A
male
age
41-50,
*an_yxq
writes:It has been right 3 months as of today since we divorced, which ended a 15 years long relationship and 5 years long marriage. Now, I am living alone and kept the divorce unknown to most of relatives including my parents and friends except a few very close. Am I expecting someday we get back together? I don't know. 15 years surely made one as part of the other in blood, thus not so easy to call it an end despite of the fact. I thought I was prepared for the grief and believe time is going to help. Maybe 3 months is too short to work? I will give my patience while my heart is bleeding.She was my first and the only girl in my life. We fell in love in high school, kept the relationship even in college time during which we were separated 1000 miles away, got married at 10 years anniversary of dating, and split 5 years later. We quarreled as most of couples did, but marriage life never came boring. We had no privacy to each other, got used to playing with the other's cell phone, asking who you had dinner with, calling each other everyday no matter far in different continent or close next door. People asked don't you need a private space or something? Sometimes yes, but most of time we enjoyed this peas and carrots relation, until one day I started to contemplate something might go wrong.The story began 4 years ago when I was then based in a different city making myself home every two weeks. People say distance makes the heart grow fonder. It seemed true but not always. One time, I came home in the early morning without giving a heads-up. She welcomed me with a hug as well as an uncomfortable smile. When being asked, she tried to lie but apparently failed. She admitted she went out last night drinking with a guy, who was too drunk to drive her home, so brought her to his place nearby. Nothing happened, she emphasized. I never expected such a shit could ever happen to me and dropped a word “it’s over”. She sobbed insisting it's just a sleep outside home. What was I supposed to do? As husband, I had right to question and be suspicious about two adults sleeping in a place without anything happened? By the end, I chose to trust and not to ruin us because of suspicion, but asked her to sever all connections with him no matter something happened or not. She nodded without doubt. Unfortunately, I witnessed the start but have never seen an end. In the following 3 years, this guy was like a ghost showing up on her call history, SMS, and MSN. What accumulatively irritated me was every time when we were in the edge of split, she would even die for her promise of never making a contact, but later on things happened again. She attributed the failure to her personality weakness of not knowing how to refuse people's kindness, and insisted they were just very close friend and the contacts are occasional. What could I do with her tears, beg, 10+ years feeling and a so called friendship? I am not a hard man, surely not. That's probably my misfortune when something was destined to happen but you can do nothing about it. One night last year, she called would be back in 20 mins. Not seeing her in half an hour, I decided to meet her downstairs, where I saw two instead of one, her arms in his hands. I totally flew into a fury, staying in hotel that night, and shortly rented an apartment living alone. Not surprisingly, her message came in soon, explaining it was an accident not to mean anything and how much she loved me and wanted to keep our marriage. One week later, we went back together. But I insisted we live apart for 3 months as the very last warning right before divorce. She was OK with this arrangement. I expected this separate living, in a sense, provided us a good chance to review on our relationship lasting a decade, fix any flaws, so that we can go further in rest of life. But God obviously had not been sick of the game yet. One day close to the expiration of 3 months, she told me she would have dinner with some ex-colleagues and call me when finished. Not being able to reach her by phone all night, I went back home to check if she had been home. Doors opened, two were drunk sleeping one in the couch, one on the floor. My heart was bleeding. Next day, I told her I saw it and proposed the last dinner. During the meal, she showed me her call history, short message and all evidence to prove her innocence, something like meeting him and his friends in the same restaurant was totally by random. They knew each other well, so merged into one table and drank together. She said she even didn't know how she made the way back and surprisingly found him home in the next morning. She explained it was good I saw it in person, as it could have been a different picture if they really had something. How could I blame when she was unconscious. I withdrew for the N time and moved back home where I had left 3 months.Time was going by since then like a ship sailing in Pacific Ocean. But danger actually never went far. I remember that was a Friday in August raining outside and we both worked from home. While she was taking a nap, a MSN message popped up on her computer screen. It said “I missed you too”. I didn’t comprise this time, and we unregistered marriage a few days later, finally.I will never forget the last sight on her face, where tears were all over. She said she will come to me one day when she finally get rid of him and grow strong. Days for singles were lonely days. Sometimes, I was thinking like a philosopher, trying to figure out what betrayal has to be meant. Sometimes, I pretended to be ready for a new journey without her. Most of other times, I still tried very hard to forget her even though not a while I made it a success.Friends, point me a way out.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cinc71  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 You were right about leaving. You deserves someone who will treat you right. I'm sorry for your heartache, just think what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so you ARE strong. Stay positive and good things will happens. You will never trust her just take it as a learning experience. Good luck!!
