A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 38. My girlfriend is 40. We have been together since 1992. When we first met I was almost (but not quite) totally inexperienced with women and my girlfriend, although having had sex with maybe 5-6 guys was inexperienced with relationships. She just did not relate sex and love to each other. She had sex without love several times (including the second day after she met a guy) and the guy she liked the most (maybe loved, depending on what day you ask her) she made wait for sex. She was raised Catholic and went to an all-girls school and says that sex was always made out to be this dirty thing she should stay away from. Her divorced sister went to the same school and one of the reasons she got divorced is that her husband "wanted to do things to her" while she wanted some sort of soulmate. I am not sure how to reconcile the fact that my girlfriend had sex with the men she cared about least (not that she didn't care about them at all) but she claims that she doesn't really see the link between sex and love. Sex is lust. Love is spiritual. I was a virgin when I met her and for me sex has more to do with emotions than just pure lust. I lusted (and lust) but I am in control of that. We dated for a couple of months before having sex. She wanted to have sex fairly quickly, but I wasn't sure I was ready. (She didn't know I was a virgin.) She kept asking and I kept making excuses like I didn't have condoms (which I didn't and she wasn't on the pill). I could have gotten condoms if I really wanted to, of course. We had these deeply emotional and somewhat physical connections which really fulfilled me and eventually I realized I loved her. The night I told her I loved her we had sex for the first time. It was pretty bad, as you might expect from a virgin. Still, she was very happy and she told me she loved me, too.Sex was good and frequent at first. The relationship was very intense . She lived about 100 miles from me and I would travel to see her on Thursdays or Fridays and we would have sex the next day and then all weekend long before I would leave her on Mondays. We'd talk on the phone in between and I always made sure to make her feel special with small gifts and such when coming to see her. I started to spend more and more time with her and started to forsake my studies in college. In fact, I had to withdraw for a semester as I spent more time with her than in school. I felt it was worth it. Being older, she graduated college first. This was about a year after we met. When she was considering her options after college, I asked her to move in with me. She was initially very excited as I lived in a big, exciting city and she lived in a small, boring town, but she soon had misgivings about that. She really wanted to go live with her mom out-of-state for a while. I was not very understanding of that and was afraid I would lose her forever if she did that. I made her feel guilty about "abandoning" me and she decided to stay with me. By her own admission, she resented that and regretted that decision not because she didn't want to be with me, but because she missed her mom after being apart from her for 5 years of college. Still, she chose me over her mom and moved in with me.We were still madly in love, but sexually she started withdrawing from me even though we were only together for a year. She said that she hoped her lack of sexual desire wouldn't cause me to stray from her. She said she was a bird that needed to be free and that just because a baby bird wants to hop to another branch doesn't mean it wants to leave the nest forever. Well, I was 20 years old, insecure at losing the love of my life, and infatuated with her. Being apart from her for an undetermined amount of time wasn't something I was okay with. I forced her to make a decision (not as blunt as this, but it's what it boiled down to): me or her family. Besides, I thought, what 24 year old woman wants to go be with her mom 600 miles away when she can be with her lover and start a life together? She chose me, but with much resentment.By two years in, she wasn't having sex with me at all. The closest was one night when she couldn't sleep and I got her off by fingering her while totally naked and with an erection. She felt very relaxed after and able to sleep, but she said "Sorry, but I can't return the favor. Hope you aren't upset." That wasn't the last night we had sex, but it's a microcosm of that period of our lives. I was busy with school and meanwhile she had a series of humiliating jobs, including at a sporting goods store, which isn't a terrible job, but it was beneath a woman with a degree. I don't take responsibility for which jobs she was hired for, but she says that I should because I made her work in order to help pay our rent. (That much is true. We couldn't have afforded it otherwise even though it was very much below market rate.) At this time she was suggesting that maybe she should move out on her own to have her own experiences like paying rent by herself, but I disregarded that. That made no sense financially and seemed to be counter to furthering our relationship. Not only that, but she was paying her rent by herself (although with a roommate) when I met her, so she already had had her own life. She already had her own sexual experiences. She already had a lot more life experience than I did. I just didn't understand what it was she wanted. I had less experience than she did and I didn't want any