A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:For a bit of backstory, I come from a large Italian family. My mum had over 300 guests at her wedding, and she had no desire to repeat the same experience for my wedding. So when I got engaged, she was quite understanding in my fiancé and I's desire to have a smaller wedding (though we still ended up having almost 100 guests, 70% of which were my side. My now husband is Australian/English, so he was overwhelmed by this whole business of huge Italian wedding, understandably). During the wedding planning, there was some angst over the guest list. First of all, my Nonna is quite traditional. There is the whole tit-for-tat, where if you were invited to someones wedding, you must invited them to yours, even if you haven't seen this person in over 20 years. So my Nonna, my mum, my fiancé and I sat down to discuss who to invite to our wedding. Our initial guest list was nearly 200, but with some discussion with my Nonna, we did cut it down. God, it sounds awful typing it out. But as my parents were helping out with the costs of the wedding, I felt obliged to invite some of these people, even though I hadn't seen them in years, and my husband hadn't even met them. But I just wanted to keep the peace. So my Nonna really wanted to have my aunt's brother at the wedding. This is my mum's sister-in-law. But my Aunt explicitly stated in no uncertain terms she did not want them there, and we didn't need to invite him. Fair enough. But my Nonna couldn't let this rest, and thought we were "betraying" our in-laws by not inviting him. My mum couldn't understand my aunts reluctance either. I spoke to my Aunt, and she was quite upset about the whole thing, because my mum had been apparently talking behind her back about the whole thing, and said to me "she wants nothing to do with the guest list, that's between your mother and you." Well, alrighty then. We won't invite him. I thought that was the end of the story. Fast forward to a few weeks before the wedding. My aunt was still acting quite cool towards my mum and I. Normally she is quite friendly and engaging, but she was being quite the opposite, vague and distant. At my bridal shower, I had asked my two teenage cousins if they would like to be ushers at my wedding, but thought I had best get my aunts permission as well. This is were things get even weirder. I sent her a text asking if it would be ok, and she doesn't respond. (this is where I kick myself for not asking her in person, but again, I was busy with full time work, plus wedding planning, so yeah, I was lazy). I send her an other text, and she still doesn't get back to me. The wedding is a week away now. This is where I fuck up. I assume that because of all the weirdness with the her brother, she doesn't want her daughters involved in the wedding. So I have the ceremony booklets printed without their names in it. Stupid, stupid me. So she gets back to me a few days later, to say she doesn't really mind if her daughters are in the wedding or not, and I had asked them in person, so why do I need to ask her as well? Well, stupid me, for thinking I would need permission to have her teenage daughters. As the wedding is now 3 days away, I didn't really have time to reprint the booklets. But the cousins wanted to be ushers, so I didn't think anything more of it. And forgot to tell them about the booklet. Big mistake. So the wedding day arrives. Amongst all the stress of the wedding planning and all the guest list dramas, it was a lovely day. My cousins were ushers, we got married, we danced, we drank, we ate lots of food in typical Italian style, all was well. Except my aunt and uncle were acting quite weird. They barely looked at me or my husband, they barely smiled during the family photos, my cousins were too busy taking selfies and texting during the speeches and they sat down the whole night talking to themselves. I admit I noticed their behaviour, but couldn't be bothered dealing with it on my wedding day. So, I send them a text a few days after the wedding, saying thanks for coming, I noticed you and my uncle seemed a bit distant at the wedding, hope everything is ok. The text I received back was a shock to the system. To summarise, my aunt and uncle were "hurt and disappointed" by my actions, and if I ever wanted to make amends, I would call them immediately to apologise. Talk about a groin punch. So I called them. My uncle got on the phone, and started going on and on about how he was disappointed in my failure to invite certain relatives, and how ""its not how things are done". He also stated he was doing "damage control" over the whole guest list saga, because we didn't invite so-and-so relative. EVEN THOUGH THIS WEDDING HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, REALLY. Then my aunt got on the phone and had a go at me over the booklets, and how hurt my cousins are. When I explained to her how I had sought her permission and she didn't get back to me, she dimissed this, saying "why would you think I wouldn't want them in