A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I was having a chat with a friend and the subject of my virginity came up. He ask why I still choose to keep it because girls our age aren't anymore. He got me thinking that when I do find a girlfriend that she would have slept with many guys already. I kinda got angry because he is right and I will not have had the sexual experience a future girlfriend would have. I've been thinking now if I should just sleep with experienced women so I can have something to bring to the table. Is it okay to experiment with women to gain experience even though I won't be dating them? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 "There are a lot of women in that age group who haven't slept with guys", Yeah women who don't take care of themselves(obese, don't shower)."
You're generalizing and assuming way too much here. You're assuming that all pretty women get laid, and that all ugly women are virgins. The opposite tends to be more true, because guys are scared of approaching the pretty women. They think they will be rejected. So they don't approach them, and hence the pretty ones stay virgins, not by personal choice. On the other hand, less attractive girls get hit on more often, get laid, have kids, get married etc.
It just takes one glance at the "recently married" section in the newspaper to figure it out: the less attractive and chubbier they are, the younger they get married. Of course, now I'm using a very general idea of "attractive". Everyone has personal taste, but these women do NOT look like models.
I don't know who brainwashed you, but wake up and taste real life. Regular, less attractive women get laid. Pretty women, generally the shy ones, go without attention. Just look at yourself.. you say you're not ugly, you say you have things going for you, yet you aren't getting any attention. Well, that just proves my point.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2012):
 This is you, isn't it? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/-i-want-to-lose-my-virginity-before.html
Your birthday is coming up and this is what is bothering you so much on top of the warpy thinking problem.
Let go of your belief systems. Start asking yourself, 'what part of me is so angry at this situation?' and perhaps you'll be on the path to clearing your psyche of all the gunk caused by a fallacious belief system.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2012):
You've written 2 dozen sentences on this and already I can tell you why you can't get a date. You are angry at women for imagined slights and give off a nasty, bitter vibe, an air of superiority which doesn't quite kill the smell of desperation.
You have very warpy thinking going on here and until you clear your mind of that monkey voice telling you nasty things about women, you will never be able to get close enough to a woman to get her into bed.
I think you have posted here many times. The tone, the bitterness, the sense of being wronged sounds familiar.
No one is stopping you from going out and having sex with women. If you want to have casual sex, by all means, go buy some condoms and go out and do so.
"For some reason, women do not want to date me." Any woman with functioning intuition will not date you because she will sense that you are angry at women, have some deeply ingrained prejudices and beliefs about women and have a grumpy and bitter sense of entitlement. You may have a job and are good looking enough but you are the opposite of a chick magnet. You exude bitterness and anger.
I think the bigger issue for you is that you are clinging to very rigid beliefs about women. You seem stuck on the notion that all beautiful, sexually attractive (to you) women have had sex and that only the hairy obese ones haven't, because their physical appearance is repulsive to all men. Wow. What a sad mindset you have going on there. And again, what a fallacy. You believe this so fervently that you plot revenge on your future (imaginary) girlfriend by deciding to have casual sex with other women. The problem then becomes the fact that most women will not actually sleep with you, casually or not.
One woman didn't respond to a lunch date? THAT'S what this is all about? You got rejected by one woman and you are furious.
The bitterness and anger arise from your thinking, no where else. Once you put that busy mind to work on solving that, by not thinking so much, by not dreaming up fantasies of what the beautiful women are getting up to in bed with other men, you'll be on your way to constructing a new world view. Until you do that, you will not have any success with a healthy, confident woman.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Here's the answer to your question...Yes, it's ok to go experiment with women. Why not. Go out and have all the sex you want, but you are under several delusions about women, which is probably why you haven't found a girl yet. You don't lump all women into the same group.
Like the other guy who was on here who argued and argued with us over whether he should lose his virginity to a hooker, don't ask questions on here unless you want real-life answers. Not all women just want sex. Not all women have had sex by the time they are 21. Not all women who choose to stay virgins are obese and hairy. Most of us just have STANDARDS. We wouldn't expect you to understand that though since you just want to get into someone's pants.