of that. I wanted to be with her.By the time I graduated we had been together 3 years and we had a decision to make. Together, we decided to leave where we were and move to another city near my parents. The city also had much better job prospects in her field. We lived with my parents for 3 months during which time I found work right away. She could not find work but my mom got her a job at her bank, which was pretty far from her chosen field (dance, acting, film, theater) but it paid the bills. She hated it. She still talks about how much she hated it. At that time we had stopped having sex entirely and I asked her why she didn't like sex anymore. She said, very plainly: "I still like having sex. I just don't like having sex with you. You act all soft and gushy, call me pet names, tell me you love me, and talk to me in a sweet voice and it's just not a turn on. Maybe I should have sex with someone else and it will carry over." That was a blow, but - at the time - not as big a blow as you might think. We were new to the city, so I knew she didn't have anyone else in mind. I told her that having sex with someone else was completely out and that we needed to work on our relationship. She agreed. We soon made enough money to move out and get our own place. It was wonderful, much more wonderful than I think either of us had a right to expect. She was still working a job she hated, but we had to pay the rent so she had little choice. Our sex life was still in the dumps. I would initiate and she would say: "That doesn't feel good, you know." I would either just have sex for my sake and finish as soon as possible with her telling me "Hurry up!" or else I would rub myself on her body and cum on her, which she said she hated. In retrospect, it was a mistake on my part to not ask her what it was that she wanted, but I didn't care, because she was so difficult and frigid with me. In fact, I did ask her a few times and she never had an answer. I told her "How about I'll just lie here with an erection and you do whatever you want to do with it." and she laughed but just wasn't interested. Things that used to turn her on didn't turn her on anymore. When we were dating she would get really ticklish if I grabbed her knee in a certain way and if I did it then she was stone-faced. She wanted me to give her backrubs all of the time (she was sore after dancing) which I did, but eventually I started indirectly asking her to trade backrubs for sex. She preferred to just forgo the backrubs, getting angry when I refused. I would tell her: "Now you know how I feel!" Our sex life became almost nil. I resorted to porn. My career took off and she was able to quit her hated job. She started getting work as an actress for less of a salary, but more satisfaction, and she started dancing at a very serious level again, being a soloist in some performances. Sometimes her acting gigs would have her out until after midnight. Once or twice, she wasn't home until after 6am despite my regular (but not frantic) phone calls to her every 40 minutes or so. Shortly after, she started bleeding in between periods. I jokingly (and in a mean-spirited way) suggested that maybe she was pregnant, which I knew to be impossible given that we never had sex. She would wake me up at night and sit on the toilet and I would hold her as she would just cry and cry at times, worried she had some terrible disease.Eventually, I convinced her to go to the doctor. The doctor diagnosed her with trichomoniasis. She said that the doctor asked her if she was sexually active and that she felt stupid saying she was not. Her doctor suggested to her that she probably got the disease from sharing towels at her dance class. She never asked that I be tested, nor did she suspect she may have either gotten it from me nor transmitted it to me. In retrospect, I wonder where she got it from. It seems to be very rare to transmit non-sexually. I should have questioned her about it. I am not saying she had an affair after one of these late night gigs, but I do know she's a lightweight when she drinks and I wonder if she either did something she regrets or else was taken advantage of in some way. I never questioned her about it. Maybe it was transmitted in dance class, but I am less sure about it now than I was then mainly because I think most women would accuse me of cheating on them and she never did. I asked her about it recently and she still insists she must have gotten it from dance class.At this point I was very sexually frustrated and I made the mistake of trying to reconnect with a college sweetheart. We didn't have sex, but she would leave me filthy voicemails at work and I did agree to meet her for sex. When the rubber was ready to meet the road I chickened out. My girlfriend found out we had met (although not the extent) and was furious with me. I don't blame her. On the other hand, if she was willing to work on our sex life I would have never gotten to that point.At this time my girlfriend got a job about 90 minutes drive from our home in the entertainment industry. She made the commute for a while before finally declaring that she had to move out to get her own place closer to work. I reluctantly agreed. I helped her find a great place and her commute was cut down a lot. She would spent weekends with me at "our" place and weekdays at her own apartment. About once per week I would drive out for a "date night" and spend the night with her. We did this for about a year. In this time, our sex life