A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 9 months has a 2-year-old child with another woman. This woman won't allow him to take the child out of her sight. She also won't allow him to bring me around, so he has to drive up there (1.5 hours away) every Saturday to see her and the child without me. They spend 4-5 hours together, on the town doing various things together with the child.I've never met their daughter, even though I want to.On his way home, she sometimes calls him and they talk. She also texts him throughout the week, sometimes about things that I consider inappropriate (but he doesn't), like asking if he's feeling "stressed", talking about nonsensical things, or asking him to do favors for her, like fix her laptop.I've never met her. I've never heard them talk to each other. I once asked to listen in on a conversation, but he refused...We've been together for nine months. He doesn't have legal custody, and said he doesn't want to pursue it until the child is older and he can "explain things to her". He says he is afraid he will emotionally scar his child when he takes her away from her mother...This all feels very wrong to me and lately has been causing fights/breaks between us. He and his mother think I'm overreacting and am not maturely handling this relationship. :( (This hurts because he is a bit older than me, and I feel like they are using this against me.)I just don't know I should feel, if I am too jealous... Is this situation relatively normal? I thought I could tolerate being with a man who has a child, but I didn't think I would be so excluded from everything, and honestly I do sometimes wonder if something is going on between them. :(Please help :(
View related questions:
jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 OP, pardon me, but I have read your update and, what a naive comment is " believe it or not, there were also a lot of great things in him too, which it's was why I was with him in the first place ".
Believe it or not, there were a lot of great things in Ted Bundy too : he was handsome, intelligent, educated, witty, well mannered, and his colleagues at the helpline where he volunteered say he was very good at comforting people in pain ! Only problem, he had that thing for killing women...
Not saying that your bf is a serial killer , of course, but, have you ever heard of dealbreakers ? Limits ? boundaries ? You need(ed ) to set yours , and in the right places, - so people won't have a free pass to walk all over you just because they also exhibit X charming qualities.
I've read your other post too, and, honestly, I think that as hard and painful is the whole caper with the 2 y.o. daughter and her interfering mom, that's just half of the problem, maybe even less . Then there's the issue of recurring anger problems and threatening you with violence. You say that he would never carry on his threats but, 1 ) is that a fact ? How do you know that ? 2) WHO CARES ! threatening is enough, if you have some self respect. The healthiest reaction, I guess - and surely the most legitimate - would be : hey buster, how do you frigging DARE ?! -go threaten your sis, I am done .
Then there's the lies you caught in him multiple times. Of course you have trust issues ! If you know that he has been bulshitting you sistematically, how could you not have trust issues ?...The problem is that, rather than crawling on his elbows and knees to PROVE you that he is a different man now and you can trust him , he carries on more or less like before, he's vague, unreliable and dismisses your worries as being jealous and being childish. Then we have all this situation with the ex and the child, and the ambiguous way he handles it... and all this would be enough baggage to sink any love boat. But yours. Maybe it's time to ask yourself why ? ...
I know I sound harsh and I know reading this is painful / irritating for you, and you know why ? Because it is also true. You are in love not with what it is, with what you can realistically get and expect, but with the wonderful love dream that could be, if only. If only he did not have a weird relationship with his child's mother... if only he was able to control his anger ... and could stay off his exes and their inappropriate texting... and be sincere and reliable... and willing to take responsibility for changing what needs to be changed .... Basically if only he was a man who he is not ,but a totally different one !
Dear OP, dreaming is nice, and also inevitable some times, but - stay with what it is. And if what it is sucks, and it's bad, but you don't HAVE TO take it- then don't take it !, have the courage and the faith to go for something better.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2013):
 No, I doubt it's because you aren't/weren't "good" enough. The two of them had this dysfunctional relationship even after they broke up. If it hadn't been for the child they made, I would be surprised if they still had stayed in contact here and there.
He did have a choice, and he chose NOT to go through the court system, because he was afraid of "hurting" HER feelings. Where I think it just dumb to NOT establish paternity and visitations because at some point they BOTH want to move on. And having it all on a piece of paper just makes these things easier for EVERYONE involved, even the child.
