A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in my relationship for 10 years, we get on great and he is my best friend but after 10 years neither of us is sure if we want to get married (which people keep asking us). Also, we very rarely kiss (properly) or have sex, it has never been a big part of our relationship and we both feel awkward. Should we give up or stay together and carry on the relationship without intimacy?Any advice would be great. Many thanks
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): thanks everyone for your advice, you have given me a lot to think about.
Thanks againxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): i think that love is an act and a choice, and i've always believed that relationships, over time, have phases. if you ask a couple that's been married 50 years, they will tell you that they didn't always have butterflies for each other, but that their common values and deep friendship got them through those times until all of a sudden, the butterflies came back.
your question doesn't say that you're bored, or that you feel you've grown apart. it seems to indicate that you care deeply about each other and enjoy each other's company, but that the passion has gone.
how hard are you working to revive the passion? you sound resigned to a life without it if you stay in this relationship, but does that really need to be the case? have you guys talked about the lack of passion openly?
you guys aren't married and you're still young, so if he's just not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, b/c you just can't get along, or there's just something about his character that isn't what you're looking for, by all means, end it now. but if this guy is your greatest friend and all that's missing is some killer sex ... i'd advise considering very carefully whether you're ready to give up the person you've shared so much of your life with without confirming, with all certainty, that even good sex isn't an option.
passion is important - you need to be able to share that with the person you're spending your life with. but the fact that, after ten years together, it doesn't happen magically, naturally ... may not be a reason to throw in the towel.
...............................
A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (19 April 2008):
 Hiya,
I was in a similar situation – being with someone for 10 years and then breaking up with them (I was same age at the time too)… so I know what you are going through,
I’m afraid it looks like this relationship has run its course,
This is hard to accept after 10 years – but you cannot think that they were a waste – since I am sure you have had some really good times together,
But spending the next 10 years together *would* be a waste.
There is still such a thing as splitting up and remaining friends (not always ideal – but it’s no harm to think that it is possible in this situation)
If it’s like this now – then project forward into the future – realistically we both know its hardly going to get better in the next few years – its likely its going to deteriorate,
And then what’s going to happen is you will start to feel resentment towards each other for wasting those years when you really could be out finding the right person for each other,
You will be missing the chance for both of you to meet people who you are better matched with – merely because you are stuck in a comfort zone – and you are too afraid of what you might lose – but what you might “lose” here is already lost,
Emily is right – you are young enough to start again – you might have a period alone – a difficult period it will be – but you have to get yourself out – even have a quick rebound relationship if you have to – and eventually you will find someone who you will be excited about being with for the rest of your life – and when someone asks you if you want to get married – then it will feel right because you will be with the right person – but clearly you aren’t now,
I’m really sorry to read this question – and I hate recommending break ups because I never want to play any part of the destruction of anything - it’s a sad fact of life that things turn out this way – but I also notice that people who hang onto these relationships do not find happiness in them – it’s the people who are brave enough to break free of them and find someone else that end up happily married…
Best of luck…
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 April 2008):
Well it's up to you. But the fact you are here asking a bunch of online strangers suggests you are thinking of getting out and just want reassurance.
Do you want to get married and have kids one day? Does he? Is this really all you want from life?
You are heading toward 30 so you need to start thinking about if you want kids in the next few years as it gets tougher / more dangerous as you get older.
I say don't settle for a good friendship that works. You two would be fine together if you were in your 70s. But you are not. You are in your 20's. You could be out meeting the man of your dreams and living the Sex in the City lifestyle.
Call it a day now while you are still young and friends. Other wise you will wake up one morning and find you are 40 and miserable.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