A
male
reader, wan_yxq +, writes (7 December 2011):
wan_yxq is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate for your inputs, guys. It's a comfort indeed.
Impressed with the point addressed by an anonymous reader saying she's simply a person who's not willing to give something up that makes her feel a certain way that you can't.
My ex-wife grew up in a divorced family. She described herself as Cinderella in childhood, not looking good, no parent’s spoiling, and dimmed by her pretty sisters. Psychologically, this unpleasant memory might root inside her mind and make effect life long. It turned out she was insecure, lacked confidence, always tried to gain respect by proving herself. 6 years ago, she had my support quitting the nursing job and switching to a sales person. I was aware what wife being a sales could mean to a husband, but still on her side for her good. At first years, we quarreled a lot for alcohol. Alcohol being a necessity for networking (local culture) is understandable, but she obviously was not capable of taking control. I had been sick of being told your wife was drunk waiting for your coming and picking up. There was another time I received a call like this. I swore on the way it’s enough and the time. I don’t want a women addicted to alcohol, never. When I found her in restaurant, she was too drunk to keep awake. I embarrassingly took her over from her treated customers, and divorce was then the only idea wandering in my mind, for which I even couldn’t wait till tomorrow. On the way back home, she repeated a half sentence unconsciously “please…” (a local sales expression used to humbly ask customers to sign purchase order). I watched that familiar and innocent face and thought of her complaints about sickness of alcohol and endless dinner with customers. Life was not easy, let alone sales life for a girl struggling with number. My anger was therefore melted. It’s hard to be a sales woman, maybe even harder to be her husband. I took this up as I know she did this for taking back her confidence and respect long lost in childhood. Thanks to the perseverance, she proved herself and got promotion from time to time in a Fortune top 500 firm. You harvest only what you invested. I gave her warning more than once that the moment she succeeded in career could probably be the time our relationship came to an end. Pitiful that she was even too busy to listen at that time.
I think something she couldn’t give up that make her feel certain way that I can’t was comfort, which she needed so much to ease the tension from work, and then he was there. Living with a man over a decade, she might need some fresh air, especially when out of breath. I wouldn’t say she was good or bad in loyalty, as not necessarily to do with moral judgment, but more a psychological need maybe. As I said to her, it would be much less embarrassing if I were your friend, brother, lover, or marriage consultant, whatever but husband. Unfortunately, I was your husband, the only role hurt in this story.
Thanks again for those who answered and helped. I will be good and cool.
Best wishes to you all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): Old habits seem to die hard, but some habits do not die at all. Honesty is a hard thing to maintain when wanting to promote your own happiness and freedom. On the one hand, you want to make the Love of Your Life happy. on the other hand, you want to put your mind as ease to all of the, "what ifs".
I'm going to be honest with you, which pains me to do as it points out my most terrible and unforgivable flaw.
I've been extremely insecure and jealous of my husband's ex-girlfriend for nearly our entire relationship (not even three years). I've become obsessed with her, and found myself stalking her MySpace and Facebook pages daily. I collected photos of her to study and compare to my own. I would continuously search for evidence to piece together puzzles and answer questions that had formed in my mind about their relationship.
At the end of a typical day, I would become terribly insecure and emotional and would begin to point fingers and blame and accuse. "Why were you with her if she was so terrible? Why would you sleep with her if you detested her? Why would you take her back over and over after she cheated on you numerous times? Why did you talk about her so much after getting with me if you were over her?" On and on. At first he was apologetic and generous with explanations. After a while, he became defensive and irritated. Finally, he refused to talk about it anymore.
