A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This isn't much of a question, but a remark on relationships. As time passes, with the accumulation of personal and anecdotal experiences of my good friends, there is a social expectation that has become more and more untrue.You often hear people say "my wife/gf is my best friend" or "my husband/bf is my best friend", but is he/she really befitting of the title of a "best friend" as someone that highlights all the qualities of a friend, but even better?Let's define my personal definition of a "best friend"1) Someone with whom you genuinely share a large commonality of interests 2) Someone with whom a great deal of trust and reliability is mutually established.3) Lastly, the personality of this certain individual is also complementary or pleasing to yourself.Therefore, the person who follows suit simultaneously on all these points is also most likely to be categorized as a "best friend".As I look around, with my own personal experiences, my acquaintance's and society at large- I come to realize that the Significant Other usually fails at least on one of these three criteria described. I mean how many of us have a GF/BF that actually share the same variety of commonalities? Does you boyfriend sincerely enjoy fashion or shopping or your music just as much as your girlfriends do? Does she honestly enjoy the sports, video games or intellectual debates on philosophy, economics or science just as much as your boys do?Therefore, it seems that these interests can't be shared with your significant other but instead must be delegated to your friends in order to satisfy those emotional needs. Hence failing the first criteria of a "best friend".On to mention point 2).... At the very least trust should be established and mutual reliability should be there to a certain extent, yet as a man- we instinctively know we shouldn't be relying on our women for our livelihood, unless risking the very essence of our manhood. To further illustrate, what woman enjoys that her husband exhibits dependance on her for his well-being and nourishment to a large degree? As men, we know that we should display our masculine independence and the ability to thrive on our own. Clearly, that's what the guy in the Lamborghini demonstrates.On the other hand, men can safely demonstrate that they depend mutually on other men for survival/livelihood, without risking disinterest. Such cases are many, but are most outlined in areas of the military, sports, industrial settings and etc.etc.Sure, some women will argue that they enjoy if a man shows they need her as well, but it can safely be assumed that the direction in where independence lays is skewed in the man's direction, therefore invalidating my second criteria for "best friend".Hence moving on to my last point which is about pleasing/complementary personalities...#3, how many of us have been involved with someone regardless of their personality. The only redeeming factor being their sex appeal, money, power. or w/e. Or how about this? How many times have you had to curb your own personality for the sake of your significant other.. such as lying or avoiding certain facts so that your S.O. wouldn't have their feelings hurts. Meanwhile, if the same truth was actually said to a best friend, he/she would never mind about it, and let you be you.For these reasons, I'm starting to believe that the S.O. could never be anyone's best friend and should be reserved to their specific role enlisted (it doesn't mean that you shouldn't care for them). I would love to hear your opinions, commentaries on the matter.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2011):
 Just because I like to go shopping and my SO does not does not mean he’s not my best friend. We hate each other’s music but then I rarely listen to music or discuss it with my other friends either… Does your BEST FRIEND actually do all these things? I have a BFF a best friend forever friend. We’ve been friends since close to when you were born… we met each other late 1989 and have been friends since that, including several marriages between us a few divorces on my part and the raising of our children to fine adults. We don’t discuss, religion, politics or music as we have different beliefs… and we can go weeks without talking to each other but if push came to shove, I’d lay down and die for this woman. And she would for me…. My ‘current’ best friend… a woman 18 years younger than I am at a very different point in her life but we have some things in common and almost daily contact via email….NONE of them compare to the fact that the MOST important person in my life is my fiancé.My fiancé is all man but he hates sports. We board game together (that’s how we met) and that’s our primary passion… neither of us like intellectual debates on ANYTHING much less philosophy, economics or science… although I probably have a more scientific mind and interest than he does. It is very interesting to me that you define common interests in very gender oriented roles. My partner likes to cook for me… do you like to cook or is that too girly for you?NOT every activity I like requires friends to make it happen. Therefore NOT every friend will like every activity and my BFF hates board games… On to point two… “yet as a man-we instinctively know we shouldn’t be relying on our women for our livelihood, unless risking the very essence of our manhood”. You are kidding right????Seriously? So what you are saying is that by being connected emotionally to a woman you are a weaker man? LIAR. STRONG MASCULINE MEN are often the ones I see with tears in their eyes.. that are touched by gentleness and kindness… STRONG men are the ones that seek women out to help round out the rough edges. Given the choice between a connected emotional man and a standoffish brute of a guy who thinks that showing emotions is weak, I’m going for the emotional man any day of the week.Men with window dressings that are cold and hard are horrible and shallow. I know a man with a Lamborghini. He’s well in touch with his emotions and he lets his guard down often. He’s a shrink…. But he grasps that human nature is to be NEEDED and WANTED…. So that shoots #2 out of the water for me as well.Besides TRUSTING and RELYING on someone does not mean being a wuss or independent nor does it mean being dependent and wussy…. I think that part of your issue here is how you define trust.As for #3… how in the world do you even get to figuring out that a person is sexy with money or power if you can’t talk to them?IF you are in a relationship where you LIE then you are in the WRONG relationship. LIES of any sort have NO PLACE in a relationship . Being something you are not is a lie. Being a phony is a false way to have a relationship…. Yes I am sure younger people such as yourself think it’ appropriate to FRONT what they think is a good personality to CATCH the right person but that will in the end blow up in your face. As you have seen.While NO ONE person can be EVERYTHING to anyone (often said in OUR home)... given the choice yes I will have dinner out with the girls and I will gladly go to work 8 plus hours a day to get a diversity of life, but in the end I WANT to go home and share my day with my partner....after all he's the one who's there every day..... and that I am most excited to see on a regular basis... and it's NOT about sex or that he's rich or handsome... it's about that he can cry in front of me and curl up in my lap like a child and be loved. It's about the fact that when I WANT something he will bend over backwards to FIND it for me even if it's an out of print or hard to locate item.It's about eating something he does not love so he does not hurt my feelings.....Best friends take on a lot of roles... and sometimes they can't fill all of them.... but they still stick with you....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): Interesting observation, OP! I don't know if I'll be able to address all the points you've raised, but I'll give you my view on what I believe to be the main ones.
