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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about four months. We spend most of our time together. I don't usually feel jealous or insecure about myself. I know I'm pretty and smart etc. So when I do feel insecure I tend to think it's probably something moreso to do with who I'm dating. Our relationship is great usually but some things get to me and I try to mention it without making a big deal just to see if he would consider my view point some. Like, just a few petty examples, his baby mom is in prison right now, their kid is staying with her parents and he gets a long with them really well, drinks with them, stays with them when he works that direction etc. They take the son to see her twice a month and he's been mentioning taking the son there once a month in addition. I didn't make a big deal about it but told him I thought it should be on her family to do so. We were having sex one time and he told me I was the best he's ever had, joking I said you probably tell everyone that and he was like haha yea I have. When we sit down at his TV to surf the hard drive for a movie it's got porn all mixed up in it and I tried to keep up with his sex drive but he's always ready to go. I mentioned one time that I wasn't sure I could keep up and he just said he'll Jack off to some porn rather then cheat and that's really nice of him, it just wasn't really romantic to hear about I guess. I guess I just rather porn be a couples thing and he save all his orgasms for me. I have a good sex drive, I just don't always want to do it two times a day or after working overtime etc. I'm a little more available now but we've been arguing a lot lately so I've pretty much gave him the space he needs in case he'd rather jack off. I guess I was just brought up not to talk about rubbing one out like that. I have considered us somewhat incompatible but he seems to really love me and want to make it work and I think that's what it takes to have a long term relationship but even just mentioning that I have mixed feelings about certain things gets me called things like crazy, jealous, insecure etc. As for example, I think it's flirting to causally touch other women during conversations, especially conversations that involved intense compliments and me standing three feet away. I can't tell if I'm dating a really odd social butterfly or a man whore. He tells me I'm easily angered and insecure if I cringe a little from being told he's slept with sixty women and an escort or two. Ok aunt's and uncles. Should I be able to talk to these things with him and how would you go about it, and is this a sign that I subconsciously don't like myself or an infringement on my values? Should I just let it slide and work on my view point on such stuff without attacking his I suppose, but he is rather easily made jealous himself. Any and all opinions welcome
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2017): You can deny it all you want. He can deny it all he wants. He can turn the tables on you to divert the blame. But what you cannot deny is the fact he IS a man whore.
It's up to you how long you can put up with it before driving yourself crazy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2017): I am the OP. I do want to point out that he has a good side too. He's taken me to see his exes parents and they all know about me. His son ended up with Grandma when his mom got locked up but we have him often etc. She's got five years to go. I sometimes wonder if he's intentionally making me feel insecure. He's smart with everything else in his life like career cooking has a good relationship with his mom etc. I find it odd that someone his age doesn't have basic relationship skills so it makes me wonder if it's not intentional. He's 41. Especially considering how he responds with the shoe on the other foot. I know, spiteful right? Google suggested I try it to resolve my issue. He was telling me about his encounter with the escort so I told him about pegging my last boyfriend, he really didn't like that. He introduced me to his friend who's met their spouse on Backpage and flirted with her in front of me, so I met up with my old friends who party a lot and he got upset that I was around other guys at her house even though I've known the guys since grade school. My job requires me to look good and he gets jealous that I wear more makeup and do my hair up moreso for work then for him. It's little things I can just tell he's got a jealous streak if even just at healthy levels I don't get why he writes how I feel off when he's moreso. Him and the kids mom have been split up for seven years. He wants to be engaged an to live together etc so I know he wants to make us work. I just can't tell if he's really as stupid as he seems or if he's messed up enough to be trying to get a reaction out of me. Common sense says most people will masterbate during a relationship if need be but common sense also says to not throw it in the girlfriend's face when the sex is going good. And flirting with the escort friend he talked so low about and me confronting him for it got me called jealous. Jealous of what? I look better, I've had far less men in me, and I conduct myself around people's boyfriend's, I have a real career and education, I'm a better mom considering she's always in court for hers etc. Jealous of what? Insecure about what! Insecure about what he'd do alone with someone that easy maybe but I don't doubt myself and my worth. And I get told he feels like he's walking on egg shells because so much of what he says gets to me. We have our good times too though. We go through periods of no stupid comments where we cook together, good off and have fun, we go to his parents to grill out and just all around get along. He drowns me with affection and compliments and even paid my phone bill this morning. It's confusing why someone who wants it to work so bad would say and do such stupid stuff at his age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2017): There is every chance that you are just a stopgap until his wife gets out of jail and as such you need to ask yourself if you should stay involved with your manwhore much longer.
He is hardly a social butterfly.
At best he could try to make a happy family for his little lad and his wife!
Perhaps you will swear this could never be the case but I think he is still keeping the bed warm!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 June 2017):
 "Jack off to some porn rather then cheat and that's really nice of him"
That's really nice of him?
You have very low standards when it comes to men, in my opinion. That isn't "very nice of him", it's a douchebag thing to say. As if he's doing YOU some favour by being with you even if he has to jack of to stop him from cheating? Sort of implies that he thinks you should be thankful that he's in a relationship with you and not cheating. Really? Sort of implies that this relationship is all about sex to him.
Also with the having said "you're the best in bed" to everyone he's slept with. It's not a contest... Why would you need to say such a thing? It's not like it's a compliment either, it only puts emphasis on him having slept around a lot and wanting to brag about it.
Look, he got a kid with a criminal who is in prison, I think that's a big red flag there, never mind all these comments and you feeling unsure about him.
I think you should raise your standards five notches or more when it comes to picking a date. This guy doesn't have much class. This guy doesn't even take care of his son! He stays with his son's grandparents to DRINK with them? Why isn't his son staying with HIM, as he should be? Isn't he the so called father? Seeing his son now and then doesn't make much of a relationship.
Are these sort of people really the ones you want to keep around?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 June 2017):
 I think you answered your own question right at the beginning when you said "when I do feel insecure I tend to think it's probably something moreso to do with who I'm dating".
I always see red flags if someone dismisses how someone else feels by accusing them of negative feelings, e.g him accusing you of being insecure when you have cringed because he has just told you he has slept with 60 women and escorts. Are you supposed to smile and say "That's lovely, darling. Well done."? Something like that would be cringeworthy in most women's views.
He is who he is and nothing you say will change him. You are already having reservations about his behaviour and his "honesty" as YOU are not comfortable. You should never have to compromise who YOU are or force yourself to accept stuff in a relationship which just does not sit right with you, just to make the other person happy. Also you should trust your own gut feelings on this guy and not stay with him just because HE wants your relationship to continue.
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