A
female
age
51-59,
*ngelina73
writes:I met this guy. He is now 56 and I am 41. Both of us have never been married and no children. He has asked me for a commitment to a relationship and I think he will look for marriage later. This is not a short term relationship. He is a smart, sweet, kind and living person. I feel like I am being treasured when I am with him. I love his sincerity and smiles. He is respectful too. I do like him and feel happy around him.However I am afraid our age gap is too wide. I am not sure if that should be an issue for me to consider. He is from Germany and has relocated to Singapore for work. He was once living with a German lady for 20 years and she decided not to relocate to Singaproe so he broke up with her. They don't have a bad relationship but it is his desire to live in Singapore and not in Germany. They mutually agreed to split.I am concerned our age gap because when he is 65 yrs old and retires, I would only be 50. I won't be able to retire till 62. When he is 80, I would only be 65, just retired! He is such a nice guy I feel I might make a mistake if I rejected him based on our age gap but maybe it is more sensible to tell him so?How should I tell him that I don't think it's a good idea to commit because of our age gap and when should I tell him so?Please advise .
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 July 2015):
 Congratulations. I wish you every happiness.
A
female
reader, Angelina73 +, writes (15 July 2015):
Angelina73 is verified as being by the original poster of the question here is the latest update. I have decided to take your advices and have since entered into a committed relationship with him despite his age gap. He is really a very nice guy and has been really good to me. I believe I would be making a mistake if I let this pass me by. Thank you for all your advices and I marriage is on the cards next year. :)
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A
female
reader, Angelina73 +, writes (21 October 2014):
Angelina73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanonymous female reader, do you have children then? Was that a concern for you when you got married?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): I've been happily married to my 14 years older husband for 20 years. He's 71. Whenever anyone mentions the age difference, we laugh, lock hands, & say "Oh, that age thing never works out". :-)
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A
female
reader, Angelina73 +, writes (28 September 2014):
Angelina73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. It is clear that since kids are not possible and advisable with him, it's a deal breaker. I should look elsewhere.
Now it's clearer :)
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 September 2014):
 At 56 he's slowing down and wanting to retire... kids make that impossible.
also how fair is it to a child to have a parent old enough to be the grandparent...
kids make a big difference.... does he even WANT a child now?
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (27 September 2014):
OK, kids are another matter. At 41, you are rapidly running out of time to choose, for one thing. For the other, if he's 57 it's unlikely he will still be a strong provider when your kids are in their teens. Think carefully!
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A
female
reader, Angelina73 +, writes (27 September 2014):
Angelina73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am still dating this 56 year old man. He is kind, attentive and very supportive. However besides concerns about finance I have another concern. After marriage , Is it too late to have a child with him since he would be 57 or 58 by the time I conceive ? I won't marry him unless I can have a child and he can support the family .
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 August 2014):
Of course your concerns are valid.
and you need to express these concerns to him.
Usually it's the older partner that is concerned that the younger partner is with them and will be cheated out of a full experience. I know I worry about leaving my spouse... but like I said... life is a crap shoot.
younger women can get pregnant with older men but not vice versa.
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A
female
reader, Angelina73 +, writes (13 August 2014):
Angelina73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have mixed feelings. He is a great guy but maybe only for now? 10 years later will I be left alone and would only be 60 then.
Being involved with a 56 year old , does it mean I can't have a child or I find myself being a single parent later ?
I feel apprehensive about this and am thinking I should just tell him we are at very different stages of our lives .
Are my anxieties valid?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2014):
life is a crapshoot.
My mom died at 58.
My dad will be 80 this year and still plays golf 3 times a week and works out daily and travels extensively with his current partner.
I could die next week. My husband could die next week or get sick.
Do you want to live your life on hold waiting for the other shoe to drop.
If you don't do something out of fear of losing something you want how is this good for you?
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A
female
reader, Angelina73 +, writes (10 July 2014):
Angelina73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Euphoric29 and so very confused,Thanks for your advice. So very confused, your situation is the opposite of mine. So I am afraid I may end up with a huge burden if age gap is a problem and face the probability that I might be widowed much earlier and for a long period. Hence, I am still confused as to where I am heading with this. But I agree to give him more time. I spoke to him about it and he said he won't push me to decide so soon but will seek to convince me it's not a problem. I agreed to give this more time knowing that he is clear about my issues.Euphoric29, you are right about not seeking perfection. There is always something wrong with some relationship. From my past experiences , there is always something missing and most of the time I can't find anyone I can trust and who is faithful. This one is different and that is why I feel so torn inside me as to what to do.But both of you have advised me to take my time and not end this so fast. I will heed your advice.Thanks!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 July 2014):
 An age gap does present challenges but if there is love involved there is no challenge that will be too big to overcome. The awkward things will be kind of silly..."hey you remeber the TV show_____?" And you'll reply,"huh!" That kind of silly crud. will pepper the future. Think that's too much to handle? No, then go for it!
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 July 2014):
Dear OP,
I think that there is never a perfect relationship. Love will always have to overcome some obstacles. If it wasn't the age gap, maybe it would be something else. There is always something that seems to say "hm, this won't work" or "hm, this will get difficult". So, my advice is to just try it a little longer, because there are many positive aspects of this love between you two. Maybe you will find out that the age gap is indeed too big to overcome, but you should be 100% sure about it, since he sounds like a very special person.
There are no children involved, so you both actually have a lot of time and freedom to explore your feelings and future possibilities with each other. If you say "yes" now, it doesn't mean you will have to decide for the rest of your live. Maybe it would be too much pressure for you to marry him soon, so tell him that you would like to wait and see how it goes. I mean, he never married that woman he was with before, so why should you now hurry?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 July 2014):
If you are going to end it (and to be honest I would not end it if I were you) then do it soon.
just say "I'm sorry but I am not comfortable with the age difference"\
I understand your concerns, I am at 54, 13 yrs older than my husband and I would like to retire at age 60-64 if possible.
that's 6-10 years for me. whereas my 41 yr old husband would prefer to work till he's 68... at which point I will be 81 and LONG retired. There is nothing that says one partner can't be retired while the other works
If the relationship works on all the other levels... if he treats you well and you are happy then at your age the difference in age is not a huge concern...
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