A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Looking for some guidance on what to do here!!I have posted here before about this waster of a man I've spent the last 4 yrs with and I got some great advice. Just to quickly give u some back ground.. i'm 26. I've been with a man 14 years my senior for 4 years. In that 4 years he has cheated - led a double life. Is heavily controlled by his family. I can't begin to tell u how bad his mum is with him. She has always hated me and many a time made him choose me or her and if he doesn't answer her 15 million calls a day.. she goes to his door. Honestly it's crazy how she is with him. His sister and brother who are younger are a bit crazy too. Anyway.. I am currently 17 weeks pregnant. I left him after realising that he was a waste of space and has been playing mind games with me. Emotional abuse u could say. The week we broke up i discovered I was expecting. I was pregnant to him last before and he was a nightmare. I am ashamed to admit I let him push me into having a termination. This haunts me to this day. And surprise surprise.. mummy was taking nothing to do with that baby cause it was born from me. So anyway.. here I am. He was ok when I told him I was pregnant. Then he changed. He again tried to have me terminate but then would say no he was worried it'd make me mental (he already likes to tell me I'm a psycho on a regular basis). I refused. I'm 26. I'm ok financially and I have a good support network. He kept making disgusting comments about the baby and tried to give me thousands of pounds to go to Australia for a year out. His behaviour all indicated he wanted nothing to do with the baby but felt he "had to". I eventually snapped.. went to the house and went mental at him. Told him exactly what I think of him. Of course once again I am a psycho for doing this. 2 weeks later he met me in a car park and said because I am such a "crazy woman" he wants nothing to do with his child.. because he wants nothing to do with me. (This is a man who fought so hard to win me back last year) I did offer access thru a 3rd party.. like my parents dropping our son off but no he wasn't interested. He asked to be kept up to date so I text him from the back of an ambulance last week to tell him I was on my way to hospital and 2 hours later he changes his phone number. I don't know what to think or do. I just don't understand how a man who's own father left him could do this to his own son. I can't stand him but it's massively important to me that my son has both his parents in his life and gets to know his dad when he is here. So what now?? Do I send him an email or a letter? Do I wait until my boy is here and let him know so we can arrange maintenance? Do I send him the form to sign so he can go on his sons birth certificate? I don't know what to do. I'm so angry he could do this. I don't care about what he's done to me anymore, it's about arrange little baby who didn't ask for any of this. Maybe I should just say nothing and raise him without giving his dad the chance...
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 November 2014):
 When your child is born send him an email advising him. If he doesn't respond within a month (which is very generous) proceed as if he didn't exist. Don't follow up with him.
I understand preparing ahead of time and would normally agree but in this case...regardless of what he says just tell him you'll advise him when baby is born. No other contact.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): Obviously u did not read the post correctly. I have not spoken with the said asshole for weeks now. Apart from 1 text when i was taken to hospital - as agreed.. he asked to be notified if any emergencies. And I've never had a relationship with his mother. All the woman has ever done is run me into the ground when she doesn't know me. She is not my concern as I will never allow her 2 be involved. I asked for advice on wether I make contact I.e. when his child is born or offer him his place on the birth certificate.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (25 November 2014):
 WHY, WHY, WHY would you allow yourself to get in to.... and STAY in ..... such a situation as you describe?????
This guy doesn't give a damn about you. His MOTHER re-inforces his behaviour (which, incidentally, indicates just how much of a CHILD he is)!!!!! .... and YOU are "on the outside" ruminating upon what assholes he and she are.
WHEN are you going to take control of YOUR OWN life???? .... and tell him (and, as well, his Mother) "Good bye".... and get on with YOUR life???????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): Hi guys I'm the op. Thanks for yr answers. I realise I can't make him be involved.. that's not what i'm trying to do, as much as I think it's terrible a man at that age can walk away. I think I'm more shocked and a bit taken a back more than anything! Still have 5 months before he is here but I like to get things organised and think right this is what I'm doing..
Thank u again
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 November 2014):
 Yep you can't make him get involved with your son but you can make him help pay for your son's needs. And like Ciar said it's early yet and you have lots of time to get your ducks in a row before your son is born. I wouldn't make any plans (other than child support) that include the Daddy because I have a feeling he will be long gone once the baby comes. And quite honestly I think your son will be better off without a screwy father figure and his even screwier grandmother.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 November 2014):
 STOP wasting ANY more time on him. It's that simple.
FOCUS on your baby and your health. Once the baby is born file for child maintenance and be thankful he wants nothing to do with you or the baby. THAT way you don't have to watch your child being raised in the environment that raised him.
I don't know how Child Maintenance works in the UK, but in the US you fill out paperwork after birth. And Child Support Services does the contacting and DNA testing (though the FATHER has to pay for the test if he denies paternity and is FOUND to BE the dad). YOU don't have to do a thing. It might be different in the UK. So I would contact Child Maintenance and ask them directly.
And maybe consider some counseling because you could need some extra help and support.
Keeping him in your life is not going to make him a Daddy.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (25 November 2014):
At 17 weeks, it's a bit early to be doing anything really, especially that which causes you so much stress and yields no rewards.
You can't force him to be involved in his child's life and maybe it's best for you and your child that he isn't, but if you're struggling financially you can seek child support payments.
My advice is to stay away from him entirely for the time being. If you decide to sue for child support then have an attorney contact him for you.
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