A
male
age
41-50,
*elby
writes:Im dating a girl for over a year. Thinks are pretty good, she's ambitious, has a great job and things were going good. She moved into my apartment and it seems our relationship was pretty good. I'm in my early thirties and shes in mid twenties.No woman is pefect and here is what really stressed me out when we first started dating:- We met in a club and at the time she was a 'club girl' always on the party scene and I found out and she also told be she had flings with a number of so called famous people. Internaational soccer player, NFL footballer, top DJ, another extremley popular athlete and a number of other rich and famous people.Of course this had me really turned off. Number one because I'm looking to settle down with someone and get serious. Im looking for marriage, kids, etc I want what I guess we guys call marriage material. Also its a man thing to feel jealous and also by these past flings also inadequate (not ashamed to say). She boasted but told me as she knew I would find out.Ok I really love her and tried to move on but then I found out about her past before that from one of her ex friends. For the longest while shes been in and out of relationships. I mean she has never been without a man. As soon as she broke up with a boyfiend she was in another relationship and when she wasnt in a relationship whe was having flings with past relationships.Some times I go back to her home town and spend time with her friends and family. Stay in their house. We do special things together. But also found out she has done the same so many times before. Its as if shes doing the same thing over and over just with different guys. Also found out she dated men quite a bit older than her. She is quite an attractive girl but most of these men were quite un atractive and fat. She's know for being always having a diff man around.I'm currently in her home town for a wedding, staying at her house when many other guys have stayed. I feel really bothered that everyone will be looking at me and thinking - here is another one.I dont know why this is bothering me this much. Maybe it's because recently I have finally had time alone to think and I'm taking stock of my life and relationship and thinking this may not be one I'm looking for. I do love her but I hate her past, her attitude towards dating, her tendency to rebound alot.I have to go to a wedding with her in 5 hours sne she's a bride's maid and I feel so stressed out :-(Should I tell her how I feel, should I move on??Why am I feeling like this? What should I do?
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ambition, broke up, her ex, her past, jealous, move on, moved in, player, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Yeah I was with a really great guy who wuz Joe Clubber. I totally loved him and I know he loved me. We got along perfect. When I met his mother and brothers and in-laws, they all treated me like I was the flavor of the week, which I can handle, but it turned my attention to "why" that is. We talked about being married and our true feelings and in doing so, I knew he was sincere, but I felt he had gone this round a million times before. He also had a unique affection for females everywhere; the way they both said, "Good to see you" and "How have you been" while the girls had a look of wondering who I am and what I look like. This sucked. I knew I was special to him, but the indicators of being Just The Next One was more than my maturity and skill level could handle. So one day off of trivial material, like watching him dance with another girl at a club, I sabotaged the whole thing.I still wonder if I did the right thing, but I suppose that will always be there.The fact is, playahs are playahs. Sometimes people will see it through until the Player surrenders to true love. I know I don't have the patience for it, maybe you do.
A
female
reader, amandanash  +, writes (7 August 2010):
I was in the same situation as you with my ex boyfriend. He was the kind of person who had never been without a girl, was always dating, having flings, pursing a girl etc etc. He had dated A LOT of girls. His family treated me nice, wasn't mean or anything, but I could tell that they were all just like "here's another one". It defiantly showed. To them I wasn't me or his girlfriend, i was just another girl. I stayed in the same place his ex's did, he did the same things with me he did with others etc. We eventually broke up because of his past and because of the person he was. He broke up with me because he is very well aware of how he acts. He said he lusts after other girls all the time, and thinks about them all the time even if he has a girlfriend. Being with someone who is like this is unhealthy. They don't have their priorities in the right place and all they are looking for is just pleasure, not necessairly a serious realtionship. Me and my ex have been broken up for about 2 months and a month ago he found a new girl and is with her now. It sucks a lot to see, but true colors show through and i think eventually you need to tell her how you feel about her past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): From hanging around DC for a while I say nip this relationship in the bud otherwise the following will happen.
