A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:A long time female friend, (know her 50 years) and I both divorced. We date as friends. During one of our dates she talked about sex. She told me she hasn't had sex in 7 years. It kind of sounded like an invitation, so I asked her if she'd have sex with me. I haven't had sex in a few years so with her sex talk it got me going and I asked her. I was turned down fast and cold heartedly. I feel she was leading me on then she pulled the carpet out from under my feet. She's backed off our long time friendship which understand the changing dynamics sex has on friendships, but we're not kids we are older adults who still have sexual needs and no one to have sex with plus we didn't do it. I'm not really worried about our friendship over the long haul, it will survive this. I don't understand why she reacted like this, I'm hurt by her coldness toward me about it and I'm hurt that she isn't willing to have sex with me too. I'm feeling very unattractive to her and other women too because of the way she reacted. I'm not ugly but I feel ugly now. Was I wrong asking this friend for sex?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2014): Do you know how many men... And women get rejected on a regular basis every day, OP? If after every rejection they would feel ugly there won't be any more dating. I just went out a week ago, and met a guy who I had sex with couple of times. He is VERY good looking by any standards. The reason why I stoped it with him, is because the way he acted after sex. Both times he acted cold right after all was over, and though we were not dating I prefer some cuddling time and at least a short conversation, not the situation "ok, we are done, go home" . Whe we met again he came up to me and kissed me on a lips. He invited me to his house. Though he was as good looking as before, smelled good and frankly I didn't have any action for a few months, I said, no. I didn't want to experience this coldness again after sex from him. I met him again couple days ago, and he asked what was the reason. We already did it, he knows I enjoyed it. I told him I am looking for a real boyfriend and we parted at that. So, you see OP, appearance is not a key factor why women or men can say no. There are many other factors that come into game. You coming on to your friend was not only quite silly but also not considerate. NEVER ASSUME anything. After only one frase after 50 years being friends you suddenly assumed that sheis into you? And then you are asking WHY she didnt want to do with you? Why would she want to do with you? Because you are right there, available? It doesn't work like this with most people.,
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2014): To the male anonymous who said, "If she was much too proper & old school for a racy idea like that, then is she very likely to be telling a male friend how long its been since she had sex in the first place, regardless of her intent?"
So if I tell a male friend, whom I'm comfortable with and the two of us have openly discussed sex and sexuality, that I have been sexually frustrated....my friend can assume that I would entertain the possibility of a FWB arrangement? That's kind of like saying (though not exactly) that if someone dresses scantily in public, she must be looking for company or is very open to accepting company. If she wasn't, she wouldn't dress like that.
I speak rather openly about sex to my friends, but my friends also know that I am not sexually active and that I don't plan to be anytime soon despite being in my twenties...But I like to talk about sex because it's entertaining.
Now, I wouldn't really get up in arms if someone who overheard me talking about sex suddenly propositioned me (politely). But, it's a bit narrow-minded to assume that just because I'm comfortable discussing sex with people that I'm asking for it so to speak.
OP, there's no fool-proof way of knowing whether someone is into you. There are people who flirt by holding your hand and showering you with compliments, yet will turn you down when you ask them out. There are quite a number of those stories on the Internet which baffle people of all sex.
Unless your friend was sober and touchy touchy with you, I think you were reading too much into her words because of your own eagerness. I'll have to agree with the other answers. It would appear your friend was confiding in you and/or wanted you to reassure her with ego-boosting words.
You weren't "wrong" to ask your friend for sex, but that doesn't mean you were "right" either. You misread the situation as many people do.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 September 2014):
 She didn't lead you on or pull the rug out from under you.
By your own admission you've been friends for decades and despite what Hollywood and some of the posts on sites like this would have us believe, friends generally do not hop into bed with one another.
If your friend had said she was overdue for a haircut, you wouldn't take that as a hint that she wanted you to cut her hair, would you? Or if she'd said she hadn't cleaned out her closet in years, you wouldn't then assume she was hoping you'd do it, right? If she told you she hadn't been for a check up, you wouldn't feel obliged to offer to perform one.
As for sexual needs...the species needs sex to survive. The individual doesn't. People don't keel over and die for lack of sex. Wanting it is fine, but your friends aren't obliged to provide it for you simply because they're single.