improved. It wasn't good, but at least we were having sex again. She said that "I feel like your girlfriend again." She said she really enjoyed having her own space and feeling like she was an independent, adult woman for the first time in her life. We would talk on the phone in a romantic, lovesick way like we did in college and sometimes she would convince me to come over in the middle of the night with excuses like saying she heard a scary noise outside and let me hold her tight in bed until we made love. My career started doing very much better at that point and I had saved up some money. She suggested we buy a house. I told her I could not afford the mortgage alone and she said she would move back in with me. We spent about 6 months shopping for a house before I finally bought one. She gave notice at her apartment about 3 months after I moved in and moved back in with me. That was 10 years ago and we have not had sex since. That's not 100% true, because she got drunk 5 years ago and had sex with me in Las Vegas (but she doesn't remember it) and we have "tried" to have sex a few times here and there but she had vaginismus despite agreeing to do it and it was bad for us both. Once in a while she lets me finger her and I gave her oral twice, but penetration never happens and she will not allow me to get off nor will she touch my penis.We have talked about it a few times and she says that she is just asexual and doesn't want sex. She says that dance is her high. She told me the same thing when I first met her: "Dance is the thing that gets me off in a physical way, makes me high, and feel good about myself. For some other people it is sex. Not me." If she gets really drunk she will allow me to get so far with her (like finger her or lick and kiss her breasts), but penetration is still not allowed. It is so frustrating that she can be so drunk that she can't remember her own name or where she is, but she will still have enough wits to refuse me sex (and of course I respect her wishes). She started getting upset that the house was in my name (not hers) even though I ended up paying for it all except for $10K and that I wasn't sharing my finances with her as my career was taking off even more. The reality is that although my income doubled, so did my expenses. In fact, I put myself in a lot of debt during this period while she assumed I had a pile of cash I was hiding. Yes, I had tens of thousands (maybe one hundred plus) in the bank but I had just about as much in debt so in reality I was about even. She didn't believe me. She wanted to see my books. I was ashamed to reveal them and refused. I told her I was in big debt and she said I was just being tight with her. I asked her how I can be tight when I was paying all of her expenses including her new Lexus, but she stuck to that story.She wanted her name on the title of the house. She wanted me to marry her. I told her she could have all of that, but she would have to be willing to sleep with me. She said she would sleep with me if I married her. I told her that I had never heard of anyone's sex life improving after marriage and I needed her to show me good faith. She never did. The arguments got more violent and crazy with her begging me to marry her and me violently telling her I'd marry her when she finally decided to fuck me and that if she wasn't married, and never got married, then it was her own damn fault because she knew what she had to do. She would say: "So, this is all about sex. I see." My answer: "No, it's not, but it is something I need to have in a marriage!"As she got older, she started saying that she didn't want to be 40 years old and still be someone's girlfriend. She wanted to be married and maybe a mother, too. I told her that being a mother involves having some sex by definition and that when she could have sex with me then I would entertain her. When we had been together 10 years we had talked about our lack of a sex life (since about year 3). I told her I would leave her unless she changed. She said she would try, but she never did. I never left. By the time she was 39 years old we had been together for 17 years, with a regular sex life only for the first 2-3 years. I decided that there was more to life than sex and that if she wasn't going to show me good faith by having sex then I could show her good faith by asking her to marry me. This whole time, I really loved her, but my ideas of love and marriage are that I am loyal (hence not leaving even though no sex) and that I never want to remarry. One marriage is it for me. I could not live the rest of my life without sex and so her refusal to have sex with me was a dealbreaker as far as marriage, because she had had it with me when we were dating and she had had it with other men she didn't even love. It's not like she was a virgin the whole time, or I would have felt differently. She had slept with me, she had slept with other men, so why couldn't she do it again?I decided I would ask her to marry me on or before her 40th birthday, because I knew that was a big date psychologically for her. I started to shop for an engagement ring for her a few months in advance. It took a few months to have a ring custom made and because of some (BIG) mistakes the jeweler made which almost resulted in a lawsuit I didn't have the ring in time for her birthday. In fact, I had it almost 2 months late. I started looking for other occasions to propose to her, but every time I planned something for the two of us something