As the months passed, I soon decided to befriend his ex to see what it was about her that was so appealing to others. If she was really as horrible as had been expressed to me, then why did so many people flock to her with admiration (this was, of course, all painted luxuries over Facebook and MySpace...)?
Our contact was simple and innocent at first. Chat and messages occasionally. Then we began texting every now and again, and then we finally met in person. It was a simple meal and mindless chit-chat. My husband was very weary of this contact, seeing as he hadn't spoken to her since their dramatic and final split (she sliced her arm open with a knife out of desperation), and he knew that she was still bitter about it. He felt she had an ulterior motive. I kept making excuses for her, "Oh, that was years ago. She's changed. You need to let the past go. Maybe all she wants to do is apologize." Etc. Etc. His opinion never changed.
A couple minor red flags were waved, but I ignored them. She had no problem taking advantage of my generosity with money and favors. Being that she has a two-year old at the age of 20, works mediocre jobs, continues to abuse drugs and alcohol, still lives with her dad, and has been dumped by every guy she's dated, she's not one to understand the value of money she earns or the responsibility of being an adult. She dated a girl for about a month, and after seeing that I associated with this girl, she quickly severed the friendship that me and this girl had. Not a few weeks after that, she randomly sent me a very inappropriate photo of my husband that she "just happened to come across" from when they were dating. This was all only over a span of two months.
Needless to say, my husband still hated her and her malicious ways. He warned me to cut contact with her. It lessened, but never went away. I saw her three times over the course of the next nine months, with minor contact between visits. Two of those visits were fine, one of those visits was unknown to my husband, but my jealousy never lessened, and my husband couldn't take it anymore. He warned me that if I saw her again, he would call off the wedding. I sobbed and begged and pleaded with him, and he finally gave in. We were married two weeks later.
Not even a week and a half after our marriage, I decided to hang out with her again, behind my husband's back. We hung out with a couple of her friends to drink. Either I drank entirely too much, or I was drugged, but I ended up blacking out for about seven hours. Apparently his ex called him from my phone and told him I was blacked out in the middle of a park. He came and found me and got me home safely. He said I was first screaming at him, telling him that I hated him, cursing at him, and telling him to leave me with my "friends". Eventually I began speaking in half-words, and couldn't speak a full sentence. He was about to call poison control, or drive me to the emergency room. He said he's never seen me that bad.
The next day, I woke up in a daze. I couldn't remember anything past about three mixed drinks of rum and coke. My husband didn't speak to me for the entire day outside of telling me that he was going to look into an annulment. I sobbed uncontrollably for hours. I was dry-heaving nonstop, and I was horribly pained by the thought of losing him. After another day of not speaking to me, he finally sat down and told me that he had lost all trust in me, and that he didn't think he could be with me. He made me call his ex and tell her that I could never speak to her again. Then he told me that if I did, that would be the end. I agreed.
Fast forward three weeks. I left my phone in the bathroom after getting ready, and he decided to look through it. He found texts from her, but kept quiet for a number of days. Finally, I asked him what was wrong, and he told me. He then threatened divorce again. Once again, I sobbed and begged and asked him not to leave me. He agreed once more. We got my number changed and he made me delete my Facebook account and changed my password. He's told me that if I try to contact her again, it's completely over.
It's now been about a month since that incident, and I have not tried to reactivate my old account. I have, however, created a completely new account under a different name, and have added her as a friend along with a bunch of random people I don't even know, only to be able to snoop through her profile. I haven't spoken to her still, and she still doesn't have my new number, but this is just about as low as I can go...
The point I'm trying to make is, despite the fact that my incident isn't nearly as severe as yours (a.k.a. His ex isn't a male coworker that he's found "sleeping" with me on a number of occasions), and despite the fact that we've only been together for three years, my story is proof that, unless she stops her behavior on the first warning you give her, she's not going to stop, no matter how many or what kind of threats you make. Her alcohol use isn't to blame for her actions. Her inability to "reject people's kindness" isn't to blame. She's simply a person who's not willing to give something up that makes her feel a certain way that you can't.
