A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So here is the question. To tell or not to tell? Before everyone jumps to answer this the second they read it, take a moment to chew on it. So I met this girl, we had been going out for about 2-3 weeks before I went back to school. I get back to school and the first night back my ex-girlfriend messages me on FB (we are team mates and on the student gov't of my team so its hard to not sometime have to talk with her)and tells me we have to talk, its important, and she dont feel comfortable doing it in public or over the internet. I meet her on campus we walked around, she tells me about how I supposedly got her pregnant at the start of the summer (we broke up a while ago, but we did this FWB garbage for a semester). Then she starts crying and telling me she was sorry. Turns out she supposedly aborted it too. I try to tell her its ok and make her feel better and calm down (I wasnt about to get into a discussion on my views). It was really late so i lead the walk back to her room and try to ditch her there. She then starts asking me what happened between us, why did I end it. I was honest with her and told her it was because she didnt respect me or want me to be my own man. She got really upset and just kinda sat there whimpering for a while. When I decided to get up and leave she stopped me and asked if she could have just one hug, "a friend hug", that it would help her fell better. I thought, fine what harm can a quick friendly hug be. Before I could get up from the end of the bed where I was sitting, she hopped out of her chair and up onto my lap, straddled me, and wrapped her arms around me, and gave me a big hug while kinda cuddling up on me. Then she pulled back with her arms around my neck, and then while I was completely taken aback from this, leaned forward and gave me a big frenchy.I said 'wooh, hold on', then she said some thing along the lines of 'what wrong, it doesn't mean anything if you dont want it to, but you know I love you...and I know you love me, you are just dont want to say it, but I can feel it, I know it. You love me (big smile). she kept going on like this, and I tried telling her that I dont anymore, I moved on, that I needed to go. She just wrapped her arms and legs tighter around me. She just looked confused. Then she just disappeared, it looked like there was no one inside her, she looked like a shell. After about a minute I tried to pull her off, and leave, but she came to and just held on and started getting all upset again, she kept talking about how she was a terrible person and how she was so sorry. I was studded at what was happening, I couldn't even think straight at how unstable she was. She the all of a sudden stopped and said, 'but you love me' and then kissed be again. I pulled back but unfortunately that gave her more room to climb higher on me where she kissed me again. I was against the wall and her legs where all wrapped in mine so I couldn't move them. So I just sat there for a few minutes. I figured she would have her kisses and then snap out of it and I could get out.Wrong. She then started feeling me up and trying to push me down on the bed. I wasnt sure what to do. She wasnt hearing me, but at the same time if I pushed her away, she was positioned as such that she would have toppled backwards and fallen off the bed and cracked her skull on the hard floor. She kept at it and I kept trying to get her to come too.Now I am bigger than her, and I could have removed her forceably, but I would have probably hurt her badly in the process. I chose to keep trying to dodge her kisses and mover her hands away and get her to calm down. At one point she ripped her shirt and bra off, got her breasts in my face and then proceeded to rub my lower areas. Needless to say I was weak. I hadn't had sex in 4 months and I had spent the last month not masturbating because I was trying to train myself to not want or need it cus it was hand and hand with a minor porn addiction that came about after the breakup. I lost it when she started manipulating me and I made a bad choice by letting it continue. Part of it was lust, because it was a feeling I was no longer accustomed too, and part of it was some strange thought process that thought it would help her get over me if we had sex. Thinking back, that makes no sense. I have no idea why I thought that letting her have me like that would make things better. It was stupid. I felt terrible. After she had her fill, she fell asleep and I cooled off and kinda freaked out. I ran out and just walked around campus for a good portion of the night.I always try to help people with little regaurd to whats good for me. I guess I thought I could make her feel better, but I was wrong, it just led to me making a bad choice and hurting me. After that she continued to act like she was a differnt person. She would visit my floor randomly and just invite herself into my room and try to get my pants. I did get rid her every time eventually, but she would say things like that she had a lot of fun and this was the best sex ever, and you know im getting birth control pills soon so we can have crazy unprotected sex everywhere anytime, and things like its ok because your not in a relationship with your GF you are just dating her so us fucking is ok. Finally I exploded on her about a week later after a bunch of crap and she hasn't spoken or looked at me since. She actually about 3 days following that started dating and sleeping with the guy who lives two rooms down the hall from me.Needless to say is that she is unstable. I ignored the signs when we where dating, but it looks like she got worse over the