A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a little bit of trouble here. Y'see, I am dating a guy that I LOVE so much, and he loves me back. There are a few complications with him though, he's amazing and all, but I'm 2 years older than him, and he's got alot of issues that he NEEDS to work out. He and I broke up and got back together 3 times, I still love him, but I can never expect what is going through his head. Sometimes he's happy, sometime's he's sad, I make sure he knows that I'm there for him, but if I'm sad, he doesn't seem to care. I guess maybe he's just immature, and doesn't get relationships yet, besides, I have friends who I can cry to, I strictly try to be positive around my bf so that I don't make him sad too.He wants to move in with me, well, once I get my own place. He talked about getting married once, and having kids a few times. I would love to have kids with him and to call him my husband. Buuuut, I'm afraid that our relationship would end up not working out. I feel like he'd be like, "I don't care." After we are married for a few years. I feel like I'd be sad all the time because even now he doesn't ask about my feelings. Or maybe he'll mature and grow into being the man I want. Although, sometimes I feel like our relationship is built on sex, I don't want my future with him JUST to be sex, I want him to care even if just a little bit. And he's reeeeally sensitive, he tries to hurt himself all the time, he cuts himself, and he's suicidal. I, apparantly, help him try to be better. He claims that without me, he probably wouldn't be alive. Plus, I can't help but be EXTREMELY paranoid when I'm with him, I always feel like he's cheating, or he'll leave me for a better-looking girl.Another problem. Two words: My Ex. He confessed to me that he still had feelings for me, while I was going out with my current boyfriend. He and I used to be great together, until he started pissing me off. He and I used to fight all the time, and we'd make up about 5 days later. He wanted to marry me in the worst way, he even proposed, but I'm too young to get married, while he's 18, and I'm 17. He wants to have kids with me, and have me move in with him. But I don't know how my future would be with him, he's not going to college, he doesn't have a job, and he doesn't have money. I can imagine my life being a financial blackhole. But he's the sweetest guy, he always cares about my feelings, he always asks about my day, but what I can't stand about him is that he's too hard on himself, he's suicidal, loves to make me jealous (which I HATE), he's naive, and he's immature sometimes.So, I'm stuck. Who do I chose? I love my boyfriend soooooo much, and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But I'm starting to have feelings for my ex too. They both want a future with me, I know that when I'm 18, (or in my boyfriend's case HE'S 18) I'll be living with one of them, which could be the biggest step in my entire life.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 Clarification: you wrote your ex had proposed to you before, but I took this to mean that was while you and him were still an item, and that he hasn't proposed to you again, but merely said he is interested.
And to add in, even if one of them end up proposing you don't have to say yes or not. You can say what you've said so far: you are too young. And then have them possibly ask you again later in your life? And make a decision then? For all we know they could also change their minds about marrying you, even though they have proposed at one point.
And, after I read it all though again I am more convinced neither of these guys are for you. It is a typical teenage question "which do I choose, nr.1 or nr.2 (and in some cases 3 and 4 and 5)??" This question just shows you are not mature enough for such a committed relationship, and you should definitely wait with taking any huge decisions. Maybe you shouldn't move in with either but get your own place. In either case we're talking about a year from now. Take that decision then. Not now.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 September 2010):
Don't worry. It will without doubt NOT be the biggest step in your life to move in with someone. Might be the biggest step so far in your life, but not the biggest step at all in your life in total. You are worrying too much about what is going to happen years down the road. The decision you make now will not have that much to say in the long run, unless you are agreeing to marry! Which none of these men have proposed to you yet. Saying they want a future is nowhere close to actually walking up the aisle, so slow down.
For all you know, you pick one guy and next year you meet someone new. You are bound to meet new people in your life. Or find a nice job thats nowhere near where these other two boys live and work. Or you go to school somewhere. Or this or that. Life holds more factors than two boys' offerings.
Don't make your decisions too heavy. Like I said, until either proposes you are not forced to make a decision now about marrying and having a future with either of them. And since you are undecided maybe it is best to just go with whomever you feel more comfortable with, or none of them at all. It shouldn't be that hard, should it? You only make life hard for yourself by putting so much weight on this decision. You are only a teenager. The most crucial decisions of your life should not be taken at this point, which is why so many advice against getting married as a teen. So again... don't make this too hard. You are choosing between two boys who you will be in a relationship with for as long as it is nice and comfy, and then later in life who knows what will happen? Right at this moment you are not choosing between two different futures....
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (30 September 2010):
 Take a look at your post, it says it for it's self, you'd be miserable married to both.
On one hand you're married to someone who doesn't care about your feelings, and that will make you miserable.
On the other you're with a guy who doesn't seem to really want anything for his future, and you'll be miserable with that too.
Don't get into the mindset of "oh he might change." Think of if you really REALLY want a future with either of these guys, with these flaws that upset you.
Marriage is more than just love, it's a partnership. You need someone who will be empathetic to you, you need someone who will comfort you, you need someone who you can find security in.
On the case of your boyfriend though, If you're going to consider a serious future with him, you need to work out this self harming and suicidal issues. These are serious issues, and he needs serious help. And think if you can deal with him not caring about if you're sad, for the rest of your life if that is the case. Do you want to spend the rest of your life pretending to be happy as so not to upset him or yourself?
On your ex-boyfriend, you two broke up for a reason, and if you get back together, chances are the same thing is going to happen. Is being with someone financially stable important to you? Or can you deal with him not having a job ect ect. Is he looking for one? Does he have plans for his future?
I know it may seem like it, but these aren't the only two guys in the world, you can find someone with all the qualities you want, someone who cares about your feelings.
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