A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 4years and just before I got married my husband and I were on a short break. During that break, my husband (then fiance) slept with one of his friends. I did not find out until one month after we got married. And 4 months after I found out that he possibly got her preg. To this day, he is yet to do a paternity test. Now, my husband is very supportive and shows his love for me. But last year, we found ourselves in a great financial crisis and He started drinking. He has his own house that was under rennovation and we moved to my house that I inherited. One day when he was only drinking to drown his frustration, he got really drunk and stayed at his house for the night that is near to his father's . Last week when i heard his phone ringing I saw many missed calls from his BM. And a message about her having another baby for him. I question him until he admitted that the day he stayed by his place, he was really drunk and the woman came and they had sex. He went on his knees asking me to not give up on him. But 2 children in our marriage? I told him it is over and I want a divorce.But I am not sure if his BM thinks there is a possibility that there is another man who is the father of her second child. Last year I remembered seeing a message where she told him she was preg for her boyfriend and they are going to get married. She told my husband she wants to be married like him and happy like him. Last month i saw a message where she told him about her bf being the father of the child and that he is not interested in being involved in the child's life and that she has to raise the baby on her own. Today she is saying the baby is my husband's own. He wants us to go to counselling before I make a final decision.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2019): "Personally, I would just go for the divorce. There is nothing here to build on, nothing to "fix"."
I am going through with the divorce. He is still begging us to make our marriage work for the sake of our children. But I just can't.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 April 2019):
 When he suggest "counseling" to make the marriage work, what he REALLY is saying is that YOU should just ACCEPT what he did and move on.
Counseling will NOT make him a changed man.
And IF HE after father ONE kid, continued to CHEAT on you... do you really think counseling or anything else will make him stop that?
Personally, I would just go for the divorce. There is nothing here to build on, nothing to "fix".
However, YOU have to decide is his RECKLESS behavior with unprotected sex with other women a DEAL-BREAKER or not. If it is, divorce seems the only option. If it's NOT a deal-breaker for you... then counseling and sucking up being married to an unfaithful, untrustworthy man the option.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2019): Thanks for all of your responses. "I split with my partner for two months and neither of us went with anyone else, we both feel that if you know you want to be with someone despite problems sleeping with someone else would be unforgivable" I totally agree. It was just 4-5months for us. And back then I told him, true love waits. "Regardless of that i find it a bit hard to believe that he only slept with the woman twice to produce two children, surely he must have on other occasions?" I myself do not believe it was just twice and I can't say how many times he actually slept with her while we were broken up before we got married. He claimed it was twice while we were on a break and once after we got married. I didn't believe him about them having sex once after we got married, until he confronted her last week via phone call and text messages. She sent me a very disrespectful message where she belittled me about my size and told me she does not want my husband. She was trying to get in contact with my him and he was ignoring her calls. When i received the message I was on work and so was he. She is a very "needy" person and although he asked her to minimize her contact, she literally calls him more than I do. So when he finds she is becoming over bearing he ignores her calls. And this time I received a message. Later that day, i showed my husband the message I received. He called her and confronted her about it and told her that she is very disrespectful and she needs to have less to do with him. She cursed him and hang up. So he sent her a message stating that he loves his wife, whatever happened between him and her before we got married is all in the past. What happened last year was just a one time thing and she knows that he was highly intoxicated and took advantage of the situation and He would like to do a paternity test. So she responded, "do you feel I want you?" She went on to say she knows her CHILD is his but he needs to be worried about mine because his mother and sister think otherwise. She continued to belittle me about my size (in her messages to him) and he told her that I am beautiful regardless. Now this woman believes in voodoo/witchcraft and she told him I am working voodoo on him. Smh! She is just troubled. The very next day she called him over 230 times and told him despite all this foolishness she will never regret their CHILDREN. I decided to just leave him. Once he is the father of either children or both, he might end up cheating again and she will continue to be disrespectful to me. I told him thanks for defending me but I just can't put up with this at all. "How did she know he was there if they hadn't communicated about it? Much more likely he either let her know that he was there on his own, or more likely in my opinion, it was planned." He owns 2 barbershops. He rents out one and the one where he operates is directly infront of his house. The barbershop closes around 10pm based on his appointments. Usually if his BM doesn't get on to him (whether she needs something for her child or if he is not answering his phone) she just drops by his barbershop unannounced or she might send a message stating she is coming. "I would want a divorce too, because as Honeypie said, not only has he screwed around behind your back, but he doesn't even care enough about you to use a condom." So true. My tubes are tied so he doesn't buy condoms. And given what he did, it is completely reckless, irresponsible and inconsiderate. Even before we got married he didn't use any with her." He got very drunk did he? Well, he couldn't have got that drunk otherwise there wouldn't have been any penetrative sex and a possible child for him to worry about." Exactly! I was highly intoxicated a few times when me and him had sex and I was fully aware of what I was doing. I was just more aroused. With him, one time he had too much to drink and he was out. I shook him a few times and told him I wanted us to have sex. He was sleeping on himself but he still got an erection, i got on top of him and until i finally got him wide awake and we had sex. He couldn't recall me being on top of him. Regardless, if he was able to come to his senses despite feeling "tipsy" he could have done the same that night he cheated."On top of all these other complications; you don't trust your husband. He is a liar, a cheat..." that's right. I do not trust him one bit. In conclusion, I deserve to be happy. My children deserve to be in a happy home. Whilst I wish I could turn back the hands of time and never meet him, I am forever grateful for our children. He was too ungrateful and inconsiderate to me. I understand that he was depressed and was at a really low point at the time he cheated but it is not an excuse. I contacted someone to start marriage counselling but I decided not to go. I will be contacting a lawyer soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2019): Going to counseling should be contingent on your husband taking the paternity test; and proving the second-child is not his. Otherwise, it's a nonstop trip to divorce-court!
