A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys and gals,My gf is getting a little overbearing and insecure...She accuses me of constantly hurting her when i pick up a magazine or newspaper and theres an image of a beautiful woman in a suggestive or sexy pose. She snatches the magazine or newspaper and throws it in the bin, i really am getting annoyed by this.I have given up porn for her, and her boundaries on what she consiers pornographic are getting more and more constrictive. I liked a picture that a friend put up of a new girl he is seeing, my GF commented and went crazy at me over facebook, on the picture prompting all of his friends telling her to grow up, in no uncertain terms...he now wont speak to me and i look a complete fool.she then posts a facebook status about me trying to gather sympathy from her friends, i just commented telling her you make me feel like the ex boyfriend who's cheated and come back...i have not spoke to her for 2 days since i told her this, she has made no effort to say sorry of anything...shes 20, im 24. Im not much of a facebook user, i just use it to keep in touch with my friends, the female variety are feeling very aukward at the moment, because my gf has to comment on everything that i say, or my female friends say, they get into big arguments about it...recently i have changed the security on my facebook so that my GF cannot comment on my friends posts. iv told her time and time again not to get bitchy on facebook, it makes her look bad and she then gets upset and cries....recently we had the facebook thing sorted out, but she seems to have slipped back into slagging matches after i slipped up and liked the picture of my friends new gf.help me deal with her!
View related questions:
facebook, insecure, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): That is great that you two talked and will talk more. I do think you need to adjust your behavior here too, this is not simply about her behaving childishly if she is. Your female friends are maligning her and making her feel even more insecure by chasing after you and making nasty comments about her and how she isn't right for you. It's not a comfortable situation for her to be in, imo your friends are at fault here, and so are you for allowing this. I would recommend that you both delete or deactivate your fb accounts and as someone else said work on your real life interactions.You need to let these friends know that she is the one you want to be with and that you won't tolerate their comments and actions towards her. If they wont' stop that then they're not truly friends. They probably want to cause trouble in your relationship because they are jealous or they really want you for themselves, they've said as much. Be a man and tell them to stop this- unless you're secretly enjoying the boost to your ego to have all of these women chasing you.You sound like you love your gf so I hope both of you will work it out and be happy. Good luck.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 You must never, and I mean NEVER compensate for what someone's ex put her through. You do not have to make up for what they did, or you will resent it.
I still think you should run.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): Thanks for the update, OP. Her actions make more sense now. But you're right, she still needs to realize you are not her ex, and stop comparing you to him. Not many guys would 100% give up porn for their gf/wife, either, so you must have a lot of will power. She's a lucky woman, I hope she realizes it soon. Best of luck to both if you. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 February 2012):
 Well done you. I'm never crazy about a person losing his friends, but if they is trying to destroy the relationship then certainly you got to step back.Again, she is the one that must change, she is the one that is destroying the relationship. She is young, but not that young, at the moment she is acting like a five year old and trying to push you away. No man can stay long with a woman who behaves like this.Please show her this post, it will do her some good. Even us strangers think that she needs to grow up, deal with her problems and stop giving you a hard time. Your not a punching bag and not everything in the world is about her. She needs to think before she makes comments. People are saying unkind things about her, because they are telling the truth about how she is acting. We have said unkind things to. She needs to stop crying, she's not a baby, she needs to work out how to fix the problems in her head. She needs to trust you more and tell you what is hurting her, because you sound like a smart guy who is desperate to help.I know you'll continue to show your love and support for as long as you can, unfortunately every man has his breaking point. Great idea about the doctors.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi guys n gals,
thanks for the help, to clear things up with you guys and her, i spoke to her over the phone and asked why she is being this way, took a bit of persuading to get her to tell me...
