A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has been feeling increasingly distant the past view months. We have been on a smooth relationship until now, but I sometimes wonder if she's started to stray elsewhere in her mind. I feel somewhat responsible, because she seem unhappy deep down. She had a boyfriend who she said was her first love, after which having over 5 relationships "sex" within 1 year of him breaking it off. I'm starting to feel a change in how I see her. I'm starting to question our connection and I think she is too.. Talking leads to good resolution and we're making progress, but the more I know the more I'm feeling to reconsider plans. Is it wrong to love who she is, but be uncomfortable about her past? She is amazing, but I almost feel detached . . :(
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 This is an unfortunately common problem, especially among men, but among both genders. The only thing I can say is that as women, we like sex too. There's really nothing different about the way we have sex from the way you have sex. In fact I feel less emotionally attached after sex than most guys I've talked to, but that could just be me. So do you feel strongly emotionally attached to your previous sexual partners? Do you feel like having sex in the past has somehow detracted from your feelings for your current partner? Somehow made your feelings for your current partner less special? If not, she's no different.
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Maybe you will find something that speaks to you on this thread...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
I hope it helps. :)
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 It's quite normal to feel what you are feeling. As a guy, we are 'programmed' to be uncomfortable when we feel our female partner has been indiscriminate about sex in the past. It causes us to pause, and to hold back from 'investing' too much in the relationship. We don't want to risk being 'just another guy in a long line of guys'. Plus it makes us feel like a bit of a schmuck. Like we could have 'done better'. As if our partner is somehow not so worthy.
It's just the way things are.
One thing you need to realize in all this. Almost every woman you meet will have some sexual history. And the older you get (and they get), the more varied that sexual history will likely become. If you're thinking you can instead go and look for some 'pure' girl, then you're likely to be looking a long time, and also quite likely to end up with a girl that is just pretending to have a very moderate sexual history.
Or put another way, women have sex. Plenty of it usually. In their 20s they tend to have more sexual partners than men. And although as guys we like to think that the 'one' for us has been in some kind of suspended animation until we showed up, that's just fantasy.
I believe, this is something you should come to terms with. Otherwise your ability to have positive relationships in the future will become increasingly compromised.
You can either choose to do this now, with her. Or you can break up with her and then face it again in the future most likely.
As for whether she is the right person to be with: only you can know this. If she's not 'happy deep down' as you put it, then perhaps you're not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with her. That is a warning sign. But then again no one is perfect.
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