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female
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anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a year and, except for my problems with his past and the number of one night stands he's had, everything has been fine.Today, we were talking about it and he said I'm being silly and I'll never find someone who is better than him. He's slept with like 150 girls and he thinks all guys are like this! He says 'you'll never find a guy as nice as me and they always have a past'. I can accept this but less than 150, surely?I think he was trying to make me stay with him by making my think there is nothing better out there for me and I feel really trapped by this. He knows I'm getting restless with trying to deal with his past and maybe this is a way to try and keep me with him? What does everyone think? Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): Okay Chica, I am going to suggest something.
Please go to your local Indigo/chapters bookstore and pick up a book by Beverly Engel. In this book she has questionaires that will make you stop and reflect as well as do some inner searching.
This book will also help guide you to come to an understanding of what a healthy and loving relationship is about and how to find it.
It is called "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship"
Let me know what you think of it.
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female
reader, pica +, writes (24 August 2006):
I always think it's kind of telling when they've kept the score that long ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to clarify that he is twenty eight years old.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 August 2006):
 My best friend has slept with about 150 women. The thing is, he's really very nice, and it is in a way a tragedy. Like watching a train wreck happening in slow motion and you can't do anything about it.
He had a son early, and then was left by the mother. I think it damaged his ability to feel comfortable with women. He is good looking and very charming, and picks up girls very easily. However, as soon as it starts to get intimate, he gets incredibly scared and runs off. I think it's a case of commitment = potential rejection = run away. If you never become intimate with someone you don't expose yourself to the pain of rejection. It's a form of protection: find another woman rather than getting more deeply involved with the one you are with.
I guess what I'm saying that the reasons explaining your boyfriends past can be complex, and that he may really wish for one thing whilst unfortunately being trapped in negative behaviour patterns. Having slept with 150 women does not necessarily mean he is proud of it, or that he wants to continue doing it, or that he even really wanted to do it.
A few other things...
All guys are most certainly not like this. Don't let him convince you of that. He does need to be able to admit that his behaviour has been extreme, that it is not really 'ordinary', and that it is quite reasonable for you to struggle with it. Almost anyone except the very thick-skinned would be having a hard time in your situation.
As for your dilemma, you have one main decision to make first: do you really want to stay with him? You are probably in for a lot of pain, it can take people a long time to get over this kind of issue. If you are not really commited to him I would suggest not bothering, but if you are, then get ready for a long haul and hopefully a good situation at the end of it. But don't start the journey unless you really mean it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2006): I didn't think it came across that all women are desperate. A predatory man who rips through women would know which ones to pick and work on...he's had this game down pat for awhile.
The women he does choose are probably insecure and can not believe that someone like him choose them. They are flattered beyound all belief and this only makes them feel more into him.
So I understood what Dr. Pete was getting at.
If this guy is saying those statments to her; he is abusive.
He is starting to attack her and doubt herself...he gets off on that; seeing women weakened as he sees them as being weak.
He isn't happy with himself and I still stand by the statement that he hates women.
What he is doing is destructive.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (24 August 2006):
 Apology accepted Dr Pete :o) Although tis still some going to find 150 female one night stands!! I guess it depends where you hang out then!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2006): Apologies Wendy - I didn't intend on inferring women in general are like that! I guess I have assumed that most of those 150 girls must have been "easy". e.g. if your want to be able to sleep with 150 girls you are probably not going to go for ones that want to hold back on sex. I suppose if this guy is way older then this might not be true , but still... I imagine the number is made up of one night stands and not relationships.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (24 August 2006):
Careful Doctor Pete...
"Your guy knew this and probably simply spend a few hours buying her them drinks and telling her how special, pretty and unique they was. That's all it took.... " Thats all it took..!!! What are you saying about women ? I know what you are trying to suggest is that this guy is a manipulative so and so.. But it did first off come across that all women are desperate and that all it takes is a guy to say hey your pretty etc etc and buy us a couple of drinks and then we fall into bed with them... its not like that for alot of women, not many unless they are totally at rock bottom would respond in this way, alot have more respect for themselves.. sorry rant over...
As for this guy.. who is he trying to kid thats hes the best thing since sliced bread... I think what hes trying to say is that these 150 woman probably didnt want him as hes so egotistic...
