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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am feeling pretty down right now and would love some advice from other people on what to do because I seem to be losing my friends and boyfriend all at once.I am 27 and I have 2 best friends and a boyfriend of 3 years. I have had other close friends over the years, but they have slowly all got married/had kids etc and have eventually stopped keeping in touch with me despite my efforts. I have felt hurt by this but I consoled myself with the fact that people do move on and friendships don't always last forever.Anyway, my other two friends and I have been a great support to each other over the last few years, and I think of them both as sisters more than friends. However, in the last 6 months things have changed with both of them - one has got a boyfriend and the other has a new friend from work that she spends all her time with now. I am really quite upset by this. I have always made time for them even with my boyfriend, but now they barely reply to my calls or texts any more. I can already feel these going the same way as my other friendships have, with the 'it's been ages we will definitely need to catch up soon' messages getting less and less frequent until we only see each other at birthdays and Christmas etc. To make it worse, my boyfriend and I are also having trouble as he seems more interested in spending time with his friends and playing in his band than he is about seeing me these days too. I see him once a week at the most right now, which basically leaves me with no one to speak to other than my parents and colleagues.I can't help feeling like there must be something wrong with me because people I care about seem to be able to forget me really easily. I mean I know people do move on, but everyone? If I bump into any of these people they always seem really glad to see me, asking loads of questions about how I am and promising to meet up, then they can never make it. I have never had any fall outs with anyone or anything either, so why does this keep happening? I feel like my personality mustn't be 'making a mark' on them enough or something, but we are always really close at the time so I don't get what changes? So I suppose I this is about 2 things, the situation with my current friends and my friendship issues in general.And I'm sorry about the long rant, these last 3 have all come at once and I'm really confused and hurt I guess.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): I know this is a late reply, I was just browsing and found your thread.
I feel your pain, as I've been in the same situation. But at the same time, I have also been on the other side where the other person is always calling me and initiating contact and I feel guilty for not keeping pace.
the way I see it, there are 2 kinds of people when it comes to maintaining friendships. (1) the "out of sight, out of mind" type, and (2) the type who really make an effort to stay in touch because it is a priority to them.
I admit I myself am mostly of the first type, except for a select few friends whom I really make an effort to stay in touch with. I just don't have the time or effort to stay in touch with EVERY friend I have ever had. So, naturally, some friendships will fade as circumstances change like people moving away, or getting married and having kids and being totally consumed by their domestic life. that's OK. It doesn't mean these friends have turned their backs on you. It just means that they cannot give as much to this particular friendship at this moment in time. In a few years the situation can change again - like when their kids are older and they have more time again, or if you end up living in the same city again.
The second type of friends who make a priority of keeping in touch - I strive to be more like them. There ARE people out there who are just very good at keeping in touch and who love doing so. I'm not a natural at it, I have to work at it. If your friends are not naturally like this, then it's no wonder they would also fade away sooner or later. But that just means that you haven't yet met and made friends with these keeping-in-touch people yet.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (26 November 2012):
It's not that your friends don't care about you and forgot about you, it's that at this point in your lives, they have many other things to do. They have family commitments, relationships, household chores, work, etc. etc. It isn't as easy to keep in touch and get together anymore. I have some very close friends that I don't get to see very often either. One of them lives far away, so I only see him once or twice a year, and barely talk more than that through email. But when we see each other, it's great to catch up and it still feels like it did when we saw each other all the time. Another close friend lives much closer but I might see her every 4 months. And yes we probably COULD make a bigger effort to see each other more often, but so many other things are going on, that it does get a little forgotten.
But I know what you mean about feeling alone. It's all well and good to have a few good close friends, but if you don't spend much time together, it gets boring and lonely. So get out and meet more people. My husband and I live a bit away from both of our friends, don't know too many people in the town we are in. So we posted an ad on craigslist and kijiji to find other couples that like to play boardgames and wanted to get together and hang out doing something that we like. I get together with someone to work out at the gym. There's always people out there that share your interests and would like to make a new friend/hangout buddy.
Now you're boyfriend on the other hand doesn't make enough time for you. If he's always going out to hang out with his friends and can only see you once a week, he isn't treating you as a priority, more like an afterthought. It might be time to either talk to him about how you feel or just move on and find someone willing to spend more time with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): You're taking all of this way too personally OP. It's nothing to do with you as a person or friend, people just fade in and out of your life, gain new priorities, foster new relationships you just need to do the same. It's not that they're not your friends anymore they just have busy lives now. Their repsonse to seeing you is a very clear indication of the high regard they hold you in OP.
I mean come on, most friends disappear when they start dating someone new, that's normal. The work colleague thing is normal too.
Time to get out there and have hobbies, make new friends too. Two friends and a boyfriend is fine OP but there's no reason why you shouldn't be out there having fun and forming new friendships. I'm in my mid 30's the only friends who really have lots of time for me these days are those that are still single. My best friend I haven't seen about 6 months and we only talk about once a month online. It's not that they're neglecting me we just have moved in different directions and have different things going on.
Try not to take the natural progression of life personally OP and just keep your own life progressing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): To be honest, I think that you need new hobbies and new things to do. If your boyfriend wants to hang out with friends and deems this more important, let him and if he cannot bother himself to spend time with you then rethink your relationship and if his selfishness is worth it. The reason I say this is...would you want someone to spend time without just because you nag him? No. Your friends will move on, as so should you. PEople mature and find new friends in different activities. I suggest taking a course on something you are interested, or more important volunteering. You will see that your predicament is rather silly as there are people who are truly alone, and that there are people on the world that will appreciate your time and company.If your friends keep ditching you like this, just move on, they are clearly taking you for granted, as so was your boyfriend. So, just get involved in something else and let THEM including your boyfriend come to YOU instead.Nothing is more of a turn off than a girl who is NOT independent, and wants to be clingy all the time. Show them and him you are valuable and busy and that your time matters. ;) Let them chase you.
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