A
female
age
36-40,
*ummers_247
writes:Dear cupid,I can’t decide which man I want to be with! Please can you offer your advice on what I should do?There were problems in my relationship with M when I first met S. I had moved to university in a new town (though this was already planned when we started dating), and the distance was really hard for both of us. Prior to me moving here, I started to notice that there were many gaps in our relationship. I no longer felt intimate about M, he was jealous and insecure, and I wasn't attracted to him anymore. We hardly ever had sex, and I started to realise that I had never really felt attracted to him. I had just needed somebody. At a time when I had nobody, he made me feel wanted, appreciated and loved. Have you ever had a really good friend of the opposite sex that you really care about, that really impacts your life and brings out the best in you? He was exactly that to me, except we started dating.In fact, he was many things that I look for in a man - kind, thoughtful, devoted, he would do anything for me, he constantly went out of his way to please me, complimented me all of the time, he was romantic, but the physical attraction and the ‘urge’ to be the best for him and to impress him just wasn’t there. I started doubting things.All this was going through my head the first month of university. I was still seeing M every other weekend and talking regularly on the phone, when I met S. After spending time together with S and our friends, I started to realise that I really liked him.. He was laid-back, funny and very attractive. There was lots of chemistry between us, and we started to spend more and more time together. Both of us weren’t sure where this ‘friendship’ was going, but we got on so well. One weekend, M came down to stay with me and he met all of my friends, including S. We all went out for a drink and M was the perfect boyfriend – outgoing, friendly and buying everyone drinks. Everyone appeared to have a good night. That is, except me and S. It’s horrible I know, but though I was with M that night, I couldn’t stop thinking that I’d rather have been there with S. I layed in bed with M wondering what S was doing and thinking and what the hell I was doing also! How could I stay with M, my best friend, the guy that has done so much for me, all I had, when I was thinking about this other person? Missing this other person? But how could I leave M for a whim – what if S didn’t turn out to be the person that I thought he was. What if he wasn’t interested in me like I was with him? I didn’t want to lose M, but I wanted to pursue things further with S.One night, after an argument with M, I decided that it was better off that we went our separate ways. I mainly felt guilty about my feelings for S, but I didn’t mention anything to him about it. I ended the relationship and immediately broke down. I had finally made a decision, but whether it was the right one or not I wasn’t sure. That night I went out for a drink with S. I told him that I had ended it with M, and he offered support. He told me that he could tell that I had been unhappy with the way things were and he then said that he thought about me all the time, and that it had been really hard for him to express his feelings whilst I had a boyfriend. I told him that I really liked him too and I wanted to start seeing him. We held hands across the table and from that night on, things were different between us. We were together all of the time, going out for meals, going to the cinema, having great sex, and I felt so happy to be with him. Although we weren’t officially dating, people joked that we ‘might as well have been’, and after meeting his family for the first time his mum kept nagging at him to ask me out. And he did.All this time, I had M in the back of my mind. I didn’t think about him as such, but I knew that he was still there. He still text me occasionally and said that he missed me, he also text me saying things like ‘I will always love you, I won’t forget you’ and things like that. We had agreed to stay as friends. He was still in my life, and I guess my way of not contacting him didn’t really deal with the issue and put it to bed. As we rarely saw each other when we were together, things kind of felt the same between us as we were still in contact.After about a month, S started to get a bit ‘comfortable’ in the relationship. He didn’t want to go out and do anything anymore, he didn’t compliment me as much as before and he started to think just about himself and he stopped being intimate, sweet and loving and started being really lazy and selfish instead. I felt like I wasn’t number 1 in his life, like he was number 1 in mine. I felt like everything else came first – including his playstation 3! I went back with him every couple of weekends and his mum was really attentive, caring and lovely but S didn’t even really seem to notice that I was there. I felt a little awkward, but I went there to be with S.Shortly after that, I was doing some coursework on S’s computer when I stumbled across an internet dating site that he had been visiting. He had made a profile and uploaded a picture of himself. When I confronted him about it, he said that he had made it months prior to knowing me, which I believed, as he had mentioned it before. But the only thing I couldn’t understand is why he hadn’t deleted it when we got together? He said he was sorry, he was in the wrong for not deleting it, but he said he had found the link to the site in an email and that he was bored, so he was looking through it. He couldn’t look me in the eye, and although