So, go do as you want and do who you want...as you seem not to like our advice. I could see if you were 35 and hadn't slept with anyone or had any experience, you might be asking this question, but 21? No. Especially since you already know everything anyway!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 July 2012):
 You think that the only 18-21 year old women who haven't had sex are obese and lack personal hygiene? Good lord! I think you might have just pissed off half of the female aunts on here! You couldn't be farther from the truth. In fact, the most beautiful, classy, amazing women who you think could have had every man in the world usually aren't stupid enough to go sleep with anything with legs. Tina Fey didn't have sex until she was 25...with her husband! I can name example after example of beautiful women who didn't have sex before they were 18-21. You're forgetting that the pressure on men is to sleep with anything that breathes, and the pressure on women is to NOT sleep with anything that breathes. The double standard isn't fair, but it exists.
Other than that, maybe you should realize that the reason that women aren't want to hang out with you is that you give off a vibe that you're pissy and bitter. You've got a chip on your shoulder about women. Don't you think that doesn't put off women? You feel entitled to a woman because you are you. Doesn't work that way.
Drop the chip, the prejudice, and be yourself. Don't get pissy just because you got rejected once. Ever watch baseball? The best hitters out there strike out more than they hit the ball! So, grow a thick skin and get to know women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was just a thought. "You're 18-21. There are a lot of women in that age group who haven't slept with guys", Yeah women who don't take care of themselves(obese, don't shower). I use to see sex as something special but I've been thinking more and more why. For some reason women do not want to date me. I'm I ugly? -NO! I'm I lazy?-NO! I have a hell of a good paying job. Do I have motivation?- I have a job, go to college, starting a career what more could a girl ask for in a guy? It may be decades before I finally meet someone because let me tell you that women are shady. Even to be friends, they think you have an agenda, even when you don't. I asked a friend from high school if she would like to have lunch because I was off from work, she never replied back. I was like it's just lunch, I didn't ask for a date.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (26 July 2012):
For the record - my wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (I gave her mine, and she offered hers in return) on our wedding night. Yeah, it was lousy sex - even though we had done "just about everything but THAT . . ." during our engagement, neither of us really knew much about what we were doing.
Even so, it was VERY significant and meaningful for both of us. Among the most emotionally intense things I have ever done. (I'll admit that I was crying as we finished.) The second time - a couple hours later - was physiologically MUCH better for both of us, so I guess we learned fairly quick. And we have continued learning for almost 38 years now - despite starting out with no experience.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (26 July 2012):
I was 21 and sitting in my college graduation. I watched as my friends' names were called, and as they stepped down from the stage many of them were greeted by a wife or girlfriend (or both?) giving public displays of affection that verged on sexual assault. I thought, "Hey - I'm probably the ONLY guy here who has never been laid!".
Well, it wasn't true then, and it's not true now - but it would be 5 years or more later, after I was very married, before I realized that. (If nothing else, just a few weeks ago I'm reasonably confident my over-30 son and his wife had a "wedding night virgins" experience.)
When you establish a serious relationship with a girl - serious enough that both of you have decided you want to be life partners - and add true lovemaking ("relational sex") to your relationship there are several possible scenarios I'd like you to think through:
- If you are both virgins the mental and emotional aspects of the sex will probably be MUCH more important, as well as much more satisfying, to BOTH of you than the physical aspects. That will be true no matter how skilled, or how clumsy, the physical encounter is. And, you will truly benefit from "learning together" - as well as avoiding the embarrassment of "unlearning" the preferences of a previous partner(s).
- If she is "experienced" and you aren't, she will probably find it at least charming - and potentially very meaningful - that she is your first sex partner. She will probably be pleased at the prospect of teaching you, and may appreciate that you are giving her something very special to you, that you haven't shared with anyone else.
- If she is a virgin and you aren't she may be a little resentful. This could be a friction point in the relationship.
- If you go ahead with your idea to get sexual experience through casual fornication, your future relationship partner (whether she's a virgin or not) may be put off by the apparently low value you have for your sexuality. She may also wonder if you will be faithful in the relationship, considering your previous experience.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 July 2012):
 Agree 100% with Tisha-1. You don't even have a girlfriend and already you're figuring out ways to get back at her for something that has nothing to do with you. It's a little nuts.
If you are hoping that a girl you meet will be a virgin or inexperienced, then you have a much better shot at that if you aren't a hypocrite about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 July 2012):
 Seems to me you want to have sex and "gain" sexual experience for all the wrong reasons. Seems like you want to do it as a tit for tat, even-though you haven't even met a girls who is sexually active that you want to date... But you want to "punish" her for not "saving" her virginity. Which seems really silly.
There are plenty of girls who waits for the "right" guy. And there are plenty of guy who wait for the "right" girl. Either you do that or you don't. But wanting to have sex because "ALL" girls now a days do it, and that makes you MAD, that is kind of lame, don't you think?