Her not wanting to have sex with you does not mean you're unattractive. You can't measure your worth by the choices others make for themselves.
You'll get over this, the two of you. Enjoy the friendship and don't complicate it with anything more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): Men and women, especially if they have been friends for decades, should be able to talk about sex without one party assuming this is a seduction tactic or a proposition. Unless you are withholding information, OP, I don't think this woman was leading you on. If she had made a physicsl hint or advance after venting her sexual frustration, then that would be different.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): @Cindy Cares:
I still don't agree. What exactly made it so clear that the OP's friend had no sexual interest?
Being friends for decades does not rule it out. Being open about going without sex for years does not rule it out. What rules it out? Both of those things could just as easily be making it more likely she was testing the waters with him.
Being lifetime friends makes romance less likely but what about FWBs? She said she has not had sex in 7 years. Isn't it possible for a grown woman her age to be open to something like that? If she was much too proper & old school for a racy idea like that, then is she very likely to be telling a male friend how long its been since she had sex in the first place, regardless of her intent?
Its so easy to understand her side and explain how the OP should have understood this differently. But its only easy AFTER we know he guessed it wrong. What was there to tip him off BEFORE he took the plunge?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 September 2014):
 I think I know what her weird criteria is. I remember your previous post. If she hasn't had sex for 7 years. She's the one who's feeling ugly right now. So the response she is hoping to get from you is "no, you are still beautiful, I don't understand why you can't get a lover." Instead you asked her for sex when she doesn't see you as a sex partner. She can't really treat you as a female friend as you don't have a female brain. Your male brain tells you that you need a solution to this but she just wants to talk and have you listen. I get that you are hurt but this has nothing to do with your attractiveness. I think she is reacting like this because she trusted that a platonic relationship with you would work but you are just like other men, wanting to have sex when given the signs.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2014):
 Anon male reader, you are making assumptions which are not necessarily true, about what the Aunts would answer if the same had come from a man. But anyway, you seem not to realize that it's never just the words which convey the meaning , it's the context. Think about it. These two have been friends for over 50 years, nothing ever happened and she never gave any hint of seeing him " that " way- how probable it is sthat she has changed her mind now, in her golden years ? they are going out as buddies, ( said by the OP ). For companionship. The OP, oth, had not ever done anything, before this improptu offer, to signal an attraction or an interest to the lady ( or, if he did, he omitted to tell us ). He sounds firmly friendzoned.
Plus, it would depend from the where and when and how she said that. If they are alone at her place at night, and she has a sexy negligee' on, and , languidly lounging on the sofa, she wistfully whispers .. " Ahhh... it's already 7 years I don't have sex ... " yeah well, that would be, or at least could reasonably be SEEN ,as an invitation.
But if, as it is more probable, since the OP talks of friendly outings , they where somewhere in public, and they were , like , at a restaurant or at a bar, shootimg the breeze and chatting of this and that, and the talk goes more or less to " Damn, what's got a woman to do to find someone, imagine that's 7 years I don't have sex ! "- she is just treating him LIKE ONE OF THE GIRLS. In fact, it's quite possible that she has been so descriptive about her personal life, PRECISELY because she felt safe doing this with him- due to the lack of a sexual subtext.
