A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,There's a guy I know and I like her very much and he likes me too. We've gone out for a date four times. Here's the deal: he's my best friend's ex that dumped my friend about 5 months ago. Now before things got further between me and him, we feel that I have to tell my best friend first. Oh God, I'm really afraid of the outcome. Here's the possible scenarios that I can imagine:-She's not happy. I stop seeing the guy, and my friendship with my best friend gets awkward.-She allows us to keep seeing each other, but deep inside she's hurting and our friendship gets awkward.-She allows us to keep seeing each other without any hesitation at all and our friendship is not affected.I feel that the first two scenarios are the most possible ones. I'd be happy if the third one happens but I can't see it happening :( I'm even thinking of not telling her at all and I stop seeing the guy but the guy insists that we find a way first. Or maybe we could continue seeing each other and postpone the talk until a significant amount of time has passed or until my friend has a new bf. So, has any of you experienced this situation? What is the outcome? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): I liked a guy two years ago and we got on well but I wasn't sure if there was a spark or not. My best friend kept pushing me to tell him how I felt about him and to ask him out and constantly gave me advice on how to act around him, telling me she thought he liked me, too. I then found out she had started seeing him behind my back and told him all about my feelings for him. It was incredibly hurtful and a complete betrayal of my trust. It very nearly destroyed our friendship, and it was only because I had known her for so long and we had been through so much together and our good history outweighed what she had done that I was able to move on from this and put together the pieces of our friendship. But it was two years ago and I still sometimes lie awake at night, unable to sleep, just torturing myself with the details and asking how she could possibly do that, how she could have put her own selfishness and some guy she'd known for less than a year before my feelings. How she could look me in the eye and ask me if I thought I had a chance with this guy when she knew full well that I didn't because he was with her. I never even went out with him, not one date. If I had ever been together with him before they got together, she and I would not be friends today. I think there are too many emotions involved here. Think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed, and someone you had once loved (and maybe still did love) and who had dumped you began to go out with your best friend, and she wasn't loyal enough not to do it in the first place, nor did she have the guts to tell you. Did you comfort her when he dumped her? Did you listen to her and support her? Why would you now turn around and stab her in the back? Do you even care at all about her or are you just "afraid of the outcome"? I don't get much remorse or compassion from your post, just fear for yourself and your boyfriend. My advice, based on personal experience of something less serious than your situation, is to break up with the guy. You should never go out with friends' exes, especially not so soon after the break-up. Ultimately it's your choice but this is what I think. Why would you want to cause her more pain than she has already suffered?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): I don't think this will be good for your friendship with your best friend. You have to decide which relationship is more important to you, that with your best friend or that with this man who you will probably end up breaking up with also. Do you know the circumstances of their break up and why he dumped her? My now x bf, who was my best friend, started going out with friends of ours after our break up and it has damaged my relationship with all of them. I'm not even sure if it was romantic with any of them but I think it was. I couldn't look at them as anything other than people with no integrity or loyalty and for lack of a better word ”slutty“. To go out with a friend's bf/husband immediately after a break up is cruel. One of them was visibly upset to find out that I was still in touch with him soon after our break up so I guess maybe he was chasing her and I think she had been attracted to him all along even though she had a bf at that time. They all miss me now and he still loves me and wants a friendship with me. Time will tell if his and my relationship will ever be repaired.
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