A
female
age
30-35,
*oloursoflilies
writes:I am in love with my girlfriend who is in my country's national under-21 football team. She's 19, the captain of the team, and is the only out lesbian in her team. According to her, several of her team mates are closeted lesbians but they are afraid of coming out. All her team mates, including her coach knows she is a lesbian but she never flaunts it and never really talks about it unless asked. A few weeks ago, my girlfriend told me something that broke my heart. She said that she couldn't be with me or she would be kicked off the team. I was shocked! We had known each other for 11 months but had only been going out as girlfriends for 3 months. She told me that her coach had come to know about the relationship and he told her that while lesbians are "tolerable", lesbian relationships aren't accepted. This confuses me. If I'm part of the team, then this would all make sense because I know intimate relationships between team mates are frowned upon, but the thing is, I'm not. I'm just an outsider and he doesn't even know me. How can he deny one of his players the freedom to love? Is he just being homophobic and unfair or is this the standardised rule in women's football teams?My girlfriend loves football. It's her passion and she has told me that she cannot see herself doing anything other than this. I don't want to have to make her choose between me or her passion because that would just be cruel. She has fought with him over this but didn't push it because she was terrified that she'd be kicked off the team and lose all her dreams. She told me that she tried fighting for us but he said repeatedly that he could just "drop her like a hot potato" if he wanted to. How can the coach be so cruel as to ban her from having a relationship just because she's a lesbian? My girlfriend told me that other girls on the team have boyfriends and that is perfectly fine with him. He only told them not to mix their private lives with their career. My question is, is it right for coaches to deny his players the freedom to love? Is he just being homophobic and unfair or is this the standardised rule in women's football teams? What should I do about this? My girlfriend and I want to be with each other but I don't want to jeopardise her career.
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female
reader, coloursoflilies +, writes (23 September 2011):
coloursoflilies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey YouWish, I already did that. I was just like you. At first when my girlfriend told me about it, I wondered if she could possibly be lying to me. Not that I don't trust her, just that I'm cynical by nature.
I purposely came to her training ground last week to fetch her after training (without her knowledge of course because if she knew, she wouldn't have allowed me to come!) and her coach came up to me and asked me who I was waiting for. I guess he was trying to make small talk because he was very friendly and all but I think he didn't know at that time that I was my girlfriend's gf because he and I have never met before. When I said my girlfriend's name though, his face suddenly changed and he told me very sternly that visitors are not allowed on training grounds. The best part? Just metres away from me, there were a couple of other guys that I KNEW were the boyfriends of some of the girls on the team. And he didn't even say anything to them!
It was after that incident that my girlfriend got into an argument with him and he said to her that he could just "drop her like a hot potato". I'm not sure if that's what he really said though, maybe my girlfriend was just exaggerating but from the way that he regarded me when I came that day, I know that he definitely has something against our relationship.
A
female
reader, coloursoflilies +, writes (23 September 2011):
coloursoflilies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all of you for your answers. I just talked to my girlfriend and she agreed to take further action against him. I showed her all your answers and somehow, she's more confident now in taking action. She'll be meeting with the head of her department tomorrow to talk about this. Do wish us luck! Thank you once again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Hold on!
Before contacting the human rights organization and all of the legal proceedings, first talk to the coach to verify the story!
Have you heard this edict from the coach, or did you just hear it from the girlfriend, because it really sounds like she might want to break up with you without looking like the bad guy.
So STEP ONE: Talk to the coach yourself. Then if the coach verifies it, then pursue it with all of the aforementioned avenues.
But VERIFY THIS! "Drop you like a hot potato" sounds farfetched to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): I don't know what state your located in, but this is blatant discrimination and is probably illegal. She may want to consult with a human rights organization or friend or mentor who is well versed in laws of the state, if she has to resort to an antagonist approach to remain on the team and in her relationship. However, realize that if she resorts to this she may drive a rift in the relationship with her coach and maybe her other team members which could resort to a threat on the cohesiveness of the team. Rather than that, she may need to have a talk with her coach explaining that although her views on this particular matter are clearly different than his, she does share the common goal of her love of football, her own success of the sport, and her success of the team. She should assure him that her lesbian relationship, similar to the heterosexual relationships of her team-members, will not effect her willingness to participate or dissuade her in reaching that goal. People who have very different personal lives CAN work together to achieve a common purpose, and denying someone the ability to participate, just because they are different can really be very limiting and detrimental to a team goal. Diversity can actually make a team stronger, because different players with different backgrounds can more likely play 'outside the box', and also opens up the playing field to the best people for the job. (If your gf can help the team win, why would the coach want to kick her off just because of who she loves?) If your gf can make her coach her friend, and convince him that she still shares the same purpose as far as the football team goes, then he will probably just feel stupid for threatening to kick her off due to her relationship and dismiss the whole scene, and she will better off in the long run if she doesn't have to resort to legal action to stay on the team.Then again, if she is using this as an excuse to break up with you, that's a different matter.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2011):
This sounds illegal to me.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Off course it is not right of him to judge who she sees and who she doesn't. Am not sure what his problem is but this is completely unfair. She shouldn't allow him to treat her like this. She says she fought the battle and lost but at the end of the day he is not going to know if she is still with you or not. So just talk to her and tell her that you can both work past this just make sure you are both careful and not affectionate in public places where he could see you. He wont know any difference if she is with you or not and at the end of the day she can always just pass you off as a friend if needs be. Am not saying that you should deny the fact that you are both together but it would be an easier life.
Yes it is wrong what he is doing and completely not fair. Is there nobody that she can go to that is higher than he is. Am sure there is a board of management that she can talk to. He does not have the right to kick her of a team because she is a lesbian. Something needs to be done about him!
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A
male
reader, cian  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Contact your local human rights organization, gay-straight alliance, newspaper, and lawyer.
Love is free. This coach has gone too far.
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