would happen. She had to cancel, she invited her mom with us, my mom decided to come with, and so on. We were never able to be alone. Fast forward to 6 months past her birthday. I had the ring and I was desperate to find an opportunity to ask her. I knew it had better be good after 18 years (at that point.) I even took the ring with me a few times to occasions I thought might pan out, but for various reasons did not. We had a trip scheduled to Florida and that seemed like the ideal time to ask her as her dad lives there and she was inviting her mom out, too. We spent a few days on the coast and in Miami and then I was spending a week in a really nice luxury hotel for work. I figured there would be plenty of chances in such a romantic setting. Unfortunately, she chose to stay with her dad the entire time after leaving Miami and never even saw the hotel. It was crushing for me, because I spent a lot of time researching the hotel and the expansive grounds to find a really romantic setting and plan a really nice date for her. I even begged her to come to see me for just the last day, but she said she'd just see me the next day and so why drive 100 miles from her dad's (even when I volunteered to get her.) I felt like the fates were conspiring against me from the time I ordered the ring and that's a terrible feeling when you are nervous and thinking of making such a decision. Yes, I was/am nervous as hell about it even after so many years!When we returned home, everything changed. I accidentally discovered that she had been talking to her (married) ex-boyfriend for a year via Facebook and phone. She told him she was single (technically true) and lonely and that she felt she would never get married and have children. It didn't get farther than that, but I was crushed that she was arranging to meet him at a hotel "to catch up" during the very same week I was designing the engagement ring for her. They never did hook up, but it came very close. Now suspicious, I began reading her e-mail when she forgot to logout and found out that she has the hots for a coworker. Again, nothing has happened so far, but she confided to a friend that she finds this guy sexy and thinks she might be falling for him. It was like a knife through the heart. Why her friend didn't talk sense into her I don't know. Her friend just ignored the comment entirely. Some friend.I confronted her about these activities and she doesn't have much to say to me. I told her that I wanted to commit to her and that I would be willing to do anything she wants if she would commit to me. I told her I would put the house in her name, try to have kids with her (if it is still possible now at 41 - even adopt), and whatever it is she wants or needs if I can do it for her. Before, she would be very emotional and passionate in such situations and there would be a lot of emotions expressed, but now she is mostly just quiet. She just sits back and listens to me and doesn't say much. She does say she still loves me and wants to stay with me.I asked her if she wanted to get married (not a proposal, but a hypothetical) and she surprised me by saying "Ask me in a about year. This is a bad time and I don't want a shotgun wedding." I was totally shocked she would say that after the way she used to beg and plead to get married. I told her that if she wants kids she may not have a year (if it's not already too late - because I do not want kids out of wedlock) and she said that she was accepting of that. I feel like she has already emotionally checked out of the relationship to some extent. She exhibits very little passion or emotion. We used to have a lot of passion, whether love or hatred, with these discussions ending in yelling or tears, but now it seems like nothing gets to her for better or worse.Occasionally, I pull out the engagement ring I paid for 10 months ago now and cry for what is, what was, and what could have been. I am now very emotional, moody, and depressed. My girlfriend doesn't understand why and I tell her I am having a sort of midlife crisis. I can tell that it annoys her to have to deal with me that way. I asked her why she won't have sex with me and she says that it is complicated and that she can't really tell me, but needs to talk to a therapist. I asked her if she is happy with me and she said: "I wasn't for a long time, but I am now. Things won't change overnight for me, though." Meanwhile, she still maintains her crush. She just told her friend how sexy he is a few days ago, even after we had some deep heart-to-heart talks. I just don't understand how she can be worried about a crush when the rest of her life is about to fall apart. I feel it is an escape for her.I don't even know what to feel like anymore. I break down crying all the time. I took two days off of work because I couldn't even concentrate. I write her long letters that take 3-4 hours to write and then never send them. I told her that and she says that's good and therapeutic. However, she doesn't seem concerned about "us" at all. She bought me a card a week ago and wrote that she loves me on it. That's it. No soul searching or other emotional distress as far as I can tell. She says she is immersing herself in work to get away from it all. I told her that she cannot run away from this anymore. We have to be together or apart. She took that as a threat. I told her that it's not a threat, but just reality. We are not going to make it too much longer than this unless something changes.She has agreed