A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I really need some man advice, yes I know the same age old problems in most peoples like, the opposite sex... So I will try and keep this brief and I am also aware that I will get comments telling me how he told from start and I am deluding myself, I know that. Just want advice on how to get over this and stop feeling like I want to grab the phone and communicate with him, even though I get nothing in return and how to not care about him, as he is gone from my life now and I know deep down it is so for the best. Ok, so I met the boy a year ago, in a bar. Saw him and though WOW! Turns out we like same music, films, books and had loads in common. We had the first day (he called the next day) and it was on this first date that he turned around and said ‘I don’t do relationships’ I should have walked away and hindsight is a great thing too late. But I didn’t because he is so good looking, funny, successful, cute and basically everything I want in a man and I thought he is such a good catch for a girl like me, I am average looking, ok career, so so life, where as he is mr perfect, house, job, looks, body, social life. So I feel I can’t let him slip away as he is a good catch (when he finally chooses to settle down) Anyway we started ‘seeing each other’ not exclusive but as main partners, he even told me he loved me. He was always open and everyone told me I was mad. But never lied to me, we became really close, spending weekends together speaking everyday, telling each other secrets like best friends and I kept thinking soon, soon he will realise I am the one for him and it’s like we are children, I am 33, he is 29, but we carried on. Then after we had been together quite a while, we were talking about something (a good bar/restaurant I wanted to try with my friends that I said was were all the rich playboy girls go) he mentioned casually and as a friend that he had taken this girl there and she was stripper, he said that he apologies for telling me, but we were talking about so relevant to conversation. I went mad, and that pretty much ended us. It wasn’t fact he was sleeping with a girl, sex is sex and I do not believe in monogamy unless married or in a real serious relationship, it was more fact he was clearly dating her likes he dates me. Anyway after him being a complete a**e we agreed to meet , he said he wanted to, I finally agreed to this and then he just ignored me and never called etc, after I said yes. Now fast forward 4 months and I contacted him, as I saw he had completed his Barrister training and so I text say hey, saw on FB you had, well done. Upshot we got talking again and then started seeing each other again and he was different a little, nicer, said doesn’t want a relationship still, but neither so sleep around and we were really amazing back to before but better, we spent NYE together and both his birthday and mine and he told me he loved me just as we were cuddling in bed, very nice... A week later, after those words were said, he went cold. Stopped texting everyday, said he was just really busy and then I went irrational woman on him, to which he then sent me a rather mean message, about how parts of my personality and who I am, he doesn’t like. I ignored this for 6 days (which I never ignore his messages always get back straight away) and then replied saying that wasn’t nice and I hope he is ok. He replied saying all is great and how are you... I replied AND THEN nothing, he just stopped all contact with me, I sent him a message few weeks later saying so, you do not think I am good enough to talk to and again he ignored it.It has been 2 months since then and I haveN not heard nothing from him, i know he has gone, for good this time, and after all it is a good thing. But I am so hurt still and miss him and feel like I want to try and talk to him, as I do not understand how he can just disappear form my life like that. What is he thinking.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): "But I am so hurt still and miss him and feel like I want to try and talk to him, as I do not understand how he can just disappear form my life like that. What is he thinking."
You were always thinking you'll never do better than him and you couldn't "let him slip away" (your words); he was always thinking you were the least objectionable option
available at the time and he could walk away at any time when he found something better, which he obviously believes he has (for now).
If you ever hear from him again it will only be because you are once again his least objectionable option available given whatever prevailing circumstances prevail at that given moment in time.
He never misled you, as you yourself say you knew you should have "walked away" but you "deluded yourself" into thinking he was a "good catch" based on physical attractiveness, material possessions and unrealistic expectations.
"[H]ow do I stop wanting to contact him?"
Reassess your priorties, values and morals in hopes you can determine what's really important in life before you've wasted too many years more of it. Start by looking at how you defined "Mr. Perfect" (a delusion in and of itself): "he is mr perfect, house, job, looks, body, social life." Not much there upon which to build a lifetime relationship.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (3 February 2012):
 He is keeping you on a long string, hence the hot and cold behaviour.
This means he isn't serious about you but maybe wants to keep you on the hook in case he hits a dry spell.
You called him out a couple of times on his bad behaviour, cheating and ignoring you (both bad behaviour) and because you voiced your opinion he used that to say there was something wrong with your personality that he didnt like.
Men generally want to have everything their own way and they want you to suck up the bad behaviour because it's just easier for them and they know they can just walk away if they can't get their own way. It's been used for millenia to keep women down and keep them from saying 'Hey Jerk don't treat me this way'.
That said, this guy isn't into you. He is pleasant on occasion (when you get in touch) because he a) wants to know he has another woman wanting him and b)so he doesn't feel like a bad guy. Then he ignores you again because this is his non verbal message to tell you he isn't interested.
You have to open your eyes and see this guy is a waste of time. Its been a year and you are not in a happy relationship with him because he doesn't want one with you.
Save yourself all the heartbreak, what if's and looking back to what went wrong and just tell yourself that you are walking away from this one for your own sanity.
Change your number and e-mail so he cannot contact you again and avoid places he goes.
Men can only get away with this hot/cold behaviour because we women let them. If we all just read the signs, accepted we cannot change anyone and quit as soon as the first brush off came, we could all move on a lot sooner and they wouldn't be allowed to play us.
Do not try to talk to him, he doesn't want to talk to you and you will never ever get a 'sorry' or a truthful explaination as to why he walked (men will crawl through fire to prevent telling the truth). Take his not being in touch as the closure you need to know it's dead and it's time to move on.
If you feel upset and down, spend more time with your family and friends, write your feelings down in a journal or a letter to yourself and make sure you get plenty of sleep.
I have been through this myself recently and all the soul searching and hoping he will change won't make a bit of difference.
The only thing you need to do is move on.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Firstly, your right your not the first girl to feel like this, wow how do some men come into our lives, and if your a little romantic you think - he must be the one.
Im going to try and focus on your opening paragraph which is how, i understand that ive been told from the beginning this is going to happen but how do i actually get over it.
So your second paragraph, hes such a great catch etc... what makes you think your not! who tells you, you are average? bet thats you... believe me, you have much more to offer than you think, bet there is a huge amount of wonderful qualities you have that any man would love.
Heres the thing, and its painful and it hurts - but hes not ready to have a wonderful person like you in his life, hes moved on, hes not worth your energy. Its not that he is a bad person, that he didnt even mean he didnt love you at the time (although not in your i want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you kind of way)
Trust yourself, look inside yourself - from what i read, you want and deserve a great man, a man who will love you
Keep this in your mind
I deserve a great man, a great man who will love me. I trust myself to allow this man in my life, because i know i wont accept anything less.
Now think about this chap, does he deserve your love? to be a part of your life? your wonderful qualities? i dont think he does and i think if you really think about you think the same.
It is very hard to move on when you fall for someone but believe me, there is someone out there for you, and they will treat you like a princess.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (3 February 2012):
 You're no longer entertaining. You've shown yourself to be desperate and someone he can walk over. Those traits are universally unattractive and it makes the other person loose respect and interest for you. He never wanted anything serious from you to begin with, add the desperation & doormat factor to that, and several other character traits that he perceives as negative and unacceptable, you come full circle to his rejection. And he probably has found a new screw buddy that he intends to use. New partners are always more thrilling and exciting than the old.
Delete his number from your phone, or better yet, change your phone number and never call again. When you get the urge to call him, call a friend or relative, or go somewhere, or engage in a hobby. You have looked and acted like a fool long enough. It's time to end it before you start to downgrade to pitiful.
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