A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Iam 18 years old. Lost my virginity at age 12. Had 2 kids before I was 17. I have had sex with over 30 guys and 10 girls. I crave for sex to those I'm attracted to even though I don't enjoy sex. It. Effects my 3 year relationship. I have cheated on him over ten times all different people.I Would break up with my man just to get attention from other guys. My bf and I are open to three sums but even so its not doing it for me. I don't know what it is. I can't stop. My bf has been very controlling and insecure since we moved in with each other 6 months ago.so since I've been cooped in the house I have cheated or even came close . I kicked my bf out AA few times and each so I would start talking and flirting with ppl on the internet and. when I got bored I'd let him come home. Iam in an unhealthy relationship because I've driven my love crazy with the way iam. He stays with me through everythin but wen I tell him I cheated he will eventually do something stupid that makes me wan to cheat even Moore.my bf doesn't know about my problem and its defintaly not a problem I'm comfortable talking to him about. Even if we wernt together I know I would still be continuing these habits. I don't like this person I have been since I lost my virginity. A lot of ppl I slept with were on the first day. Its become soo bad where I'm actualy the one cutting all connection after the sex. Sex only feels good with my lover but I can't stop doing it with others. My bf drives me nuts and I use him as an excuse to sex I always say maybe one night ill find a perfect pprince. I don't prostitue and I don't do drugs and I don't even drink. If I have one night with no man or no kids I know what I will do. I don't want to do this anymore my actions feel uncontrollable. Its affecting my relationship but most impoortantly my life, my self esteem and my confidence. Is this a disease? Can I make it stoop? Why am I like this? Is it normal?am I alone? Is there anyone who caan help me? Will this changge as I mature? What is it? I'm disgusted in myself. :'( please I'm crying out for help. Does any one have advice that can help me change m life and accept and forget my past?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat response seriously brought tears to my eyes. Everything said was true.I've been raped molested abused and defintaly neglected by my parents. Now I find myself in relatioonship with someone who is also abusive and destroying my life. My relationship is another thing I need help with leaving. I'm definyaly going to get help because this is destroying me. I feel taken over and I want me back. Getting the freedom to get help is gooing to be a huge obstacle since my bf doesn't even let me walk downstairs to do laundry without him this seriously feels like mission impossible.thank you so much for the advice and mootivationth
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): I've broken down my answers into briefs after your questions. First off, you are not alone. Secondly, there is help, and things can change. Work on it now, before you get any older."Lost my virginity at age 12."You were sexually abused and "sexualized" early. It creates problems, serious deep rooted problems in maintaining and entering into relationships."Had 2 kids before I was 17."Again, a symptom of the problem."I have had sex with over 30 guys and 10 girls. I crave for sex to those I'm attracted to even though I don't enjoy sex."This is the usual pattern after this happens, most people never tell anyone, most people never get help, they are ashamed of it and think they are "the only one" who does this. This is A NORMAL RESPONSE TO AN ABNORMAL YET COMMON SITUATION."I have cheated on him over ten times all different people."Again, a symptom of the abuse/neglect/exploitation that has taken place."I can't stop."Yes, you can, but only with help and by understanding the problem."My bf has been very controlling and insecure since we moved in with each other 6 months ago."This is because you are sort of "programmed" now to seek an enter into relationships with this sort of person. However, he is rightly insecure. You might like to enter into a relationship with a "non-controlling" and "secure" partner, in a fantasy, but it wouldn't work and would make you terribly insecure and you would leave him for someone else eventually because you wouldn't believe that he loved you."Iam in an unhealthy relationship because I've driven my love crazy with the way iam."No, you are in an unhealthy relationship BECAUSE YOU WERE SEXUALLY ABUSED AND EXPLOITED AND PROBABLY NEGLECTED AS A CHILD."my bf doesn't know about my problem and its defintaly not a problem I'm comfortable talking to him about."Your bf can't understand your problem. You haven't learned much about it yet. You don't need to talk to him yet, you need a professional counselor. Don't give up if the first one doesn't work, you also have to open up to the counselor and sometimes it takes 2 or 3 before you find one you can talk to."I don't like this person I have been since I lost my virginity."Because you were abused and exploited. This again is classical in abuse and neglect."A lot of ppl I slept with were on the first day."Again, a common thing. People either have way to much sex, or stop having it altogether."Its become soo bad where I'm actualy the one cutting all connection after the sex."Again, a common thing after abuse/exploitation."Sex only feels good with my lover but I can't stop doing it with others."Again, it reaffirms that you are "worth" something. You feel it gives you some "power" and "worth". But, when you are not having sex, you feel less valued in the general sense."I don't want to do this anymore my actions feel uncontrollable."They are until you understand them, but they are not uncontrollable. You are REACTING, not acting, and you are reacting to stimuli that you don't understand."Its affecting my relationship but most impoortantly my life, my self esteem and my confidence."It is destroying you."Is this a disease? Can I make it stoop? Why am I like this? Is it normal?am I alone?"It is not a disease, it is classical response to abuse and neglect. You can make it stop. You are not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This is horrifically common."Is there anyone who caan help me?"Only a good professional counselor, friends and lovers cannot do this, family cannot do this, you will have to find someone you can "tell everything" to. Really, you have to find someone you can tell the whole story to."Will this changge as I mature?"No, it will get worse unless you get help, it can lead to your death."What is it? I'm disgusted in myself."You have been sexually abused, probably neglected in your family of origin, and much, much, much more. You have been raped and don't accept it as such, probably more than once.Good luck.Take this, print it out, and take it to your counselor. Get help.BTW, I am married to a survivor of this type of history. She never told me till we had been married for many years. She was so ashamed of what had been done to her that she couldn't talk to anyone, not even me.Don't let that happen to you.
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