A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl for a little over a year. She doesn't have a whole lot of friends so we end up spending most of our time together. She feels like i take her for granted. I feel like we spend too much time together. The problem is, when she isnt with me, she gets real depressed because she doesnt have any friends. I cant just let her stay home alone and cry, I have to be there for her. However, I still need my personal time away from her. I try not to take her for granted when we are together, but when she isnt with me, she just isnt happy. When I spend time away from her, I spend my time alone. She can't do that, she gets upset. I dont know how to help her. I dont know why she doesnt have any friends, she's a great person. I dont know how to make friends. It just happens for me without really trying. Before we met she had friends. Some moved away, some graduated from college and are busy with their job, and some got married and we just dont hear from them. I need my time away from her, but i cant let her be unhappy. What should i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): you sound like a really nice guy and deeply care about your
girlfriend, and from every word you said , I can tell you
love her deeply .
From a woman's point of you , I can assure you she is absolutely normal,I was EXACTLY like that when I was young,
and so are many other women . The reason why she is
doing this is because she loves you deeply and you are her
universe!! Women have a tendency of losing themselves
after they fall in love . When they fall in love ,
they are totally devoted to that single
person, this makes women wonderful wives and caring mothers,
when you come to think of it , this is not a bad thing.
She is insecure and scared , women are strange, they need
assurance on daily basis, they want you to tell them you love them everyday , every single moment , after all you
are everything to her.
This may sound ridiculous to you , but it is absolutely
normal for most women, tell her how she makes you
feel, how she is putting a lot of pressure on you and the relationship , but in the mean time try to give her a lot of
love and understanding ,after all you are the mature one and
you don't want to throw away a good relationship just because of this. She will be more comfortable and relaxed if you let her know you are in the relationship to stay
and not going anywhere.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): Hi there,
Women have a tendency to loose their identity when they fall in love and then they give everything to their partner, they loose they friendships and end up becoming needy and clingy. This love eventually turns to resentment when the man sees this intense closeness as negative and the woman's love (eventually) turns to other feelings of rejection, distrust and insecurity.
It is nice that you want to help your girlfriend but she largely needs to do this on her own. It is very important for women to have friendships with other women and as you are seeing the longer you stay away from social contact with others the harder it becomes.
For her best interest as well as your own, you need to try and keep to your own social events - you equally need "time out" with your friends, to relax and enjoy yourself around other men in a way that you can't with your partner. You sound like a really supportive man so try and tell her that whilst you love her, that you can see that it is putting a strain on the relationship by not having recreational time outside of it. If your girlfriend is particularly emotional, she might interpret this as you not wanting to be with her - but that again if you are saying one thing and she is hearing something else then that is an issue that she needs to be able to distinguish and learn from - there is nothing you can do to change who she is.
It can sometimes seem impossible to make new friendships, especially when you are stuck at home all day, but it can be easier than you think. I am sure she can at least hook up with a few old friends, or failing that she could join some kind of group, anything to get out and about and do something away from you. She lived alright before you came in to her life so I am sure she can find something to do even just one evening a week.
So maybe if you go out and she does start crying you should ask yourself if staying home and mopping those tears up for her is even doing her any good? I don't think it does, it just makes her even more dependent on you.
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