A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 17 yrs (together 24 yrs - we were very young!) has just told me he has met someone else and has moved out to his mum's. I am devastated and my world has turned upside down, i like everyone who knew us thought we were for keeps. We have 2 young children. He said he doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife, although he still has great affection and fondness for me but more like a friend. Apparently he met this girl (who is 14 yrs younger than him and me!) just before Christmas so has only known her just over 3 months, but has decided he is in love with her.I asked him to try marriage counselling with me and not to throw all that we had together away without trying. He said he had moved on and just didn't love me anymore...that just ripped me apart. He comes to the house to see the children and tries to chat 'normally' to me - this just hurts even more and its so surreal that just 2 weeks ago we were a family still.Last year he suffered from depression and had counselling (i assumed it was due to our financial problems which are ongoing now!) but he seems to have been questioning everything since then...including whether he loved me. I supported him all through his depression even though i had stuff going on at work that i really needed support for. I told him that i married for better or worse and that when a bit of worse comes along he can't even try to work it out. Do you think there is anyway back from this situation or am i just making it worse for myself? How do you even start to pick up the pieces when something like this happens?
View related questions:
at work, christmas, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): country woman's post makes so much of sense.slow and steady, it is still going to hurt like hell, but one day it will be replaced by laughter and smiles.you need to distance yourself from him, he is playing you by trying to talk to you "normally", you need to know your rights, know what you are entitled to financially. you are emotional right now but please try to think clearly regarding finances. you MUST do your homework and milk this for everything. currently the economy is so bad, you do not want to be living under the breadline. you invested so much with this man, do not let him ripp you apart any more. please be strong, and be stronger financially.one day, the sun will start shining again. now please continue to be wise and negotiate the best deal for you and your kids.good luck, please post again with an update.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Unfortunately sweetheart picking up the pieces is extremely hard.
I was with my ex (not married) for almost 20 years so I know what you are going through. You need to get a little angry inside as this will keep you strong. It is not a normal situation and the fact that he seems totally against counselling, could be due to the fact that he had counselling for the depression last year. He could be all counselled out.
You need to make things right for you and your children so get yourself along to your local CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau), find out your entitlements, also re the home you live in, he can't kick you out of it because of your children but find out re mortgage payments, what his plans are. Do you work at all?
You will get additional assistance re money if you are working or not? However if not then you cannot receive income support/child tax credit and a huge amount of child support from him as it doesn't work that way. He can pay you £20 a week without your income support/child tax credit and council tax benefit being affected. This is why you need to find out your entitlements.
You may also get some legal advice as well as this is really about your children and their father's access to them, depending on how old they are you need to set out a regular pattern for them and whether you want this new woman anywhere near your children, I think it is still early days for that but you need to know where you stand.
Have you talked to his mum to see what she makes of it all? He may have confided in her or mutual friends.
Men when they reach 40 or there abouts do seem to go through a bit of a mid life crisis and the fact that this woman is 14 years younger than both him and you is a boost to his ego, irrelevant of what she looks like, he has basically pulled a younger bird. My ex did the same but his is 16 years his junior and the age difference does hit home to him quite a bit believe me.
You need to try and cut your emotional ties with him as he may never realise what he has lost i.e. you and his children if you are constantly begging him for a second chance. You need to show the world that you are strong and can cope will all of this and he may just see a different side to you, perhaps it is the fact that you have changed as people since you had your children, it is a fact of life and we sometimes fall into a routine that can be very boring and we all need to be able to enjoy out lives as we only get one shot of it.
Decide his contact level with the children, the norm is every other weekend i.e. Friday to Sunday but this needs to be agreed and believe me you will cry if they go and stay at Grandma's house but you also need to realise you need a break as well. This is something you have to face, also any contact in the week i.e. whether he sees them any time in the week. If they are at school age then consider the impact on bedtimes for them, if not then maybe on Wednesday nights as this then breaks up the week for them, don't say it must all be in your house though. If you do want that then get yourself along to something you want to do on a regular basis whether that is seeing friend's, going to the gym or doing a salsa class but getting you out on a regular basis.
Who knows what the future will hold but you are a woman in the prime of her life who needs to find herself again, you are not just a mother and ex wife but a woman who can give everything to the right man but you need to find her again and believe it yourself.
It will happen but you do need some sort of closure from him, you could go and get counselling on your own to help cope with all of this, talk to your GP and also family and friend's as they can be invaluable to you when you get a low moment.
If I can help in any other way, please let me know as you can always message me direct.
It is NEVER easy in a break up but you will come out the other side and you have nothing to feel ashamed of. You grew apart and you need to go through the grieving process for your relationship, it is real and we all go there, with the 'what if' questions. You will shed tears, you will feel low but you will also get your backside out of bed every morning as your children need the stability of mummy right now. My daughter is the one thing that has kept me sane and children are very resiliant to change believe me.
BFN
Country Woman
x
...............................
|