I felt like there was more to the story, I said no more about it.It was around this time that M’s grandmother became ill, M was devastated and needed someone to talk to about it. He didn’t know about the relationship between me and S, and I offered him a shoulder to lean on. He had always been there for me, and he still considered me his best friend. I went home for the weekend to visit my family, and I met up with M for the day. Nothing happened that weekend, but it was really nice to go home and it brought back memories of me and M. I tried not to think too much about it though, as I was with S now.S went home for a few weeks and he started to be more distant with me. He went out a lot with his friends and didn’t really contact me. I had a hunch that something wasn’t right and I couldn’t stop thinking about the dating profile site. Was he looking for something else? Was I not enough? When he got back, I searched his computer. I found a secret folder along with pictures of him and a random girl – taken just a few days before, a night when he had text me goodnight and told me that he was going to bed. Him and this girl had been doing naked webcam shows with each other. All the evidence was there. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. I confronted him. He didn’t even try to deny it. He said that he loved me and he hadn’t wanted to hurt me, and that she meant nothing. This was not the first time he had done this with her either, but now his conscience was clear. I felt like a fool. I had ended it with M, taken a gamble, M would never have done this to me in a million years, yet I felt that I deserved it. After days of arguing and both of us crying, I decided to give the relationship between me and S another go. Provided he never spoke to her again, deleted her from his life and promised he would never do anything like that again.I see S’s family every couple of weeks, and me and S still spend all our time together, yet we argue constantly. I cannot trust him anymore. I have been so paranoid that he is going to hurt me again that it has really damaged our relationship. On top of that, I catch him lying to me about the smallest things; he complains that I don’t trust him enough! A relationship without trust…now what is that?My confidence has gone downhill. We haven’t done anything nice as a couple for ages, and sometimes all he seems to want to do is to stay in his room and play on his playstation. I feel as though I have traded a man (M) for a little boy, and all this time, M tells me that he wants me back.With S, although there isn’t much trust and there’s still a lot of anger on my part, I still want to be with him. We had something so good before and I’d do anything to get it back. I’m S’s first ever girlfriend and he says I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him. I am attracted to him like mad, and when we do have sex – it’s amazing. I strive to impress him and when it is good between us, it is really good. But is his heart really in the relationship? Is he going to hurt me again? Can we get the trust back and can things be good between us again? He says he ‘messed up’ because he’d never been in a relationship before and didn’t think what he did was cheating. But will things ever be the same between us?With M, there’s the knowing that I can depend on him, he will give me 100%, he will always put me first and he would never hurt me, but there’s no chemistry and physical attraction on my part. I love him, I still consider him my best friend and I’d be devastated if he left my life completely, but a lifetime with somebody that you’re not ‘mad’ about and ‘lusting’ about? What kind of a relationship is that? How is that fair on M? And we would hardly see each other because of the distance (7 hours). On the other hand, not all relationships are about sex and surely my relationship with S is going to flop. I feel as though I’m waiting for him to ‘mess up’ again.I have got myself into such a difficult position. Please could anyone give me any advice on what I should do?Yours sincerely, S
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): I have to agree with worldlywise. Neither of these guys is the right one for you, so you shouldn't pick either of them.
If you aren't attracted to M and there's no physical chemistry, then he is not the one. He's a good friend and really shouldn't be anything more. A relationship isn't all about sex, but a healthy sex life is a key component to a happy couple. That disqualifies M.
As for S, you made a mistake jumping straight from one relationship into another. The result is you ended up with a guy who you find attractive, which was lacking with M, but there's little else you like about S. Furthermore, he's a liar and a cheater, very immature, and self absorbed. You deserve far, far better.
My advice is to break up with S and spend some time as a single woman. Experience life on your own for a bit and rediscover yourself. Do the things you like to do. When you're single many opportunities will come your way, and one of them will be a guy who you find attractive like S, but he's mature and connects with you like M does.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): Don't pick either of them, neither is the one for you.
Try being single, you never know you might just enjoy a hassle free life for a while. Learning about yourself,what you want and who you are.Uni is a whole new era why spoil it with do I don't I scenarios. Lots of new people to meet and new things to do....all leading to a new life when you graduate.
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