1: her ex cheated on her, he went on porn sites and met women in the community section there, she thinks i would do the same and has been very paranoid about it and that everytime she sees a beautiful woman, she feels ugly and thinks i would compare her - i told her that i am not her ex, im a completely different person. i told her im with her for the long run, but she needs to work on her insecurity
2: she claims its the pill making her extra PMSey and her hormones are all over the place - iv asked her to speak to her doctor, her friends know when shes comming on because she has a go at them for the smallest things
3: i asked her if it was anything i was doing, she said no, but i have apparantly got some jealous admirers who dont want me and her to date, i have known these girls to stir the pot before and turn an innocent thing into something sinister...eg i told my gf that i was going to go shopping with one of my lady friends as her 2 kids need some new clothes, i didnt want to get in the way so i took her 2 kids to get some sweets and a drink....she then put on fb "A would make a brilliant father, i wish he was my kids hes so dreamy"...my gf quizzed me for hours about
what happened that day i havent really spoke to that woman for a while since then, but her and her sister apparantly keep saying that they are jealous of my gf and want me for themselves, i have not been aware of this...she also thinks im too close to my female friends, i have known a few of them since school and we have eachothers backs, one of them thinks i should date a girl far prettier, i think my gf has had that one get back to her...my gf has had arguments on fb with them, we are close and tell funny jokes or have internal jokes etc i try not to do the jokes that are between friends, but gf has now upset all of them, and they wont meet her because "shes a jealous immature little girl" whenever someone says they think shes jealous, she bursts out crying. i try not to talk to my female friends so much anymore.. i ask her what can i do to help sge just tells me i should know...i dont, thats the trouble
i really am trying my hardest to be mature and patient with her, i stick up for her where i can and i have given up porn cold turkey, whenever im feeling horny she jumps on webcam for me, or sends suggestive pictures :) im ok with the no porn thing, but her boundaries are hard to figure out....maybe this relatiinship has been torpedoed by other people and her own insecurities have built on that? im seeing her tonight to talk more face to face and may show her this post...aopart from these issues she is a fantastic girl :) funny, sweet, kind and thoughtfull, these are the qualities that made me fall for her, she has a gorgeous smile and those golden brown eyes that just suck you in, im not affraid to say things like this to her and frequently do...
...............................
A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (4 February 2012):
 hmmm. My hubby had an ex like this. She wouldn't even let him have female friends. She cheated on him (with her own sisters husband!) i'd leave her personally. She's trying to control you way too much
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): There could be any number of things going on here. She is insecure because of things inside herself, she is insecure because of your behavior in particular, such as you constantly comment on these other women in a way which feels to her that you don't value or find her attractive and so on, and or she feels she may lose you and she is overreacting. The Facebook comments are not ok depending on what your comments are and even if your comments are out of line. Facebook is ok for general sharing of ideas and so on but it is usually bad news for relationships.So if you love this woman and you want to keep a relationship with her you need to be honest about what you're doing yourself here. Are you doing things to make her insecure? Even if her reactions are out of order, which they are imo, you doing that if you are isn't helping. Then after making a decision about that you need to talk with her and reassure her if you plan to stay together that you want a relationship with her and that you both need to adjust behaviors. She needs to stop the fb comments and overreacting and you need to stop constant attention to other women or inappropriate comments if you're doing that. Look at the other side of things: if she had numerous male friends and was making comments about them and about sexy men in magazines, would this bother you? For all I know she may be doing that. If you don't want to stay with her then simply end the relationship and find someone who is more open about sexual comments and admiration of someone other than herself and who accepts porn since you may see giving that up as a burden. Everyone has different standards in what they can accept in a relationship and that is ok.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): I'm sure you are probably not putting anything up here to make you look bad, perhaps your gf is not as crazy as you are trying to make her seem. Did you REALLY give up porn cold turkey or have you done things here and there that have made her this watchful? There MUST be a history to this. I had a bf who would get mad at ME when I would bust him and then ask for details about his activities. I'm darn sure he played it off to his friends like I was overbearing. That FB incident sounds like comments being thrown in the midst of a bad fight. If you don't use FB that much then give it up and concentrate on your REAL life. Put some REAL effort into your REAl relastionship. Your GF will respond to that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Sorry, she sounds like a spoiled 5 year old throwing tantrums over nothing.
I don't think there is any "easy fix" for this, other then years of therapy for her.