What I mean is that , generally speaking, women are always more open about their sex life when talking with their gay friends, or die hard platonic friends, or best friends fron childhood. Not with men they would be interested in - with them, they'd use a subtler approach , I think. There's nothing that spoils the mood and the mystery and the romance like going out with a guy and telling him how about you like to give blow jobs and you are considered very good at it, but , with your ex, it just did not work that well because he had poor hygiene etc.etc....... :). I am not saying that I am a master in Seduction 101, ( and that would be irrelevant ) but , at least I have years of life experience as a keen observer of human behaviour , so, anon, I feel confident in telling you that this is pretty instinctive, - if you ever come across a woman who embarks in a detailed tale of her sex life ( while NOT drunk )- you can be pretty sure that she is NOT coming on to you, in fact she is treating you as if you were one of her buddies.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): Because she shared with you her thought that happen to be of a sexual nature it doesn't mean she lead you on. She looks at you as another girfriend, giving the nature of your VERY LONG just friendship. I don't even understand how did you come up with all of this: she needs to have sex with you because sheis also alone and she said what she said. Male anon. said : we are not mind readers. But in this particular situation you don't need to be, it was so obvious that she just shared with you as a friend. You don't just offer sex seriously after the first frase that included word "sex" to your long time JUST woman friend. Was there any hints before, did she look at you in that way EVER?? Did she ever say anything at all of a sexual nature before? If not , you can not just assume after ONLY ONE frase that she wants to do it with YOU!I can only imagine how awkward and upsetting it was for her. From my own experience: I had a guy friend for a few years. And we got alone very well. We sometimes even spent a night in one house after a night of having drinks. Nothing ever happened. Then we desided to go on vacation together for a week. There was absolutely never anything going on, at all. We never discussed the topic, no one ever offered anything. On vacation I flirted with guys, and even discussed it with my guy friend. Suddenly he turned all angry at me that I am flirting in front of his eyes, and he left 3 days earlier. That was the last time I saw him. Which for me was not thatbbig of a loss, just left me totally confused. OP, you could at least make your offer jokingly, and see the reaction.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 September 2014):
No OP, she did not lead you on, you did everything by yourself ! :).
You have known her 50 years !, and you are going out AS FRIENDS . ( You sound like firmly friendzoned by now ).
She chose to share personal info with you as a friend, not as a male. She was not " talking about sex " or sending sexy hints, she was sharing a problem , which happened to be of intimate nature. If she had told you " You know , I suffer from vaginal dryness " or " I have a pesky yeast infection ", would you have taken it as a sexual come-hither ?..
She was annoyed and taken aback by your , unwarranted and unprovoked , proffer - she felt that , so far she had NOT given you any encouragement or green light for crossing the platonic friendship boundaries, so, what you blurted out was clumsy and gross.
As for you being mad because your sexual offer has been turned down, come on OP, pardon me, but that's a bit funny. So, just because a woman has not had sex in a while , she is bound / obliged to JUMP at any chance wherever it comes from ? From any male of whichever shape form and description ?...
OP, maybe that's what YOU feel after a few years of sexual draught- that any woman will do as long as she is willing and ALIVE. But, women ( and many men too ! ) do not operate this way.
Women have needs , true... they have the need to have sex with someone they LIKE and are attracted to. Perhaps this lady just does not do casual sex, perhaps she is not attracted physically to you because you do not meet her specific criteria for a sexual partner. But you can be pretty sure that , between doing without sex, and , having sex with a man who, for whatever reason, does not appeal to her, most women, particularly in her age range , will chose the first option. Not having a sex life may be depressing and frustrating at times... but not even the half or a quarter of how depressing and frustrating is being in bed with someone you are not particularly attracted to , just for the sake of keeping the plumbing working.
As for feeling " ugly "- please OP, you are a mature gentleman, don't talk like a teenager. First, this lady has probably rejected you based on other reasons than physical beauty ( like, your clumsy approach ). Second, yes, maybe she has rejected you because she is not attracted to you- so what ? Tastes are tastes, I don't like George Clooney , for instance, and he is a goodlooking guy. Other women have found you of their liking in the past , and other women will find you of their liking in the future.
Well, of course if you learn to be a bit savvier and smoother that will help too....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): Are you other Agony Aunts kidding? Pretend this same story was re-told in a slightly different way and the OP had never asked his friend about sex after what she said. Instead the OP was asking Dearcupid "was this a come-on?" Many of the answers would have been "it certainly could be" or even "yes very likely!" The OP is right. It DID sound like a potential invitation for sex. Either the OP had a total green light to make a pass or else the opposite, she was comfortable saying this stuff to him just because there was no chance in hell it was happening with him. The problem here is not that men don't understand how women look at sex, the problem is that men aren't mind-readers. This one could have gone either way. Why should the OP apologize now? He did nothing wrong except fail to be a mind reader. Sure it would be nice to mend the fences with this female friend. He might even say he is sorry for MISUNDERSTANDING her and making things awkward. But he does not need to apologize for speaking what he felt at the time and testing the waters with her. She did bring the subject up and anyone objective would agree that it at least could have been a come-on. OP, sorry you got rejected. But that's the breaks, you have to soak it up and let it roll off you. You took a risk and that's what you need to be willing to do with women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2014): Had she mentioned sex while conversing with a female-friend, it would not have been taken out of context.
