A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wonderful bf for almost a year. He is everything I could ask for in a life partner. I trust him completely, I know he loves me and will never cheat on me. He is kind and respectful, and we have an amazing time together. We are both 25 years old. Prior to that we were friends for over a year. During this time we hooked up and said we liked each other. However I felt like he was just stringing me along so I told him to get out of my life. A few days later he says he came to his sense and has been in love with me since. Now the problem is that all of his gfs since he was 20 were teenagers except one. This is really bothering me, and we fight about it constantly. I am really not ok with an adult man having sex with teenagers and high school kids. The ages were as follows, when he was 20-21 he had 2 gfs that were 16-17. He only had sex with one. then when he was 22 he dated an 18 year old for over a year but she didn't want to have sex. I cannot stop thinking about this! I feel like it goes against my morals and I just can't excuse this behavior.I know my only choices are to get over it or to break up with him and move on. I have tried to break up with him many times, but he loves me so much he gets breaks down. He is a strong man and not one to cry so I know this is very emotional for him. I cannot be without him and we end up talking and trying again, only to argue again a few days later. I even tried to get over it, but as much as I push it out of my mind eventually I am reminde of it and we argue.I don't know what to do :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): So if an older guy dating a teenage girl is a perv, then what about the classic gender and maturity ideas? What about the belief that teenage girls mature faster than teenage boys?
I get the distinct feeling that we are supposed to believe these things whenever it suits the female involved, and not when it suits the male.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Well there you go. You harbor these feelings for him now because you in your mind are 16 and he is a 20 year old man who there must be something wrong with.
But hold on. You are not 16. And he is not 20, and hasn't dated any teenagers in 5 years, and for a full year now you have been the only woman for him.
If there was something wrong with him, like you think, can you please tell us what that is? Is he mentally underdeveloped? Is he a sleazebag? When you were 16 you thought men like him must have something wrong with them. Well now that you are dating a man who has dated young girls... what is it that is wrong with him?
Be mad at him for whatever it is that is wrong with him, and not for what you used to judge men like him as when you were 16 yourself. As for his morals, where do they stand now? What morals does he have? Look away from what he did 5 years ago, what morals does he currently have? Aren't they what matter?
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A
male
reader, thatguy88  +, writes (5 September 2010):
I have a girlfriend that has been with 10+ guys, i think about this ALL THE TIME. yes all the time. how does she compare me to these guys? will she go back to one of them? does she think about them? it does bother me and im trying to get over it. If you really love this person then it shouldn't matter, i know its easy to say and hard to forget, but in the end the person is with you and not someone else. remember that
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason why he didn't have sex with the other two teens was because of their religion. When I met him he was 23 and newly single and has not dated anyone one but me since. We both lost our virginity (not to each other) at age 18. He has had 5 gfs, only had sex with 3 of them and has had 2 one night stands.
When I was these girls' age I was approached by other men in their 20s as well, but I always turned them down knowing that there is something wrong with a man wanting someone so much younger. I was pretty mature at that age and even then didn't feel it was appropriate, so I can only assume how unprepared these chicks were at that age.
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A
male
reader, $izZle  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 I can understand how you must be feeling :( it is painful I know and the pictures that run through your mind don't help the situation either .... if it makes you feel any better let me share with you what happen to me ... I had a girlfriend and I am a virgin she tells me 1 day that she wants to make money fast ... and that she became a prostitute she used to tell me about how the men used to exploited her body everyday ... It was very painful and I tried not to think about it but the pictures of her and another just kept popping in my head it was ugly but I loved her a lot and didn't wanna loose her so I used to think about what is more important to me the thought that she loves me too was what kept me going but every day I just couldn't hear her telling me how she satisfied him ... that was a conversation killer and she started complaining that I didn't talk to her much ... the best way to deal with this is to come to terms with the reality ... yes he did have intimate relation with girls who are young but that is the past don't let that ruin your future.... try meditation that will help you clear your mind so when you get them thoughts polluting your mind just try not to think of anything ...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 September 2010):
So he has a total of 5 girlfriends (including you), 3 that were teenagers while he was over 20, and 1 of them he had sex with. Is your problem that he dated teenage girls, or that he would be okay with having sex with them (assuming that he would have had sex with the 18 year old if she had wanted it)? What stopped him from having sex with the other teenager? His morals? Her morals?
Did you wait particularly late with loosing your virginity? Why do you feel that this is a moral question?
The man has obviously matured though. According to your time-line he dates more and more appropriately. Exactly why does this bother you so much? Do you feel he is a sleazeball for dating the two youngest ones that at the time were 4 years younger than him? Do you compare yourself to those girls and think about how you were at that age?
I am sorry but I don't understand why this is a problem for you. I think you might be over-reacting. Ok so it wasn't smart to date a 16 year old when he was 20. But it was 5 years ago. At 20 many guys are young and stupid. He sounds like he has matured a lot since then. Maybe you should try seeing him for who he is now, and not what you imagine he was like at 20. And you don't know how his relationship with these girls were. He might not have been the sleazeball you imagine him to be at all. He could have had genuine feelings for them, and a sincere relationship. Try not to loose respect for him, after all he doesn't date teenage girls anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): heyy... Don't worry.... U shudn't let something like that get in between your relationship. Everyone makes mistakes.... That's his past, so let it be... You can never change the past, so it's no use arguing about it.. okayy? =)
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