I think this is a completely subjective matter, beginning with your idea of what constitutes a best friend. Other people will invariably have different definitions (although I'd like to add here that I pretty much agree with yours). Also, no matter how much personal experience you have or anecdotal evidence you gather from people you know, you'll never be able to speak for everyone. Even a general trend in society can't possibly account for the experience of all.
Take a best friend who isn't your significant other. Even then, the two of you won't share every single interest or opinion. In fact, there are times when you'll positively disagree with one another! But if you're genuine, you'll respect and can even learn from one another's differences.
I'll tell you a personal tale now - my own experience of the concept you're questioning. The man who is now my significant other is, without a doubt, the best friend I've ever had. That's how we began. And I can say in all honesty that to me, he meets every criterion I could possibly think of to qualify as such. Although we have numerous interests in common and a solid foundation of shared opinions on various matters, we have an equal number of dissimilarities. I trust him with my life, and there's nothing I can't tell him. I love his personality to bits, but naturally he has one or two characteristics which I don't find so great! It doesn't change anything though.
We're both fierecely independent, and for the most part don't really have defined gender roles within our relationship. We both cook, clean and share financial responsibilities as much as we can. I'll admit he fares much better than me in terms of work and career... but he's older and established, while I'm still at college. A lot of the time we act like friends rather than lovers! The banter never ends, we mess around like teenagers, and those dynamics work for us. Quite honestly, I almost forget he's my boyfriend sometimes. Because when I look at him, I can't help but think that he's just the best mate in the world.
So I think it's different for everyone. Personally, I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't feel like a really good friend too, but that's just me. I think it's the best of both worlds, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to have found someone who fulfils both roles. I don't know if that's what you're looking for too OP, but if you are... I believe it can happen, so never lose hope! Anyway, I hope you found this useful. Take care :)
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (27 December 2011):
I think the problem with your view on this one is that you're fitting the idea of "best friend" to a list of criteria that doesn't necessarily apply to anyone but yourself. Also, the premise of actually limiting friendship to those criteria is a bit unbelievable.So you're telling me that you could have a wonderful friend with whom you enjoy spending time with and trust whole heartedly, yet they wouldn't make the cut if they didn't share all your interests or had a different personality style than your own? That's hard to believe.In fact, most of my best friends don't share all my same interests or have common personality traits. We may enjoy video games together, but our music tastes differ. We all like to go out to eat, but I'm the only one who likes to go out for drinks afterwards. Some shy away from a party, where I'm always up for going. We can enjoy all the same movies yet hate each other's choice of television shows. I don't think any two friends, no matter how close, actually share personalities and interests on a 1 to 1 ratio.You seem to be really limiting yourself in who you can label as a best friend, and I'd suggest dropping that label altogether. I certainly have friends I spend more time with than others, but there are some situations where I'd rather be with one person than another simply based on what we're doing.I guess as a last point, I'll point out that I have had a girlfriend who I considered my best friend. We shared more commonalities than all my guy friends combined and were insanely close; closer than I'd ever been with a friend. And it was wonderful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): I think that's a load of BS. I have a best friend and we do not share a great deal of common interests, i.e: she drinks alcohol-I don't, I love reading, watching movies-she doesn't, When we travel together I love to explore the locations we visit- she likes sitting by the pool, yet we have been the best of friends for many years, because of the fact that we have trust, enjoy each other's company and have a bond together. So yur description is not true for me. I do give you that trust is important and vital in any relatiosnhip and friendship. As for your last point I never change my personality for anyone, I say it how it is and I often get told that I am too honest and abrupt. The fact is in a healthy realtionship, you should be able to trust and confide in your partner, be able to talk to them about anything, and be able to work with them to overcome the obstacles. I do the same thing with my best friend and with my partner, so I am sorry but I think your thought process is made up on a lot of misconceptions and stereotypical views. That's from my personal experiences though, each to their own.
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