What you misunderstood, was that she was only discussing the topic of sex. She candidly revealed she hasn't been sexually-active for sometime. Sharing something very personal and private. Presuming the two of you were mature and close enough to discuss the topic without opening the wrong door. Perhaps she over-shared, and exposed too much information. That was for your ears only, not meant to trickle-down to alert your genital-area. It was purely intellectual.
She was not propositioning you, suggesting friends with benefits; nor was she expecting you to turn it around in such away. It was a gross misunderstanding.
She did not lead you on, or snatch anything out from under you. She wasn't going there. You took it far beyond the place she intended.
Her abrupt reaction was that you took it all in the wrong way, and that upset her. Then you got highly suggestive. Taking it from a misinterpretation to an insult.
Women like to discuss very private things with people they trust and feel very close to. If she considers you a friend; she needs a shoulder, that's all.
I've often listened to the intimate details of a lady-friend's sex-life to the severity of menstrual cramps. Having a very adult conversation. Just being a matter of fact. Clinical to some extent. A exchange of ideas between genders. One educating the other.
That's all she was looking for. Hearing a male's point of view in that area of interest. You're not even supposed to blink or cringe. Just look sympathetic and share your feelings. Your penis should be in snooze-mode!
Some people theorize that heterosexual men and women in the same age-group; cannot maintain completely close and platonic relationships, without sexual-tension forming between them at some point. Unless they are blood-related, or there are extreme differences in age. One has to find the other completely unattractive in a physical way. There is no supportive data and no real evidence behind these generalizations.
I guess you tipped the scale to the side that believes it isn't possible.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 September 2014):
 I don't know, but from the way you explained it doesn't sound like an 'invitation' to me, she was just venting her frustration and I think you may have lept at the chance to inquire as to a possible trist without more veting. I wouldn't take it so personally. I think it was a simple misunderstanding on your part that led to more misunderstanding. As I'm certain you know, women can be very hard to read sometimes and they probably say the same of us. Just chaulk it up to a wasted date. There will be plenty more. It's just the way things go. You win some you lose more. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (14 September 2014):
Dear OP,
There is no reason to feel ugly or to resent her. After knowing you for 50 years, she sees you as a very important person, but your role in her life is clearly defined: A friend.
I am bisexual but I have platonic female and male friends and sex with them is a complete taboo for me. Even though these friends are physically attractive. It's just..they are in my life for a different, important reason. I need them to discuss my life with. I need them to help me through hard times. I don't want to complicate the relationship and also, to me they have become like brothers or sisters. It would be very, very weird to me to sleep with one of them, even if they look great. It's really not about looks.
You were both able to keep a platonic relationship for 50 years. I think it's a good idea to keep it that way, since it worked out well between the two of you. You both will have to make an effort to find a new partner, but it's possible. You can encourage each other and help each other through the rough times.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2014): There is a difference between how men see sex and how women do.
And your post is a perfect example of it. Men don't connect sex with feelings mostof the time, women are total opposite. I am not saying ALL men or ALL women, but majority.
You despite the fact that you know a woman for 50 years and sex was never an option suddenly don't mind doing it ONLY because you have needs and you see nothing special about it. I am sure you would just want to stay friends with her and not to change anything, just add a bit of sex on a side.
I don't think for a minute she was leading you on, and why you guys always think that the minute a woman starts talking about sex. We are not leading you on, we just want to talk about sex like you do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2014):
 Were you wrong? I would say... not really, but what I think and what SHE thinks might be two different things.
You THINK she mentioned it to tease you, I don't think so. She was talking to you as a friend and confidant, not as a woman "fishing" for an offer of FWB or just plain sex. When people have had SUCH a LONG STANDING friendship where SEX was NEVER on the table, then I certainly don't think she was leading you on at all. She MADE a STATEMENT, not giving an invitation for a proposition.
If I were you I would APOLOGIZE for misunderstanding her. For ASSUMING she was FISHING for sex, when all she wanted was to VENT her situation on X amount of sex-less years.
She might feel you don't think very highly of her to proposition her like she is a piece of meat.
TALK to her. Sort this out and KEEP sex out of friendships, unless you want to wreck the friendship.
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