A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi thereI am in a similar situation to many of the former posters in this forum and do not know what to do...I am at my wit's end. I met my now husband in 2006 10 and when we first dated he was very affectionate and enjoyed sex and even initiated it. He proposed in 2007 06 but we did not marry till 2009 07. From about 2007 03 our sex life declined but was still normal and I figured the early stages are always exciting and then quiet down. Well it kept declining to the point where by 2009 01 we were doing it once a month and with me initiating. He also started to not hold my hand as much, hug, or kiss me. He said it was nothing to do with me and that he still loved me but as he is a mechanic, felt being exposed to carbon monoxide over the years had caused him to feel tired and sluggish. So after our marriage the sex got to be once every 3 months....last night I asked him to hug me in bed and he did not move. I asked him again and he said he thought I was asleep and did not move to come near me so i was mad and told him I needed space and I wanted to sleep by myself. So he left the room to sleep in the spare room. This morning I told him I wanted out (I have told him many times this before and he always tells me he is dumb and this is his fault and he loves me,,,but does not know why he behaves like this). We have been to counsellors...many. And they tell him he needs to open up and it is the same thing all the time. He never does anything they tell him. So today he tells me he loves me but wants to try counselling again and I told him NO as it would be the same thing over again. Anyways I tell him one of us moves out and he just walks away and goes upstairs and that is where we are now. Should I believe him that he loves me? is it possible to love someone but not want to be close to them or show it or is he lying? He seemed to have no problems in the beginning showing me his feelings..that is what gets me. I have told him just tell me he does not love me anymore and let's separate as it is miserable as we are but he says he does love me and wants to stay and fix things...but he makes no efforts. And I have to beg for a hug!! I feel I am being taken for a fool. And he did go to the doc who checked his Carbon monoxide in the blood and he is fine....meaning nothing there. I do believe he has had some CO exposure as these garages are cheap and do not have proper ventilation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Just curious, what is your husband's childhood background? Relation to his parents or family now? He doesn't want to be close to you because he is either passive agressive, manipulative or both.I think if you kick him out it would make him happy. Go ahead and take the initiative for a divorce....she who files first has the upper hand.Sorry this happened to you, but you are not the first.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Well I dont know if anyone cant tell you whether or not he loves you but you are clearly unhappy with the lack of affection and love. You shouldnt have to go without a hug or sex or a simple I love you just because its not his way- if its important to you. Id say at the very least he should compromise and make some kind of effort in a way that he is comfortable with and would show you that he cares. If he really cant do that then it may be time for you to seriously take a break and think about what you are willing to give up for him and see what he thinks about you not being there. He isnt holding up his end of the bargain- he promised to always love you-- to me that isnt just the feeling (lets be honest, we dont ALWAYS feel that) but I believe you are promising to love as a verb- you act it whether you feel it or not and he isnt acting like he loves you. This is clearly important to you- you might just have to stand up for yourself. It sounds like you clearly communicate what you want with him and he doesnt do anything about it. Youve seen councelors but all he does is show up- doesnt actually try to do the things they suggest. Unfortunately things declined and now because of that there is tension- which certainly doesnt help anything, probably makes him less likely to want to be close to you. So since none of this is working- to get results- youll have to try something else. Id say leave (or send him packing)... see how he likes life without you. My guess is that he'll begin to realize how hurt you really are and be more willing to make a little effort.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 January 2010):
I don't think CO has anything to do with your marriage problems.
I take it you have been keeping things up at your end? Keeping the romance, and the little things?
I think he just needs a kick up the bum. You've been to counsellors, he's carried on the same and nothing much has happened. You've not left and life carries on.
So he's not made effort because subconciously he knows it's easier for him to do nothing.
You need to kick him out and let him know it's time for him to either make effort, or lose you.
Good Luck!! xx
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