You have two choices, suck it up or get out. Personally, I'd get out now.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Your girlfriend is overly jealous, majorly insecure, and very immature. She's got issues that needs to be sorted out through mental counseling! If she keeps this up, then no one will ever want to date her!
I would delete and block her off FB if she's going to continue to act like a whackjob. Although, that would spawn even more arguments and implicate trust issues.
There's no changing this girl's behavior, this is who she really is. Either you can accept that and continue on dealing with her as best as you can, or be rid of her altogether. Dump her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 February 2012):
She's very young and insecure, a lot of women are like this. Show her in actions and words how beautiful you think she is, and how special ahe makes you feel.
Then block her on facebook, and tell her it's because she acts childish and embarrassing and there is no way to handle the insults your friends then say about her stupid behaviour.
Keep reading your newspaper, and if she tells you what to think or what to do, remind her your a man and not a mouse, and you've already got a mother thank you very much.
Don't change a thing, continue normal behaviour. If she has problems with this, then I do suggest you dump her. You were very kind to give up porn, I say that's a thoughtful thing for you to do, but don't give up anything else, your enabling her to behave like this, and instead of getting better, she's getting worse.
Never reward bad behaviour and love shouldn't mean you sacrifice yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): My husband dated a woman like this once, didn't want him watching porn, freaked out on him if he so much as glanced at a woman out in public, demanded he give up all of his female friends, and on top of that when he would try to break up with her, she would cry and threaten to kill herself. So he wound up staying with her until she eventually wound up cheating on him with his best friend, and then dumped him like it was no big deal. My reason for telling you this is because usually when a person is constantly accusing you of looking at other people and/or cheating, it probably means they are (or are planning to.) People tend to accuse others of what they are guilty of. I've found this to be true from experiences of my own as well as what my husband went through with his ex.
Take YouWish's advice and get out while you still can. You will be doing her a favor as well as yourself. Maybe losing you will be the "wake-up call" she needs to go get some professional help before trying to be in another relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2012):
You deal with her by breaking up with her. It's one thing to be insecure, it's another to slander your name in public and on Facebook and tarnish you in front of yours and her friends. There is something seriously wrong with her, and simply standing up to her won't fix this.
She is toxic. In fact, she's beyond toxic. I'd advise changing all of your computer passwords, deleting and blocking her from your Facebook, and telling her that it's over.
If you stay with her, she will systematically keep alienating you from everyone. Her controlling will get worse. She will use her crying as a weapon to manipulate you, and you can not change her.
So run like hell before she traps you by getting pregnant!
...............................
A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Firstly, do you care or even love this girl?
If yes continue reading, if not then you need to say goodbye.
Its not fair that she is saying nasty things about you on FB, not good at all and you have every right to be cross about this and ask her to stop. But what you must not do, is rise to the "bait" or "trap" she is setting, ignore the comments she makes its the best thing you can do. It shows more strength in you to ignore it than make comments.
As for her insecurity, girls are. we all are, even if we think were tough we do have insecurities (actually lets be honest even men do!)
As she feels closer to you, she is going to feel naturally more worried that your going to leave, and maybe she the fact your looking at other girls in magazines, making comments about other girls as a "he doesnt fancy me"
not saying thats the case, just this is how some females brains work...
So if you like this girl, reassure her (and i know that is really hard when you feel like she doesnt trust you) but reasuure her, the more reassurance you give her, the more she will trust that you care and the less worried she will become.
Now as for not speaking to her for a few days, here is how girls see this...
He needs some space, i will wait for him to come back
Shes commenting on everything because she wants you to know she cares, evern though it doesnt seem like it - she is screaming out for you to tell her you care about her, sometimes us girls feelings seem very strange to men.
I hope that helps!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): I had an overbearing and insecure girlfriend like yours. She ended up cheating on me, haha.
Ditch her immediately. She's definitely not worth it and don't ever talk to her again. This girl isn't worth spending your life with.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): Look friend, she is not the recipe for future happiness. What`s more, are you sure she isnt projecting her own personality onto you? I mean thieves are very protective of their possessions (if you get my drift). Dont waste your life in dedication of pleasing her, it will be a heavy cart to pull.
...............................
|