summer, or just stopped trying to hide it. I am never going to let this happen again. If she for any reason comes back and tries again, then I wont have it. I am done trying to be nice. After all this and all the mind games she played with me and all the screaming at me from our time together and and all that she blamed on me, I can no longer remember the good times I had with her. In fact I wont hesitate to to call campus security or literally pick her up and remove her from my room if if she does.I am asking if you think I should tell my GF I ended up having sex with my ex? I understand that there is a lot of mixed opinions on this topic. I feel both ways. One side of me says she should know. The other part says that I felt nothing for her, I wont do it again, It was really a mistake. I hate myself for it, and it not who I want to be. Is the pain and distrust it will cause really the right thing? I mean, here is a young woman that I care so much for, that makes me happier than I have ever felt. The connection I have with her is already stronger and more real feeling than I felt with my ex. She is a virgin and doesn't care, and I like how there is no sexual pressure in our relationship. We are happy, we enjoy what we have. This is special feeling. I can actually in vision a long term relationship with this girlIts not that I am trying get out of my actions, but rather I am trying to determine whether this is a skeleton better left buried in just me for now or if i should dig it up now and leave it all to fate. I feel like it would destroy her if I told her. Not to mention she is also my younger sisters close friend, and her mother works along side my mother and grandmother.I just feel that at this point that the fallout will hurt more than needs to be hurt.
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bra , breasts, broke up, ex girlfriend, grandmother, I love you, my ex, porn, the internet, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Wait... you LET yourself get raped?
This was a situation where force was necessary. You should utilised you physical advantage and just thrown her off by force and left.
Her mental health is not your business anymore. If you were really that concerned you would have got the damned school counsellor onto her.
You fucked up. Badly. It's no longer your wants or desires that matter now. It's the girlfriend you cheated on, who should now make the decision on whether you can be trusted.
You HAVE to tell her. To make this mistake and not own up to it makes you lower than a shit-eating insect. The true man knows how to own up to when he makes mistakes and seek to make amends for them.
And key to all of this is cut any and ALL contact with your ex. Anything that has ever had anything to do with her must go. Close this chapter and never look upon it again, except in the dead of night when the thoughts burst into your head and only then.
I'm sorry. But it's no longer up to you whether this relationship continues. You made a drastic mistake in letting yourself be manipulated because you hadn't gotten any in a while. You knew what you were doing and you didn't stop, you didn't do what was required of you to end it. No, you CHOSE to give in.
Intentions are irrelevant. Choice is the only thing that matters.
Flynn 24
A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 It's a very difficult situation, if you are 100% certain it was a mistake and it will NEVER happen again and you love your current girlfriend then no don't tell her.
I do think you were wrong, it shouldn't have happened - at the end of the day you could have not had sex with her but I sense your guilt and do feel for you, especially as I think you have a master manipulator on your hands.
Telling your girlfriend is only going to hurt her, it will make you feel better but make her feel devastated. Is telling her a way to make you feel better? That's the question to ask yourself.
What you need to do is never put yourself in this situation again with this girl, and relinquish as many ties with her as possible.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (13 October 2011):
Your girlfriend does deserve to know. And even tho you may not tell her and think she wont find out she probably will. What if your ex tells your girlfriend? Or she hears it from you exs friends. The thing that is good is that your relationship is at its young early stage. What if in 8 months from now she finds out. Your going to get to know her alot better in 8 months and shes going to get to know you alot better . It would absolutely destroy her. She deserves to know. The right thing to do is tell her. But trust me no virgin would want to get with her first guy that cheated on her..... Also I agree with what the other anonymous female reader said, "If you want to be the bigger person and if you feel beyond guilty, like a throbbing, nagging pain in your chest, then tell her. Maybe she will understand. Otherwise, if it TRULY TRULY meant nothing and you feel like your new gf couldn't take the news you must vow NEVER to cheat on her again."Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Phew! I thought her "pregnancy" sounded mighty suspicious! Yes, it was most definitely a game to try to get you back to her so she could take advantage of you. What a drama-queen! I am glad to hear it wasn't a real pregnancy though, that's a relief.
Maybe what you could do is take things slow with your girlfriend and put some space between yourself and this episode with your ex. It wasn't long ago, and I believe you are still shaken by the event. Take some time to put it behind you for good, and make sure this woman stays out of your life.