Don't try to save a marriage with a lie looming over it. The mother of his child/+one will use that as an everlasting dividing-factor in your marriage. Always raising the question whether he fathered the 2nd child? Only to create dissension and unrest in your relationship. He has moral and financial-responsibility for the welfare and care of any child he fathers. If it's her boyfriend's responsibility, then remove all doubt!!!
On top of all these other complications; you don't trust your husband. He is a liar, a cheat, and he won't go the extra mile to prove his credibility; in order to give you reason to rebuild any trust. Crawling on his knees and crocodile-tears are tools of manipulators and players!
He is the worst kind of man, who acts more like a horny stray dog making puppies all over the neighborhood. Wags his tail with puppy-eyes; wanting to be taken-in and made a prized pet. When it's just a matter of time before he'll jump the fence again; and back to his old ways. Humping every bitch in heat in the neighborhood. Leaving everybody else to deal with all the puppies. You'll find baskets of puppies at your doorstep that look just like HIM! Like my analogy? Hits too close to home? It should!
He doesn't seem to care how this affects you emotionally. You've got to deal with the other woman; who is resentful of you. She's seemingly on a mission to wreck your marriage by using the children as pawns. Is it his, or not?
My advice is that you stick to your resolve and get the divorce. Drunkenness is not an excuse for cheating on your marriage. He made a deliberate effort to make himself available at the other house. It was no coincidence. There is yet another child in the picture; only to add more baby-mama drama to your life. He didn't even bother to use protection.
If you want peace, to be drama-free, and to avoid possible STD-infections as mentioned by Honeypie; be resolute and sure of whether staying in this marriage is the right choice. I'm not going against the idea of marriage-counseling. I think it could help, because a lot of truth will come-out; and you'll get the closure that you'll need.
You'll eliminate all the second-guessing and doubt.
Generally, you make every effort you can to save a marriage. When cheating occurs, and children with other people come out of that cheating...it's best to divorce an adulterer.
Not only is he dogging around on you, he's trying to escape responsibility for child #2!!! I'll guarantee you, the baby-mama drama will intensify! Don't rule-out a baby #3 somewhere down the line! Maybe with a different female!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2019): Thanks for the advice. He wants us to make our marriage work but I just had to put an end to this madness.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (2 April 2019):
Divorce him immediatley. That woman was asked to come by his house. She isn't telepathic for goodness sake.
He has fathered 2 children outside your marriage and your still considering that the female is lying about who the father is. Does it matter? He has lied to you, ruined the marriage and as down right disgusting.
Consult a lawyer, get all your business in order and kick him to the curb. You deserve much better than this sorry arsehole.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 April 2019):
 Divorce his sorry arse. He is not marriage material.You deserve better, you know that. He is a cheat and liar, thats his personality and not something counselling will help change. Dont waste time, instead Get yourself some legal advice before moving on to better things for yourself. Too much damage to be undone here
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): He's skirting round the issue of how he came to be having sex with her again.
He got very drunk did he? Well, he couldn't have got that drunk otherwise there wouldn't have been any penetrative sex and a possible child for him to worry about.
Also, is he trying to tell you that he was innocently sitting at his house and she happened to drop by?
How did she know he was there if they hadn't communicated about it? Much more likely he either let her know that he was there on his own, or more likely in my opinion, it was planned.
He's trying to make out that it was all rather coincidental and innocent, but I bet you anything you like, it was arranged and probably by him. I also bet anything you like that this was not the only time that this has happened. Him sleeping with her I mean. Do you really believe that he had to stay there because he was drunk and she somehow found out he was there and she seduced him and he was helpless because he was drunk?
I would want a divorce too, because as Honeypie said, not only has he screwed around behind your back, but he doesn't even care enough about you to use a condom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): Well we have been together for 14years and we have three children together, one boy and two girls. I would say we had a good foundation and we have been through a lot together. We went on a break for 5 months before we got married and that is when he had sex with his friend who was also involved with another man. But she said my husband is the father. I decided to forgive him for that since we technically weren't in a relationship. However this time around, as you said it was idiotic of him to cheat especially at 45 years. He claims he was drunk. I told him I really do not care if he was drunk, he should have never find himself in that position. He has always been a good husband but two children he possibly fathered outside our marriage? It is too much. My eldest is so close to her father and would be devastated if we divorce. But, drunk or not, it is inexcusable.
Thanks for the advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 April 2019):
Whether he FATHERED those two children or not, HE was unfaithful and thus a "bad husband". Even IF he DNA test show he isn't the father. If he IS the father, then financially, he IS responsible for children he produces whether he is married to the mother or not. So while he might SAY he wants no part in the child's life... he IS responsible for MAKING that child.
I hope your husband is SMART enough to do a DNA test of BOTH children. The CHILDREN deserves to know WHO their father is.
As for a divorce. THAT is up to you. Do you think the two of you have a healthy foundation to build a long marriage on, OR not? Counseling won't change what HE did while married to you. If you are BOTH in your 40's he ought to have known better than cheated on you.
It doesn't sound like there is anything to "save' here. He acts irresponsible, immature and downright idiotic.
If you want a divorce, I'd say go for it. So that YOU can start fresh without having to wonder how many more kids this guy is out there making. And whether he is bringing home STD's etc. Because OBVIOUSLY he isn't even bothering with condoms.
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