A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Will he ever Marry me? We have been together about 12 years, we have 2 kids (6 and 8). I think I have finally come to except that he will never marry me. I don't want that to be true, but I keep bring it up and he keeps giving me excuses. The first excuses (9 years ago) was that "I knew it was coming and he wanted it to be a surprise" then there was the old classic "as soon as we have some spare money" and the excuse for the last 2 years or so is that "he thinks if we get married that I will leave him" ???Things have been on the mend for the last year after he had some minor indiscretions. Most things have improved but I really think if he is serious about spending the rest of his life with me, he would marry me?I havent been nagging him about this, maybe once every 6 months. I have done all I can to explain how important this is to me. I even asked him to marry me in 2008 for the leap year.Please let me know what you think.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 OP if that is how you feel it may be that it's YOUR feelings.
I would tell him that marriage is now important to you and that you wish to marry legally and if he does not then the relationship is over (AND MEAN IT)...so when he says "no" you can tell him that either he moves out within 60 days or you will leave with the children whichever works better for you.
HE MAY surprise you.... it may just be that he does not think you would leave... but since you want marriage then giving him a TRUE ultimatum may work out.
It's not a romantic notion but then marriage until the last 120 years was a business deal anyway.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks every one for your advice and thoughts. I really appreciate it. To answer a few of your questions. Why would I want to get married? Because it is an act of love and commitment. I guess it only really matters to me now that I know he is willing to leave me (his indiscretions). We had spoken in the past and said it was just a piece of paper and we were both already committed to making it work for better or worse. Turns out he is a liar. Because of this I feel like I am wasting my time with him. I love him and I really wanted this to work but I just don't believe him when he says he loves me and that we are forever.A few of answers referred to to milk and cows and that he doesn't feel like I would leave him or that he didn't have much to lose. Well I am thankful for your honesty, I know I cheated myself on this and I should have expected better for myself. That being said, I have milk a few cows in my time, easy enough. Except the new cows, they are just as likely to kick your head off or deficate on you when you try to take their milk. And then there is the cow that no matter what you do she just wont give up her milk. The bitter part of me wishes both for him, but i wish him luck!Here in Australia the laws are pretty much the same for partners and married couples. The laws put fair and equal weight on both parties in all family matters and separations. There is no financial or legal benefit to not marrying, and I have always been happy with the idea of eloping so the reason isn't cost either.Sorry to ramble on, it is just such a slap in the face. The only reason for not doing this is because he dosen't intend to stay with me. This sad fact does make this a deal breaker .Thanks again
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 September 2014):
I read somewhere that most men propose within 2 years. The next batch is withing three, the final batch within 4. After that, the chances are that he won't marry you.
After 12 years, he's not going to get down on one knee. He didn't even marry you when you proposed.
This man doesn't see marriage the way you do. Possibly because he doesn't believe in it, possibly because he sees no reason for it.
The question is now, do you want to be married and is this a dealbreaker, or can you live with things the way they are?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 September 2014):
nope he will not marry you.
if you want to get married and he does not why do you stay?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): Your partner has all the benefits of marriage without the documentation that officially commits him to you as your spouse. He feels he still has the open option to walk away and still have women on the side. Thus the "indiscretions" you mentioned.
Legalizing your union frightens him to know that you will have marital rights. He's not the least afraid you'll leave him.
He's afraid a marriage license gives you the right to hunt him down, if he abandons his family. In his mind, even though he lives with you and has a family, he still feels he has instant single-status the minute he decides to walkaway. With no legal strings attached, it's left up to you to find him. He can marry whomever he wants; because he doesn't have to divorce you.
You can have all the talks you want, and do all the pressuring you like. You've played by his rules far too long. Does your country recognize common-law marriage?
The least you can do is determine if you have any legal rights under the law as his domestic partner.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 Nope he has no "reason" to finalize
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (2 September 2014):
 It does not sound like your partner is in a rush to marry you. He probably wont marry you and he has his own reasons.
Only communicating clearly your's and his feelings can you reach a compromise. Goodluck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): Its the common saying why buy the cow when you have the milk for free. So no he is not going to marry you. His so called minor indiscretions is his over confidence that he has you where he wants.
If marriage means that much to you then its time to leave this relationship and find someone that wants to marry you. As much as woman say they are modern and happy to have a partner eventually reality catches up as most woman want to know that the man in their life loves them and want them as their wife, not someone that just wash cooks and cleans and look after their kids.
Wise up this man will not marry you and you will remain just his partner.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): Why would you want to get married anyway? It's just a social ritual, it doesn't mean anything and definitely doesn't say anything about the quality or worth of your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2014):
 Nope, I don't think he will marry you. You have stayed with him for 12 years, and had 2 kids by him WITHOUT marriage - so in his mind he doesn't HAVE to marry you.
Would you leave if he DOESN'T marry you?
Honestly though, I think his logic is that so many people who ARE married end up divorcing, you two seem to be doing pretty good WITHOUT the marriage part, so maybe if you don't MARRY you will last together.
My brother was with his now-wife for 20 years + 2 kids before they got married. Neither were interested in getting married, it wasn't till their kids asked them why they weren't married, and they had no good reason why, that they "eloped". They have been together 27 years now.
Why not sit him down and TALK about it. Not as in, WHEN will we get married, but why not?
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