When in the middle of such drama it is difficult to see what the right thing to do is. But definitely it would be best not to go from one dramatic scenery and right into a new one. I think you should tell your girlfriend, but wait and see how things develop first. Make sure your ex is gone and out of the picture.
But, before you and your girlfriend get serious I would advice you to tell her, so you do not build your future on a lie. But I wouldn't want you to tell her you cheated, I think it would be much better if you tell her the entire story about how manipulative this ex of yours is. When the timing is right you will find the right words.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes this is the same situation as the one u referenced. Shortly after I posted that question she stopped telling me she was and stopped acting like she had morning sickness and actually started sleeping with the guy who live a couple doors down in my hall. So for now I am considering it a ploy because she was jealous.
I didnt want it, and I do feel used as a safety blanket through all this and our previous relationship rather than a human she cared about. Im not going to press charges or any of that, its over, she moved on and I moved on and she has completely erased me from her life and mind. She acts like she never knew me.
This is a lot to think about. I agree with both the answers so far. I guess I just have to decide what i think is right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): I wouldn't tell her. You describe her as a fragile soul, I wouldn't bring this type of bad news just when your relationship has started blossoming. Just keep your ex out of your life. She sounds unstable and coo-coo. Get a restraining order if you have to. Don't fall for her sappy trap again. I let myself feel bad for my ex being "sexually awkward" as he described it, around me, so I wanted to help him get over me by making out with me for a couple of seconds. It meant nothing but I couldn't cope with the guilt and when he started telling others around me, I felt compelled to tell my new bf at the time that I cheated on him but that I didn't want this to happen. He forgave me but I hurt him so much.. it took a while for our rship to be the same again. We are now together for two years and there is no guilt because I was upfront with him. If you want to be the bigger person and if you feel beyond guilty, like a throbbing, nagging pain in your chest, then tell her. Maybe she will understand. Otherwise, if it TRULY TRULY meant nothing and you feel like your new gf couldn't take the news you must vow NEVER to cheat on her again.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 October 2011):
First... I can be wrong, but are you the one who's ex also said she was pregnant for the second time after this little roll in the hay? And that she had a positive pregnancy test? Did it turn out she wasn't pregnant after all? And did you use protection?
If she pressured you into sex, like you described, you could report her. If you said no, and she didn't stop, then it's rape. Yes, you could have forcefully pushed her off, but at the same time a victim is still a victim even if they are the physically stronger person. You are still capable of being used against your will. And your body would react positively, even if your mind wasn't agreeing to it. A man can get hard without being in the mood for sex, it happens often.
How do you feel around it? Do you feel you were used? Do you feel she took advantage of you and didn't respect your refusal? I think it might be easier for you personally to see this as you willingly cheating, than seeing this as something you were forced into. It hurts to have been used, and to be forced into something. It hurts so bad that telling yourself you cheated is the easier thing to accept. If you report it to the police she will probably not be convicted of anything, as there is no proof, and these cases are close to impossible to prove anyway, but it'll at least go on record. So that of it happens again, you might press charges.
You could eventually also press charges for her harassing you, coming into your room uninvited, trying to get your pants down against your will etc. Perhaps you should try to talk to a school nurse/school counselor about what happened and hear what a professional thinks. Or go and talk to the police directly to hear what they think, if it is possible to report it. However I will say that the police in general do not feel bothered by these things, they are often swamped with heavier crime they prioritize. I've reported rape to the police before only to not be taken seriously. So that could happen.
As for your girlfriend. I'm sighing here. You need to tell her. This will be on your mind and on your guilt for a long time, and it is better to tell her sooner rather than later. For all you know your ex might come and tell her. You and your girlfriend share a special bond that you talked about. With this secret between you, you can not get as close to her emotionally, it will stand in the way. You will forever always be a little too far away from her emotionally to be able to have that happy future. The only way you can still have that happy future is if you are honest with her, and have no secrets between you.
You can't know everything about each other, but some secrets are just too big to hide. You might lose her. But as I see it, that special thing you and her had is already lost, because the big secret is in the way. The only way to get back that intimate connection between you and her is to be honest with her about this. And hope that she's a mature person who can handle it well. Try to tell her the entire story like you wrote it on here. She'll probably need a lot of time to deal with it and think about it. While she's thinking don't sleep with anyone else, but show your dedication to her.
Good luck.
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