You will keep thinking about her past loves, her wild ways and all the famous men she has banged. You will play these thoughts over and over in your head until you become unbearably jealous, insecure and feeling like you are just the guy she chose to settle down with.
Next thing you know, you will be married and perhaps more morbid secrets will come out, possibly threesomes and group sex and what have you. Of course these are going to make your feelings worse. You will be back here saying something along the lines of : I hate my wifes past, how do I over come this? Etc etc.
Five years down the line you will have full blown retroactive jealousy. How do I know? I have been there. I did the stupid, STUPID thing of staying with my now husband and I had to work HARD for over two years to get over retroactive jealousy. And its STILL an ongoing process. I never suffered with this before as I always dated men who were equal to me in terms of sexual values (virgins) and then this guy (who has had lots of sex). By the time the feelings kicked in I was already in love, married and was stuck.
Yes you love her,but you are NOT compatible. It may seem like there aren't any marriage type girls out there but let me assure you there are. I was 23 when I got married and I was a virgin.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (7 August 2010):
 What you are feeling is completely natural, biologoically-justified apprehension at a woman whose past gives you no reason to believe she will be faithful in her future.This instinct evolved because cavemen who knowingly or unknowingly allowed themselves to be cuckolded did not pass on their genes, while men who felt a strong aversion to it were more likely to pass on theirs. Past behavior is the strongest predictor of future behavior (it's not 100%, but it's far better than any promises she can make), so your instincts are screaming that she will be unfaithful.So you should feel no shame for how you feel, and if she really cares about you, she will accept that your feelings are a natural consequence of her past - and she will help you get past them, *if* you choose to stay. That said, two things to keep in mind.1) Instinct alone should not guide your actions. You should make the decision using your conscious mind.2) She will probably react defensively to your feelings, rather than trying to support you through them. Even if she tries to support you, she may not keep it up for long.You must determine whether or not she will cheat on you, turn into a fat nagging harridan, or divorce you and take the kids, house, and money.IF she is really planning on being faithful to you, and IF you think she won't change her plans later, you should consider whether she is doing so because she really loves you more than all those other guys, or because her biological clock is ticking. This is something you really have to be present to decide on; I doubt anyone could diagnose that one over the internet.In your shoes, I would never consider it worth the risk. Tolerance for your future wife's sexual past should have a limit, if for no other reason than your own peace of mind. It's not your responsibility to provide her with the white picket fence dream - it's your responsibility to provide it for yourself, and to find someone worth providing it to.However, every man is different. If you can rationally assess that she will be a good wife and mother, that she will be understanding and helpful of your retroactive jealousy, that she loves you for you and not for the convenience of the relationship, and that none of these qualities will change, THEN it just comes down to whether or not her good qulalities will be worth occasional (or frequent) pangs of jealousy in the future.Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, BrokeAndHurting19 +, writes (7 August 2010):
hey buddy. first off this is just my opinion, but I don't think you can make a "club girl" marriage material. it sounds like all she wants to do is just add different guys to her list and then move on to the next one. Just ask yourself if all this suffering is really worth it. I was in a relationship for about a year with a girl who was in the club scene and I too was suffering about her past. I loved her with all my heart. I dumped her though because every day all i could think about was her past and it wasn't healthy. I couldn't enjoy the relationship because the pain of the past. But since this relationship I have come to realize the past doesn't matter too much. If we all judged by what we did in the past then a lot of successful relationships wouldn't be out there I'm sure. I'm sorry this is all in one big paragraph as I don't know how to separate it out. I wish you good luck my friend and hope you find a happy relationship, if not with her, then with someone who you wont be stressed about. Have fun in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): hi,
First of all, if you hate something about your girlfriend, let her know. If you dont, your feelings will just get stronger which will do more harm than good. Also, you will not give her a chance to improve. If you want to marry and settle down, make this clear to her. If she is not looking for that she might just tell you right away. I have been in and out and in and again out of a relationship with a commitment-scared guy. The worst thing I have seen so far is we never communicated our feelings at the right time. That only made us resent each other more. So talk it out. If still she does not change then I guess you should move on.
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