As for feeling trapped if he is making you feel this way maybe its time to get out... Its not going to get any easier, your clearly nothappy about his past, and thats a factor that will always be there, i dont think you can live with that fact, and then hes so cock sure of himself that you wont leave, perhaps hes the scared one, like I say 150 others didnt want him, you cant tell me all of those were one sided one night stands ? Perhaps his insecurity if not finding someone better is rubbing off on you and hes turning the tables... i think hes the ones that doubting and hes trying to get you to doubt yourself, the offender often does this, turns it around to feel the bigger person. Be strong and if you feel this way towards him, maybe have a chat and lay some ground rules and see if you cant get him to stop thinking about himself for a change and try and get a more clear thinking relationship, thing is if he is so gutsure of himself its likely he wont change unless he is bolted in to reality, girl your special he should treat you as such, not diss you! If your not feeling your worth with him move on, you know you will find someone else worthty you of you dont let this guy bring you down and tell you otherwise!
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male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (24 August 2006):
 Wow this guy seems like a real jerk. I agree that he's controlling you. Like a puppet. On some seriously unholy strings perhaps...
I'm sure there are guys much nicer than him out there. From how he makes you feel, it shouldn't be hard to come across one!
But if he does love you and you do too, then maybe you should look for a way to get over his past together. Talking about it without either of you losing your cool might help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): Nice is not the right word to use. I think "charmer" is more accurate.
I don't dispute that he has slept with 150 girls it sounds quite plausable to me, but there is no way he could have doneit by being nice.
He'd have to talk his way in to their beds and that would be done through nothing more than superficial charming, false compliments and outright lies.
He's a clued up guy that knows exactly what to say to the ladies so they want to sleep with him, I'll give him that.
But, if he was actually nice, there is no way he could have slept with so many women. The vast majority of women do not have casual sex for sex, they have it because they desire love, and affection. Your guy knew this and probably simply spend a few hours buying her them drinks and telling her how special, pretty and unique they was. That's all it took, and unless he is a complete fool, he would have known it was all one big charade.
My spider sense also tingles hearing "You'll never find a guy nice as me" for the same reasons as previously described. A nice guy wouldn't sleep with a 150 people, nor would he ever even think of saying such a rediculous sentance.
When you've slept with that many people, how can sex ever be intimate and special again? How is your body any different from the other 150 girls?
I don't judge him for sleeping with so many girls but I do think he attained that number through deceit, lies and an utter disregard for any of their feelings. And that is quite despicable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): Two things that have my spider senses tingling.
That he reminds you of how lucky you are in that you will not find someone better which means no one can love you and he is some great hero for loving you. Way to go knucklehead...attack her self worth and self esteem.
Another one, you feel trapped.
He sounds arrogant and the 150 exaggerated or not is an indicator (as well as those revealing statements ) that he may have a hatred towards women.
He is an emotionally abusive man and I say it is time to pack up and move on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): I guess my first reaction to this is - "150?!?!?" I can see how this would get to you. Yes, everyone has a past, but this is a past with a capital P. My gut tells me, though, that this is bravado. You say you've been with him for a year - how long did you know him before this? Do you have any evidence (your knowledge, his friends' comments, etc.) that this is even true? How old is he? If he's 45, maybe. If he's 25, I highly doubt it.
But anyways, I would examine what this history means to YOU. Are you upset because of the differences in your experience? Are you afraid that (out of 150) some of the women may have been "better" than you in bed? Is it the morality issue? You say he's good to you...so what does this matter, even if it is true? Once you can identify what it truly is that's bugging you (beyond the initial shock of the number), then you will be able to deal with it in the right context.
And not to be a downer, but if you really believe that he's been with 150 women, get yourself to the doctor fast and make sure you're okay...insist that he does the same too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): that one statement has my spidey sense tingling.
"He says I'll never find someone who is better than him."
He sounds controlling and that is a form of emotional abuse so keep yourself alert when he says such things to you and how often. I am certain this isn't the only time he does this.
He makes you feel inferior I am guessing and has you doubting yourself about what you think and what you believe.
Don't listen to it.
He sounds very insecure and may have a bit of self hatred at himself and at women in general.
Keep on your toes.
That you feel trapped is another BIG indicator of how emotoinally controlling and abusive he is and I say it is time to move on.
In the end, you decide.
Good luck.
*hugs*
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