to go to counseling, but she says she is afraid that they will recommend we split up. She says she is also afraid that they will pin all of the problems on her and that the counselor will join forces with me and pressure her to have sex. She says she would like to have a sex life with me again, but that she just can't do it now. She says she doesn't want sex with anyone, which is interesting given that she says she is hot for this coworker. She wants me to be patient. My response to her is that it has been almost 16 years now. How patient can I be after all? She doesn't know I have bought her an engagement ring and I wonder if she knew that if it would make any difference to her with regards to how she perceives my commitment to her. However, I don't feel I can really tell her that without ruining the surprise of the engagement. I do tell her I love her and I am ready to commit to her, but I think she sees it as lip service or else maybe she just isn't interested anymore. I do think if she knew that I have actually been trying to marry her for a year now it might affect how she feels, but I don't know how to relate that. I told her that I never wanted her to turn 40 without being married and she thought that was sweet. I also told her that I should have never let sex determine our relationship, which she seemed to think was an overdue realization. On the other hand, I need to know that if I marry her that we will have a sex life, because (and I will never say this to her again in such a way) I cannot marry a woman who won't have sex with me. I don't know where to go from here. I am too young to swear off of sex forever. However, I really love this woman with all my heart. It's why I have stayed with her through all of this. I feel betrayed that over the last year when I have been debating whether to take that final step despite our lack of a sex life she has been trying other men on for size, and thinking of them in a sexual way. I am disconcerted that when I found out about it, she wasn't really guilty about it. In the past, there may have been a tearful confession. Now, she just says the equivalent of: "It's nothing. Sorry you feel that way. Get over it."I think that maybe 10 years ago when we bought the house and she moved back in with me that that was her having certain expectations (wife and mother) and me having other ones (lover and wife). The element that would have tied them together was sex and it is just something she won't do. I am sure I have contributed to turning her off in some way, but she won't tell me. She just says that she decided not to have sex with me back when, that she doesn't feel that way anymore and wants to have sex. However, she still won't have sex, so those seem like empty words to me.Sorry for writing so much. As you can imagine, there is much I omitted, but I think you get the general idea. All these years I thought I was afraid of commitment, but I am starting to think that she is really the one who can't commit. Obviously, we are going to start counseling. I will insist that we have appointments set up with three different counselors by the end of the week.Other than that, what would you do if you were me?
View related questions:
affair, at work, breasts, co-worker, condom, crush, debt, depressed, divorce, drunk, erection, facebook, fingering, frigid, her ex, insecure, money, moved in, my ex, my penis, period, porn, roommate, sex life, sexually frustrated, soulmate, split up, the pill, violent, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): Dude , I cant believe I just read that it was a complete waste of my time. Where is your EGO? do you not have one. OMG you need to get your ass up out your seat and find the confidence to move on and you should have done that the minute you saw her attitude change! that is so horrible it sounds like your whole life was miserable , but like you say your still young and you still have hope to find someone. So do it , get up and find that girl to spend the rest of your life with a lady who will respect your needs , and respect your love. Horrible. Move on please.
A
female
reader, sarah1268  +, writes (31 May 2011):
I'm so sorry things have turned out like that for you. Im 20 in a 2 year relationship and you sir, have just told my worst nightmare. You spent way to long on this lady. If I didnt have sex for a week, I would check out. You need that passion.
I hope you find happiness.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lizzy111  +, writes (31 May 2011):
Are you out of your mind??????? You have no idea how many fun, sexy, lovely women are out there...You just dont have the chemistry that takes 2 to tango..
I was in a similar spot for 2 years where attraction was gone but none of us dared to leave because of the great mental connection that we had, before calling it quits I thought it trough for a year if not more, I was so scared to loose this amazing man and I still think world of him. We ended up staying best friends and to me he is my family till end. Now in retrospect we both see that we were meant to be friends and not lowers. I ended up meeting someone new and I am excited to meet the woman that will make him happy.
Please live and dont cling to relationship that has been dead for more than a decade, I hope you will get out ASAP, Best wishes
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): leave.
you have but ONE life. ONE. Live it to the fullest, with fun, good times, laughter and sex.
...............................
|
