A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. I have cheated on him once, I kissed another guy at a party when I was 17 which was 4 years ago. Recently I have been talking to another man who is a friend of a friend. Just talking as friends, mainly about our mutual friend as she is marrying soon. I was at a party with him recently and ended up talking to him. He tried to kiss me but I rejected. He went on to tell me how he thinks he is falling for me and how I should be with him and not my boyfriend who can be violent at times although he doesn't know this. Here's the thing, I was startingTo get feelings for him before he even said this but I tried to tell myself to shut up. He said I should leave my boyfriend for him. I like him as a friend and I just feel that there is something else there but I'm not sure what it is. I have been thinking about him a lot lately and I think I am lusting after him. But I can't stop thinking about him and it's getting worse. I haven't spoken to him since as I'm trying to forget but how do I know if I'm making the right decision? I do love my boyfriend but how do I know if he really is the one? Is it a gamble? I have a 2 year old son with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice. I have decided to forget the other guy and give it a go with my boyfriend. I need to speak to him and tell him that I'm not happy about the abusive behaviour towards me but I do love him and I am willing to put in all the effort to make this work as long as he can do the same. If it doesn't work out at least i know I tried my best for my son and didn't just leave because of this other guy! I think I knew the answer to my question all along but needed some agreement, so thank you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): "I do love my boyfriend but how do I know if he really is the one?"Well, in one respect your boyfriend already "really is the one" as he is the only father your son will ever have, so he is in your life for the duration.Unfortunate that you irresponsibly, carelessly and recklessly allowed yourself to get knocked up before you knew whether or not boyfriend "really is the one" but what's done is done and you must live with the consequences.You are now a mother and your kid's best interests should ALWAYS comes first, no ifs, buts, or exceptions, so you are making the right decision by not throwing yourself at a sleazeball scumbag only looking for an easy lay by using the oldest line in the book. Your son is only two, don't start introducing him to an endless parade of "uncles" traipsing in and out of Mom's bedroom. Your son needs his father to be a constant, stable, active presence in his life far more than you need a new wham, bam, thank you ma'am boyfriend in yours.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2012):
 chi girl is right the new guy is a player and a line thrower and should be avoided like the plagueas for the boyfriend... truthfully if you have to wonder what if... if you have to ask if he's the one... if the word MAYBE come into play then the answer is clear.... he's not the one.you are staying with him at this point probably out of fear and habit... and now that someone else has made you realize that other men will find you attractive you are starting to be brave and test the waters with a toe...well you should just jump in and swim along for a while.do not leave your maybe he's the one boyfriend for the playerconsider leaving your maybe he's the one boyfriend for yourself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Oh yeah, and this new guy doesn't love you. He only said he might be starting to develop feelings for you, which is a meek and vague statement. It is also a classic player-line. It's just words, and usually are followed up by a sleazy action (as the one you described). Unless he actually shows you that he loves you, in an honourable way (making a secret pass at you does not count), you shouldn't get carried away with thoughts of this guy.
But there are other men out there who are worth your time, if you are single.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 October 2012):
What if this, what if that? Listen, you can't live your life for the "what ifs". You need to live for what is right here and now!
So the question isn't "what if he's the one I could be happy with", the question is THIS: "IS he the one I am happy with?".
No "what ifs". What you see is what you get, take things at face value. Does he make you happy? Is he the one? Do you want to be with him, right here and now? You don't know what you'll want 10 years from now, and playing "what ifs" can lead to paranoia. "What if" he'll end up being a cheater who will mess up your life. "What if" he gets another woman pregnant. "What if" the two of you end up happy together. What if this, what if that. "What if" you meet someone amazing in 2 years time, and you didn't leave your current guy now, but instead had another child, and then couldn't have a relationship with mr. perfect because you took the choice to stay with a man who "might" make you happy?
Stop with the silly "what ifs". There's no "what if". There's only here and now. Does he, right here and now, make you happy? Is he, right here and now, the one you want to be with?
And again, for the new guy: do yourself a favour and DON'T get involved with him. He does not sound like someone who cares about you or what's best for you. His actions tell me that he is a very selfish man who doesn't care about breaking up couples, ruining families, or making honest women into cheaters and use them. If he was sincere about you he wouldn't try to cup a feel in secret, he'd wait for you to be single and available. He doesn't care what you want, he only cares for what he wants for himself. And that is a quick, non serious fling and round in the hay with you. Because if he was any bit serious about you he'd NOT try it on with you while you are still in a relationship. He just wants casual sex, I'm telling you. I can smell it all the way from USA to Norway. Players have the same scent, no matter where you go. You've been in a relationship from a very early age now, so you haven't been "around the block" like I have. Maybe that's why you're inclined to believe in this man and his words. But words are meaningless when they are not followed up by actions. And his actions is to ... well, try to cup a feel in secret. Now what does that tell you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know how it sounds but what if he does love me and what if he is the one I'm meant to be with and I'm walking away from that. What if he is the one that I could be happy with and want to spend the rest of my life with. If you love someone you need to tell them right? Maybe that's what he is doing.
I just can't be sure either way
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 October 2012):
"I do love my boyfriend but how do I know if he really is the one?"
I think that if you need to ask this question he isn't the one.
As for this other guy though, he sounds like rotten fruit. A man who wants to "steal" someones girlfriend is a man with no moral and no honesty. He sounds like someone who will end up making you look like a fool, because he doesn't respect the boundaries of a relationship (tried to make you cheat on your boyfriend actually shows that he lacks respect for you, believe it or not). I would stay away from this man. I think that to him, you're nothing more than a conquest, and he will tire of you as soon as he gets you, and then try to get with other girls who are in relationships. This is NOT a man to get involved with.
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