My husband's ex has nothing that I want, and looking at her photos, or spying on her Facebook doesn't give me anything but a minor place-holder of emotion for whatever I'm missing from my life, my marriage, or myself. My love for my husband hasn't changed, and I do still want him to be happy, but giving up this thing (whatever it is) seems like it would cause me to be missing something from my life, and perhaps I'm not ready to give that up yet.
Point is, you're going to need to let her figure this out for herself. Don't ask yourself why, or what you did wrong. You've probably done nothing wrong. She's just selfish and is doing something for herself that's making her feel something that otherwise living her life with you apart from this wouldn't. Perhaps she likes the drama. Perhaps she likes knowing that you'll take her back despite her actions. You may never know. But when she comes to you saying that he's gone and that she's ready to take you back, be weary. If you do take her back, be prepared to find something else on her agenda. Be prepared to find SMS messages, texts, phone calls, etc. from this guy. Maybe they really are just friends, but the point is that she likes the idea of knowing that she's keeping it from you or knowing that you could find out about it.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Thank goodness you found out before you spent THE REST of your life with this woman!!!!!.......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Hi wan_yxq,
Same story here.
* 10 years together
* discovered aug 13, 2010/ kept secret from me almost 1 yr
* 15 mos fighting / same drama-I want him to tell me the truth and admit- he said:"just friends"... In between arguments during all those mos caught her calling him twice and 1 skype. Today is the 1st time I didn't contact him at all (no call, text, email). 1st since I've met him, 1st in 10 years...
Funny, but I thought about Jerry springer, just like the "male anonymous" mentioned, that was my life the past 15 mos. I do watch the show sometimes, it's interesting. With all the respect people out there, I think it's embarassing to behave that way, it's really sad...
You know someone for 10 years, and you think you know this person so well? I have undeniable proof, until this day he will not admit or confess? What's shocking to me is all the lies?
What's shocking to me is that he won't admit or be honest?
He lied in my face 1 year, lied another 15 mos? Now he continue to play his mind games, of course putting the blame on me, abuse me emotionally..... He cares more about saving himself, than trying to help me understand... No compassion... And that was really hurts. The betrayal, trust, loyalty... I thought he was perfect, and thought we were strong and thought we had a special relationship... This was the 2nd men I've been intimate with, pathetic only been w/2 men all my life. I met him when my mother was dignosed w/pancreatic cancer, so he was there for me the whole process. In the beginning was not serious, date or love. It was just companionship and support. A week after my mom's passing he told me ghat he promised my mom he'll take care of me.... That's when I completely open my heart to him. It started as friendship... That's why is so difficult for me.
I wish he had end things with me, instead of handling the situation this way. I would've been ok if we broke up... Because, when you really live someone you support that person and understand. Even if you are in pain, you love so much that you are willing go let go.
I was a confident normal person my whole life. Grew up in an amazing family, had supporting, loving parents. Unconditional love... But, ever since that day, I've been feeling anxiety, panic attacks, sweating hands, nervous, 1st in my life I am scare.... I have good days and bad days.. I tend to over think too much now, always second guessing, always doubting myself... Ugh... I hate this new me...
I've been reading a lot of articles, searching Internet, know what I should do, but it's difficult.... I guess it's like people say, time and patience is the only way to heal.... Sorry long story.... Lol :)
Stay positive, strong, take care of your health, push yourself not to have negative thoughts... I guess if we keep pushing ourselves, one day will become normal and you won't have to think so much, and you won't feel anymore pain....
Best wishes/good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): Tell you what, I'm in the same boat. except I have a 11 yr marriage to my high school sweetheart, so about 15-16yrs as friends and on and off bf/gf. I told my soon to be ex the same thing, loyalty and respect. I have good and bad days. At the end of the day for me, I want to be happy and if your wife doesn't put you as number one, you will be miserable if you keep her as your number one. Almost same story, but I have more drama and jerry springer actions in my story. I wish you the best, I've been told that in time the heart will heal. Don't give up on love or happiness. I was also told to take the time and find out what you like. As a man, you welcomed a lot of things because your wife wanted them. Take the time to find yourself and what makes you happy. Best wishes to you!
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