A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am friends with a guy. We started as friends, then we kind of dated and kissed a bit but at that time I was emotionally involved in something else (that could just not happen) and from what he told me later he is scared of relationships, but at the same time wants one we talke a lot about him trying to find a date, etc. He disclosed at some point that he was still a virgin(that was about 2 years ago), and as we were both under the influence of an empathy-inducing substance at that time I felt "obliged" to sleep with him (well I liked him enough to do that).I did not sleep with anyone before him for months, had a full std check (I do it always between partners), and was on the pill (I took it for medical reasons). I asked if he wanted to use condoms and he left it up to me- since it was safe from my side, and from his, I wanted to give him a good first experience we did not use condoms. We slept together again, but at the third time he asked to use condoms. I thought it was weird, since we did not use them before,and since he did not ask to use them before, and since I was on the pill, but I agreed to it. I think the sex did not work out that well then: I suffer from sensitivity to latex and it hurts a bit when I use condoms. I told him this, and that I avoid using them if I can (but I would certainly not have sex without them if I was not on the pill!). After that I think we moved back gradually to just being friends, and not sleeping together, neither of us wanted a relationship at that time I think (well maybe he wanted, but not necessarily with me) and we became good friends. In the first few months after we slept together though I stayed at his place a few times and he tried to have sex with me, but it always ended up in just making out a bit, because I was not interested any more (for various reasons). Since then I think he slept with 3 girls, had one actual girlfriend after me, and I think the making out attempts stopped around the time he was seeing her. After they broke up we went dancing a few times and shared a bed after that, but nothing happened at all.And he generally talked about him dating other people...in fact most of our conversations were him talking about his crushes and him trying to find somebody to have sex with, and him going to dates, and he even talked about sex with the dates.In the 2 years since that adventure with him I made out with 2 people, but did not have full sex with either, and I generally talked less to him about my sexual life. We define our relationship as friends, and he always kept saying that I am one of his best friends. Few months ago I moved to a city abroad, and he was saying how excited he was to come to that city, especially since his 2 good friends live here as well. Then I moved to a place which does not have a living room, and where my room only has a one big double bed. One day he informs me that he is travelling to the city where I live: since it seemed like he wanted to visit me, I offer him to stay at mine, but say that we would need to share a bed, since there are no other options, so I said that if he feels uncomfortable about that, he should better sleep at his other friends place. He said that he is fine with staying at mine. So... he arrives and feels the need to tell me that he does not want to have sex with me. I mean...we did not have anything in that way for the last year and half, and I have crashed at his in that time, without anything happening either, I seriously don't get the idea why he thinks it is is important to bring this up, in such a blunt manner. He says it is because I talked to him about "being horny" at some point.. but we talk about such things to each other! (well especially him, maybe the fact that I talk about it much less compared to him gave him the idea that I was interested in him when I said something along these lines...but I was only reflecting what he talks to me about!)Then it turns out that he "does not feel comfortable" about sharing my bed with me" because he usually sleeps alone and sharing a bed with somebody is "special""....(this is from a guy who talked a lot about wanting to find somebody to have sex with!) but I have asked him before about that! and he said it was ok! and I did not insist on him coming to my place, I just though it would be a nice thing to offer! He knew the conditions, and agreed to them, and then throws it into my face as me being "weird" for thinking it is ok to share a bed with somebody you are not having a sexual relationship with.. but we have shared a bed a few times after our relation turned non-sexual!Then we have a big argument, and he brings out the not using the condom issue from 2 years ago again. He accused me of not wanting to use condoms: which is not true: the first 2 times he did not mention wanting to use them, the first time even I asked if he wanted them and he left the decision to me. When he finally asked to use them, I agreed!!! It is true that I don't like using them, but that does not change the fact that I am responsible about sex, I will use them when I am not on the pill and if I have a new partner I don't have sex with them until we are both tested. It makes me feel absolutely awful: I slept with him because I like him, and because he seemed unhappy about being a virgin, and he somehow makes me feel that I "made" him do something that he did not want to!, even though he agreed to it at the time, Secondly I feel horrible about wanting to welcome him as a guest and offering him the only thing I had: a share of my big bed, which seemed normal, given that we already slept in the same bed many times, and him agreeing to it, but then saying he felt uncomfortable about it. He also said that he does not like people very much and that sharing a bed with somebody or sleeping in the same room even as somebody is making him feel bad.... I mean I should have known this before I invited him!I need to know if I have done something wrong in relation to him, the whole thing is making me feel awful. Please help.
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best friend, broke up, condom, crush, horny, std, still a virgin, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 You did nothing wrong. He behaved poorly -- I wonder if he's even aware of how badly he handled the situation. At best you're left with a friendship with a socially awkward individual. At worst, he's somehow confused or perhaps feeling guilty about what happened between you. If he's not forthcoming with an acceptable explanation for such rudeness it's entirely reasonable for you to re-evaluate your friendship. As Sweet-thing said, what positive energy is he bringing to your life?
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (5 June 2012):
 You have not done anything wrong. He's weird. Why are you wasting so much time on this guy? Are you friends? FWB? I can't figure it out but it sounds like this relationship, whatever it is, is draining you of good emotional energy that you could be spending on a guy who doesn't have so many hang ups and weird views on sleeping or not sleeping with someone he is or is not having sex with. Stop being available to him and move on. He's a waste of your time.
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