You asked how people who ended up marrying a guy with kids/ex made it work. With a LOT of negotiations. And finally (when we could afford it) a lawyer and court ordered visitations, she couldn't refute. My husband's ex wanted the kids in all kind of extra curricular activities and couldn't afford that without my husband's help, so THAT was good leverage. Yes, it sounds petty, but it worked.
I talk to the kids every now and then (in their early 20's now) on Skype, when they chat with their dad. I haven't seen them in ages though( as in face to face), my husband has. I think kids are smart, I know my step children understood that their dad remarried and that is is OK to talk to me.
If I were to do it all over, I think I would have found a less "complicated" man honestly. Not that I regret it, but I could have done without all that drama that HIS past kept dragging up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): -OP-Thank you for all the feedback... We are pretty much broken up now. :'( Believe it or not there were a lot of great things about him, too, which is why I was with him in the first place. I've been struggling with this for a while and also wrote this post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-dont-know-if-im-in-the-right.html:( Those of you who have been through similar situations and now you are married to the man, what was different for you, how were you able to do it? Were your men at least willing to legally take action as soon as they could, unlike my man? Did they establish boundaries? Sometimes I just wonder if I'm not good enough. I wish I could trust him. I wish I could stick it out. But he gives me SO many reasons to not trust him... It feels completely impossible. I just wish he'd have more concern for my feelings and try to handle things differently :(I honestly feel like he's not usually on my side :( That really hurts.I do love him unfortunately :(
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 He doesn't sound like a keeper. What is actually good about him? Nothing, from what I've understood. You're young and probably a great person and I think you've put up with enough from this, quite frankly, loser. Don't waste your 20s on him. He really doesn't sound worth it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): Your feelings are understandable. You might want to really reconsider if you want involved with this man. I married a man with two kids (2 different women)...my life was a nightmare. Kids were great (at times), but the mothers weren't.
I don't know if he pays child support, but he is the father & he has rights & this woman can't dictate what he can and can't do. He wouldn't have to be around the ex when he visited. But he isn't doing anything to change the situation.
She shouldn't be texting him inappropriate messages & wanting personal favors but it doesn't sound like he's doing much to change that either. Just remember she is always going to be in his life & if you're with him, you're life too. Do you really want that?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2013):
 The court needs to be involved. He is overly involved with the MOTHER. That is not healthy.
I myself divorced my first husband when my kids were 3 and 5. My younger son does not even remember us living as a family.
Once we were apart (and yes we did talk about reconciliation later on but it would not work) we NEVER spent time together as a couple even WITH our kids. The kids learned early on that there was mommy’s house and daddy’s house. And they adapted just fine.
YOU are CORRECT, they should not be texting or talking about anything not related to the care and wellbeing of their child. I think you have a good grasp on things.
IF he is NOT willing to get a lawyer now and get some court ordered visitation, you have no real say in anything. He’s PWed by his EX.
IF he didn’t want to deal with his ex he would get a lawyer, get court ordered paternity (just in case), get court ordered child support (and have it sent to her by the courts if possible) and court ordered visitation WITHOUT having to have ANY contact with his ex.
He chooses not to. YOU need to choose to walk away from a man who is NOT over his ex.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 September 2013):
Legally he CAN get a court ordered paternity test and visitations. SHE can demand (in return) that they are supervised either by her or a 3'rd person. I'm sure if he went that route she would make it difficult, but IF he is paying child support or any kind of money to help out, he actually HAVE rights to his child. Whether she likes it or not.
And no kids I have EVER heard of stooped breathing and died because they spend a night at their dads. What a load of bollocks.
None is saying he should TAKE the child, but they should act as grown up and find a way that SHE (the daughter) can spend time with her dad other then on the mom's whims.
My husband's ex wife were the same way as this ex-gf. She wouldn't let me near or around the kids. Out of plain jealousy. She even messed up visitations as much as she could. She wanted my husband in the picture but only when it came to money. And occasionally when she wanted a "family" outing. At the time we couldn't afford to take her to court, so she got her way. I always felt it was rather ridiculous. Instead of GAINING an extra adult to love your kids, she tried to alienate their dad. Selfish cow. Anyhow...
In this case with him (your man) having so much history of inappropriate texting to other females, I'm not sure what's actually in it for you. When he goes off and plays "family" every week-end it doesn't really make me think that you are at all a priority to him.
