A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys :)I ve been seeing my bf for 8 months now exclusively but i was kinda seeing him (never sex) when he was with his ex. I know its horrible and I feel so guilty. I met her a few times and she was so mean and horrible to him. He said that there was nothing between them anymore and was really there because he could financially sustain the house by himself. In the past 8 months hes been so so loving and sweet, the perfect bf I could ever ask for. This is my first relationship and I am just wondering if people ever change? Hes talked about kids and marriage. I don't think he would ever cheat on me but is a cheat always a cheat in your opinion? Many thanks JJ
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014): Been there. Trusted a cheater. Gave him heaven. He gave me hell. These men never change not for anyone. Dont waste your youth. There is a good man out there for you. But if you keep this former cheated with you, you will miss the good guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): Like everyone else has said, in his mind it is OK to cheat SOMETIMES. And he decides when those times are - when you two are having a bad patch or when you've just given birth and can't physically satisfy his needs, when he's depressed, when you visit your family for an extended time period, when it's financially better for him to stay with you even when he doesn't love you anymore... The possibilities are endless. It's pointless to list them all. All you know for a fact is that he is capable of cheating on someone and living with them without them having a clue. It's up to you whether you are happy to live with these truths.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 August 2014):
 A cheat is always a cheat in my opinion. So he cheated on her, but he also used her for his own financial gain, which is quite low and speaks of his character. So what if she treated him bad? That's the dumbest excuse. There's no excuse to cheat, lie, and financially use someone.
Im glad you're happy, but you should not put on your rose tinted glasses and think that you've somehow "changed" the man. What happens if you argue and he starts to think YOU are the one treating him bad? Will he feel sorry for himself again and find someone else to scratch his itch and just stick it out with you because he can use you financially or otherwise? And there you will be, none the wiser, thinking it's all good and dandy...
Yeah, sorry. I think once a cheat always a cheat. Don't think you can ever change a man. I was gullible and naive once too. An ex of mine told me the sappiest story of how his ex had cheated on him, and he took revenge by breaking her car. But supposedly it was okay to damage the car, because she was so rich she could pay for a new one....
Sheezes, when my relationship with that guy ended I made sure to slap myself for my stupidity. Do you think he treated me any better than he treated that ex of his???? I hadn't cheated on him, but he still took his revenge on me. One a vindictive asshole, always a vindictive asshole.
But sure, my ex was sooooo sweet to me while in the relationship, made sure he'd never do anything like that to me... I was so so gullible and naive. Don't do the same mistake as I did. Be prepared, because it's coming.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): It's been 8 months and this is obviously playing on your mind still if you ask the opinions of others.
Frankly we can't say what will happen here and nothing we can say will make it any less of a fear for you because you know what he's capable of and the "she's horrible, we've been pretty much finished for a long time now" excuses are the classic cheater's lines and you know it. I'm sure if you had a heart to heart with her she'd have another side of the story and stuff he didn't tell you about.
Problem is, OP, neither are acceptable justifications for cheating, so you know he's able to make excuses and you also know that in his mind there are good reasons to cheat. Of course he probably added the old classic "you're different, you're special I could never do that to you" line too. Regardless of whether he says he won't or not he is capable of justifying starting a relationship with another while still in one and there's literally nothing to say that won't happen with you.
I've never cheated and I've never started relationships with ones who have either for the simple reason that if they can justify it once they can do so again and I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that any bad patch we have (every relationship has those) her solution could be another man.
To me it's always a cheater. Even though I know a lot were mistakes and never happened again, to me it's not worth the risk.
Him cheating wasn't a drunken kiss one night, it wasn't a mistake unless you consider yourself a mistake. So not only does he not see anything wrong in cheating, he got an even better deal out of it. If his reasons are exactly as he said he took the coward's way out of a relationship and he used you to do that but who can say a lying cheat is telling the truth about his reasons?
He has no incentive to not cheat because it worked out so great last time. So any bad patch you have, or once the honeymoon period is over and things start to settle then he may start looking elsewhere again because he's the type of guy always on the lookout for something better.
OP you're going to feel like this for a while, it may never go away but you just have to wait and see what happens.
8 months might seem long but things are going well still and you're still on the honeymoon period. The real tests are yet to come.
The guilt you feel isn't going to make being crushed by him any easier and neither is worrying about it. You've made a decision to be with him, you're not going anywhere either so you may aswell just stop worrying about and get on with things. Worrying about it isn't going to stop him doing it and it'll only spoil things for you. Just assume it'll never happen and enjoy the relationship. That said keep your eyes open. You've been part of cheating, so you'll know the early signs and you've seen how he did it so you'll see his signs even earlier.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 August 2014):
 I do not think that ONCE a cheat always a cheat but you can't say that he won't ever cheat again since he's already shown you he is able to do so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): The ex will usually be labeled the horrible one in the relationship in order to justify cheating. You never get the whole story. Just your boyfriend's and your own interpretation and observations of the situation (which are biased and twisted to fit what you hope to see).
Maybe she was nasty to him those times you met her. But, maybe she was having a bad day, he had angered her earlier, or maybe she suspected him of cheating or was about to cheat...
People can change, but if he cheated on her, what makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you? Because you are better than the ex? Because you have that rare quality that can change a man?
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