Now if you want to be experienced in the act of sex when you meet your first GF, that would be another matter, even though... not everyone gets real good experience from casual sex. Mostly because they do it just to satisfy an urge, they really don't care about their partner or their partners needs/wants.
Also, the lemming theory pops to mind.. If EVERYONE jumps of a cliff does that mean YOU should do it too?
I think you stand a WAY better chance at finding a girl who meets your "requirements" of morals and values if you take the time to find her, instead of just boinking everyone who is willing. If you just have sex to have sex, I'm betting the kind of girl you want.. wouldn't want you.
It's a catch 22.
Think it over, look at your motives.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (25 July 2012):
 My field of expertise lol. I lost mine at 25. Wish it was sooner man i still feel like im playing catch up. Putting a few notches on ur belt shows u have sexual worth n are comfortable with the idea of sex
To women that shows confidence n thats sexy. Forget all this soft crap about waiting n it being special its irrelevant. If ur ready to do it mentally n physically then just get it done n over with. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2012):
You're angry at an imaginary girlfriend, whose past you've also made up and have concocted a plan to get 'even' with her by having casual sex? Really? That's your plan? You think that makes sense?
How about this instead: meet and date a girl like yourself. They are out there. Though I hope she's not prone to becoming angry at imaginary fantasies.
I think you have some warpy thinking going on there...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 July 2012):
 I agree with the previous posters.
many women your age are virgins
as for finding someone for "fun and games" AS LONG AS YOU ARE 100% honest from the get go that it's nothing more than "fun and games" NSA sex... go for it.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (25 July 2012):
 Well, I do not think that I typically had a relationship with any woman without some possibility that it could be more meaningful. Truth: Maybe a few times. But usually, there was always, in my mind, a good reason to be with her, and that I had feelings beyond mere attraction. I've always had hope that a possible longterm relationship could happen, although it may have begun primarily with sexual attraction - and sometimes went little further.
It's a good question. I agree with "JustHelpinAgain" and "YouWish" that it's ok if your intention is clear and upfront. Just do not deceive anyone.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 July 2012):
No, your friend is not right. Who is he to say what the vast majority of women do with their bodies. I was 26 before I lost my virginity and wish I would have kept it then. I slept with a guy twice before he went to college and I never saw him again.
If you are looking at sex as just a physical action, then go out and have all you want. If you look at sex as something special to be shared between two people who care about one another, then you'd better wait until you find someone you care about. If you don't, you'll regret it.
When you "do find a girlfriend she would have slept with guys already"? Wow, you really don't think much of the female gender do you? So girls do sleep around, but others don't. Just like guys. Stop lumping all girls in the same category because we aren't all alike.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (25 July 2012):
Would you like someone to experiment with you? As long as you make your desires and intentions clear and find a woman that agrees then fine. Maybe a prostitute would be better for you thought.However I believe your original premise is false, there are many women and men your age who haven't had sex yet. They want to keep sex for a meaningful relationship. If you don't want to be in that group then fine, but there is no going back.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (25 July 2012):
There is far more than just experience, sex is so much more than that. I was like you and lost my virginity because despite being pressured into it, i also wanted to become experienced. I was also never brought up to believe sex was special and something to save for the right person. But having been through it, i would change it if i could. Sex should create a bond between two people. I struggled with de-attachment from sex. You dont remain a virgin for your significant other. You do it for yourself. Because it is right for you and something you want to share with a person you care about. Sex feels better and means so much more with someone you love and care about. The emotion heightens the intensity of it all. I would advise you to wait until you find someone you truely care about. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 July 2012):
You're 18-21. There are a lot of women in that age group who haven't slept with guys. Your friend is not right.
Is it okay to experiment with women to gain experience? Sure, as long as you don't lie to them about using them. If you can find another woman who is interested in casual experimentation without a relationship, then it's fine. However, you do realize how risky that is (i.e. disease, pregnancy, either of you developing feelings and getting hurt), and being that casual with sex is not a turn-on to respectable women.
Like I said, tell the truth. Don't promise a relationship or lead a woman on into thinking you're interested in her when all you want to do is use her for sex. That is not cool. This site has a lot of posts by women who dated a guy, had sex with him, only to have him disappear. Don't do that.
Of course, the best option of all is to not listen to your friend, meet a girl you truly have feelings for, and develop a relationship. The sex will be infinitely better, and you don't have to take on the risk that casual sex brings.
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