I don't think you are too young to understand. AT ALL. But this is not about you. Even if it feels that way. It's about them not setting boundaries.
I do think you answered your own question. He is not really worth it. I would (if I were you) look for a guy with out the extra baggage(sorry that sounds harsh) of a "family" because it IS hard to deal with day in and day out.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 September 2013):
 You ask: "Is this situation relatively normal?"
No, it's not. AND, it smacks of him caring 'way more for his EX- (The daughter is just a convenient excuse!), than for you....
I suggest that you extricate yourself from this situation, now, before you develop any MORE strength-of-feeling toward this guy....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): I'm the OP. Thank you for your responses.. I do appreciate your perspectives.
I know the child will always come first. I'm more than okay with that. My concerns are 1. They are communicating on a level that is beyond what is appropriate (they should just be communicating about the child, not about how my boyfriend is feeling, what each other is doing, or if he can fix things for her), and 2. The fact that the baby's mother will not let me be around, EVER, on their weekend outings. She will not meet me, she won't even refer to me by name (she calls me "that kid"), and I've done absolutely nothing to her.. She won't allow him to take the child because she says she will cry, and if the child cries she "stops breathing". I don't think it's normal for a father to not be able to see his child without the mother being there. I have a friend with a child who is even younger and he takes the child on the weekends, starting Friday night -- the kid is perfectly fine! Happy, even!
I've also been with my boyfriend for almost a year, and he has already talked about about moving in and how a year would be soon enough to get engaged, while I haven't even met his child -- the most important part of his life.
Perhaps I should have said that in the beginning of our relationship, his baby's mother was texting him things like, "I miss cuddling with you on the couch." As far as I know, those texts have stopped. But my boyfriend has also admitted to deleting texts and phone calls from his phone, even recently. So who knows, really.
They were never married. The baby's mother moved out of his house because he was receiving and responding to inappropriate texts from his exes and she couldn't handle it. He told me this himself.
Well, one of those same exes is still messaging him regularly. And his ex wife, who he told me he would've immediately left any of his recent girlfriends for (except me, apparently, which I'm not sure I even believe), also messaged him recently. I feel like it just never stops.
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is, I have many reasons to not trust him, including him lying to me, and threatening me with violence, and those reasons really have nothing to do with me being jealous he has a child with another woman. I would love to be part of that child's life, but I am not allowed to be, for no reason, really. He says he want me to be, but I can't be because his baby's mother wants nothing to do with me. I could respect not being part of the baby's life FOR NOW if that was THEIR decision, but truly, that is not the case here.
He has no legal rights because she intentionally left him off the birth certificate. She didn't even tell him she was giving birth (even though they were together at the time) so he wasn't able to be there for the birth of his child. He is also afraid to take legal action because it will make her angry. She basically has him by the balls. I don't mind being second in his life behind his daughter (that's the way it should be), but I DO mind being third behind his baby's mother.
I feel like it's not fair for them to make me feel crazy for having feelings of jealousy or distrust, and lording the "you're just too young to understand" over me. Is that really the case? Or have they created a fucked up situation here for themselves and are just allowing the dysfunction to continue?
And then I'm allowing it to affect my life just because I put up with it everyday. Well, maybe I answered my own question..
Sorry for not giving all the details in the original post, but I knew it would be really long if I tried..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): If there is a child involved, then the parents, even if they aren't together, will always share a strong bond through their child.You either need to accept this, or you need to move on.I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but their child will always come first to them, and they will always be parents, and be in contact.good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, DearApril +, writes (4 September 2013):
You are too immature and you should make no apologies for that. You are young and child-less and yes I think there is always a chance for reconciliation between a father and mother that share a great love for their mutual creation: their child. You will probably be happier if you dump him now and find a single guy without kids. If you stay know that things will not change. Eventually when the child is old enough he will be bringing the child home on weekends -- 3 or 5... Not sure when the courts consider the appropriate age for that. Mothers are the prime need for babies and toddlers so should be with them. If you had a child you would understand. They divorced when the child was young so the post partum stress could have played a role in that. As the mother child bond grows less dependent maybe these two will get back together. You might ask him why he left his newly born child?! Do you want THAT to happen to YOU? I think I would look elsewhere for someone on an even playing ground otherwise you will always be dealing with this.
...............................
|
