A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I seperated 6 months ago after I found out he had been having an affair for 3 years. He had stopped the affair but when he lost his business and the pressure of a new baby and my father dying he started it again to "escape". He has feelings for the other woman and still has feelings for me too I am sure. We have two children (4 and 1 and a half) and we are both devastated that this has happened and can't seem to get over it. Should we try again with some councelling or am I kidding myself that this would ever work? Could he ever give up the other woman? Will there be to much resentment? I am 34 should I move on and find someone that really loves me or try and save my marriage as I don't believe any marriage is perfect?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): counseling definetly…he needs to show you some respect
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): I think you should try once more because you don't sound like 'I've reached my breaking point and can't take it anymore'. Instead, I sense a small bit of hope from you. The end of a marriage is like a death, and you want to feel you've done all you could to save it. I suggest going to a councelor with a great reputation. My sis-in-law rushed into a 2nd marriage last October, and they're having problems already. Anyways, they're getting counceling---in the beginning, everytime they went, they would argue in the evening. SO, they are now going at seperate times, and it's working better for them. Something about the other not 'knowing' what was said in their individual meeting helps them not use personal info. against each other. So what I'm saying is, if your husband agrees to this, you'll know he thinks your marriage is worth fighting for...
Hoping the best for you and your family.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 February 2009):
 Well if he has been having an affair for 3 years then there is some crossover with the age of your youngest child, this means he will have been with her when you were pregnant! That in itself is unforgivable!
Have you had an STI check? You really should do this in case this other woman has any infections she may have passed on to your husband.
While I agree with you that no marriage is perfect and they all take work; there has to be a cut off point where you stop trying because you are flogging a dead horse. And unfortunately I think you have reached that point.
He stopped the affair and at this point you probably could have worked through that, but the fact that he has gone back to her again shows his lack of respect for you and your children. While you may want this to work, he needs to want it to work too. And if he did, this woman will be out of his life and he will want to save your marriage for the sake of you and your children.
I cant imagine how hard this must be for you seen as there are children involved but your children will be affected if they see mum and dad unhappy. This decision has to be yours and yours alone. But if you think he wont ever give up this woman then you have to do whats right for you, you deserve better than this.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 February 2009):
Put a time limit on it.
Try with everything you have to fix your marriage till Christmas, or 6 months time.
This is going to be a hard one to do but there is no harm in giving it a go for a little while as long as you are realistic.
If:
He can't give her up
He doesn't put the effort in
You don't feel you can forgive
You don't feel it's going to work long term
Or any other thing
Then you can say you tried and then have an amicable split.
The kids are young and perhaps still too young to understand so it would be best to split sooner rather than later when it can really damage them.
Good Luck!! xx
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