A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am very confused and at a loss of what to do, think and believe . My husband and I have been together 3yrs and got married last november. I just found out the truth that my husband has been talking/flirting with other girls before and after we got married till this day. Also, that he watches porn and had watched/chatted with a few trannies. He swears he's straight and took three days to admit that he did that. Even when I had proof, He came up all the lies he possibly could but the proof I had he ran out of excuses. It took me a couple days till I confronted him and asked if he was at least bi, his reaction was very angry/aggressive/defensive. My husband and I have been rocky this year. I've noticed both of us started to drift apart given he's in the military and we haven't been with each other for over a year. We've stayed strong for so long and I thought we were solid till he told me he loved but was not in love with me a couple moths ago. His reasoning was cause all we do is argue. We had our first child this year in February so there had been a lot of big changes in both of our lives all at once. Im not sure whether to believe him when he says he's not gay or bi . Anytime I asked for the truth and he denied everything my gut told me otherwise so I kept asking till I got the truth. Now that I know everything ...I don't know what to do with all this information cause I still want to be a family..part of me believes he's straight but then part of me thinks he's bi. :(help
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2014):
 I think he doesn't want to talk about it because he isn't sure himself.
Fascination with something (like tranny porn) doesn't ALWAYS mean that they WANT to try it. It's just really different from most things they know (sexually).
And I think (this is just me guessing) some men feels it's more "safe" to watch the straight up gay porn. Because they she-males look part woman/part man, but usually MORe woman than man.
His sexuality is HIS. He really doesn't HAVE to share how he feels about it. As long as he doesn't act on it, I really don't see how him being bi-sexual can affect you, you know?
I hope he gets orders soon, and that you two work this out.
And I'd suggest you stop snooping, it's not helping either of you right now. Instead SET some ground rules - like him NOT contacting other women, men or whatever else in a sexual manner. No chatting sex with random people. TALK to each other instead. Either way, FIND ground rules that can work for you BOTH while separated by distance and when you are together.
A
female
reader, Anonymous s +, writes (11 July 2014):
That was very helpful thank you! Last week I went up for a visit to talk about us in person and what we both wanted and what needed to change and what we both are willing to do to make it work and we agreed on marriage counseling but we have another month or two months till we can be together. (Waiting on orders for me and my son) I found or about the tranny porn when I got back. I don't necessarily mind if he were to be bi I guess it just bothers me if he is he doesn't want to talk with me about it as if he doesn't trust me or idk. I do think he has lost his attraction to me as if I always have to tell him to put effort. Which is another reason why we agreed on marriage counseling.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2014):
Does it really MATTER whether he is bi or straight?
Being bi-sexual doesn't mean he will automatically want to cheat on you with a man, she-male, tranny or another woman.
The fact that he TALKS to others in a sexual nature has NOTHING to do with him being bi-sexual or in the military. He talks to them because he CAN and maybe because he isn't happy at home (NOT putting the blame on you though), just giving you a reason.
And he MIGHT not WANT to accept that he is bisexual. Some people (maybe even you) still sees it as "deviant behavior".
All it really means is that bi-sexuals CAN be attracted SEXUALLY and EMOTIONALLY to both men and women. THAT is all. Some never ACT on. Others do.
The fact that he LIES has nothing to do with his sexual orientation.
He lies because you treat him like a child, you CONFRONT him DEMANDING the truth. And he lies as his first defense like a 5 year old with his hand in the cookie jar.
The lying is MUCH worse than the talking to people outside of the marriage. But I think it's become habit for him.
As for the type of porn he watches.. It really doesn't mean anything conclusive. Some men (and women ) have a fascination with she-male porn.
The military offers MANY decent counseling programs for married couples and individuals. Go through MilitaryOneSource or his unit's Chaplain. I would suggest though that if you go though the Chaplain for couples counseling that you focus on the lying, not his sexuality. Because the BIG problem you have is the lying and not trusting him. (and he HAS given you reason NOt to trust him, BY lying and talking to other people behind your back).
Another reason I say, don't bring it up is if your husband isn't SURE himself you shouldn't "out" him. Does it mean you two can talk about it? No, but this is one of those things you will have to have some patience with.
And secondarily, even IF the military no longer "discriminate" against anyone who isn't SOLELY (at least officially) straight, you don't want to make his work life harder than it is.
I suggest you sit your husband down first and talk to him. TELL him you WANT your marriage and relationship to work, but there are things that need to be worked out between you. And that you think you two need help to do it.
If he agreed then talk MilitaryOneSouce or Chaplain for help. I know many units do some 4 days marriage retreats that are pretty useful. My husband and I went on one while stationed in Germany and walked away with some really good tools to deal with various marital issues. Again your husband can ask about those through the Chaplain and no, you don't have to be religious to do them - they are not focused on religion but relationship issues. If you however, ARE religious you might also consider talking to your pastor or priest and see about counseling there.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (11 July 2014):
MOST people are "a little bi", it is just harder to admit it for males because there's a stigma. My question to you is,why is that more important to you than his lying and dishonesty?
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