A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 43 and am dating a 46 year old man for 9 months. We are both divorced (5 years and 10 years) and both have kids. I have really been enjoying getting to know him. When we first met, he had just moved from a rental house into a house he had built. Things were very hectic as I assume they would be when an adult with 2 jobs and kids and a move is concerned. My question is this. He works alot. A "regular" job and then a side job that makes him about as much money as his "regular" job. The hours are unbelievable. He hardly sleeps, spends hardly any time at home, and has his kids every other weekend where he must run them to thier various sports games etc. There is hardly any food in his house, as he has no time to shop, cook, clean up, etc. He spends a ton of money on eating out with the kids. I thought things would improve as our relationship progressed and we were able to do things together with our kids and the house situation became more settled. Instead, I feel like the opposite is happening. We actually see each other less, I feel as though I'm working so hard trying to "help" him by making him dinner and being understanding to a fault about the craziness of the schedule, etc. etc. Now he has begun what I call "rants" about everything from how annoying the line at the bank is, how annoying stupid drivers are, how annoying it is that the kids have a half day of school, how annoying it is to try to make plans, etc. etc. It's crazy. It stresses me out and makes me feel bad. Let me just say that I have always been a people pleaser to a fault. I am a smart person who is legitimatley working on these issues by seeing a counselor and reading a lot about relationships. Yet, it is a hard habit to break. I want to be a partner, not a mother or a sounding board when the line at the toll booth is annoyingly long. Help! What should I say and more importantly, HOW should I say it to have a productive conversation and not an argument? There's a lot of good to this guy. I'm just not sure if this is stress talking, if this is his natural personality that is jsut coming to light after the "honeymoon period" of dating, a comination of both, or what!!!
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 October 2011):
 It sounds like his second job is taking a toll on him and he is stressed out. Everyone has their breaking point when it comes to work and it certainly sounds like he is reaching his. It also sounds like this is affecting your relationship.
At this point, I think you need to catch him at a good time and tell him how you see things going and that you are worried about him working all the time. There comes a point where every man has to decide whether they are living to work, working to live and it certainly sounds like he has crossed the threshold to the dark side.
Hopefully you can bring him back and make him see what his work hours are doing to you and him, and his children. There are no magic cures for this, but to simply bring it up as a point of concern and see how he reacts to you. This could be an important time to determine how well you communicate as well as compromise with one another, should you be seriously looking at him as marriage material.
Also, be sure to look at his budget. If he is spending money, help him understand that he could probably work just one job if he lived within his means.
Good luck
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (22 October 2011):
 Tell him how you feel and what you see happening to him and don't take any ranting from him.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 I know someone who also performs these "rants" and sometimes I feel like telling him that it's selfish. No-one likes being used as a sounding board, but he doesn't care. He dumps his problems on me.But getting back to your problem, you need to break off the relationship and find a partner who does not perform rants. It will drain up all your energy if you have to listen to this shit for five years.How would he like it if you complained about trivial things like the queue at he bank, or the bad drivers?Don't waste any energy being polite when you dump him. Tell him straight that he needs to learn not to dump problems on people. That if there is a long queue at the bank, it's his problem, not yours.A good line to use when someone dumps a problem on you is to say...That must be tough for you.That way, you hit the ball back into their court. You dump their problem back onto them.If you decide to stay with him, you will need to do something to stop his whingeing. And that is not going to be easy.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (21 October 2011):
 If he's worth fighting for, make sure he knows you have to fight for him. He will assume you're okay until you tell him otherwise, hon.
Let him know that his schedule is unacceptable. Tell him that he NEEDS to take time off or lessen his work load and hours or the relationship will eventually end because you're not happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): He is under a lot of stress. Does he have other friends? I'm guessing not. So you are the only person he has to get all this stress out. Really nothing will change until he cuts back on his schedule. He can't be a partner because he can't even breathe for himself. I am the one in the family who runs, runs, runs. I feel like a servant more than a wife and mother. I go to work and work all day. I go home expecting to relax. My husband is already "working" in his office, so I have to figure out dinner. That means either cooking and cleaning or going out to pick something up. I do every last bit of the shopping and banking. I have to take our son to all the school functions... alone... I have to do all the chores and laundry, back rubs, baths... it's just go go go.So guess what happens? When anyone asks how I am all that stress comes out of my mouth even if I don't want it to.So, that's what I know from experience. Maybe you are helping with the house, that's great. But don't expect a change until his schedule lightens up.
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