our wedding." BECAUSE YOU WERE ACTING ALL WEIRD AND COOL TOWARDS ME, THAT'S WHY. And besides, your daughters seemed to have a great time on the night, dancing away and talking a gazillion selfies. But they were in no place to hear counterarguments, because all they wanted to do was rip my wedding to shreds to say they were hurt and disappointed. So turns out my so-called sweet Nonna, with all our deliberating about who to invite, all our discussions about the guest list, went behind my back, and told some story to my uncle about how we didn't invite these people, and how hurt she was. When I explained to my Uncle we had actually talked to my grandmother about who were invited, all he could say was "That's not what I heard." He was being quite arrogant, actually, and wouldn't listen to a word I had to say. I admit to being in tears by this point. I apologised to them profusely, because I'm a people pleaser, and I just wanted this whole thing behind us. So did my Uncle apparently. I said my apologises, and even though it killed me to say this, I said I was sorry for not inviting these people. He accepted my apology, and seemed sincere in his desire to move on (now that he's had his say and shat all over my wedding. Nice). Meanwhile my parents hit the roof when they heard my uncles rant. They were in the opinion as they helped pay for their daughters wedding, they are the ones who decide the guest list. But instead of confronting my aunt and uncle, they go directly to my Nonna. She admits to being a rat, and complaining behind their backs about how we didn't invite some distant relative (who, by the way, isn't even related by blood!). So she gets my uncle to do her dirty work, but he waits til AFTER the wedding to have a go at us. My dad in particular is mad, and gives her a serve. But they don't actually go to my aunt and uncle to talk about this whole thing. And in the same hand, my aunt and uncle don't actually talk to my parents. All this family shitstorm is conducted via me. How lucky am I. Back to the present time, I'm still mad about it all. I haven't actually seen them in person since this all happened (because I am currently overseas). I can't look back on my wedding day without feeling anger (because of the guest list saga), shame (because of my mistake about the booklets) and guilt (because I hurt my cousins inadvertently). I am trying to move on from it all, but to have these people act like this over my wedding day, especially my family. And it seems I'm not the only one not moving on. My cousin just a few days ago posted a picture from our wedding with the caption "stabbed in the back" with a little knife emoticon and all. How cute. Her sister comments on this saying "omggg hahaha this comment is everything." Right. So it seems even though I had apologised to your parents, now my cousins were getting on the "betrayal" bandwagon. So I stupidly send my cousin a text saying I'm sorry if she felt stabbed in the back, it wasn't intentional, and I am truly sorry. Not surprisingly, she doesn't respond. Anyways, here I am. My wedding was almost 2 months ago now. And I'm still mad. How dare he tell me who I should invite to our own fucking wedding?? Husband has been great, he was understandably upset as well by this whole shitstorm. My parents have also been great, but they haven't really spoken to my aunt and uncle since this whole thing happened. My dad in particular refuses to talk to them. Yay for healthy family relationships. So I'm looking for advice. How do I move on? How can I look back on my wedding day without feeling so negatively about it? How can I let go of the anger I feel towards my aunt and uncle (and now my cousins)? How can I let him act like such an arrogant dick about the guest list of MY FUCKING WEDDING? At this stage, I never want to see them again, because I don't know how to act towards them. I'm still overseas at the moment, so I'm without my regular social supports (my husband is a great listener, but he has his limits), which is probably contributing to my feelings of angry and shame.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2017): I think you have the patience of a saint I would have told them all to do one! Throwing a strop over names on booklets?! Please! Ridiculous. Agree with other poster I wouldn't even bother with them anymore, if they want to approach you and appologise/be nice then that's up to you. I see no reason why them being in a stupid mood is your problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2017): Just to reassure you, no family is perfect and whether it's a big family or a small family most have stupid issues and feuds and that's life. Then throw in a big event where family need to come together, it's just asking for stupid feuds to come to the surface. No matter how hard you try to please everyone, there will always be someone with an issue.
I know what I'd go and do. I would book a beach ceremony overseas with my husband and have a second mini wedding to ourselves. It doesn't have to be expensive, lots of all inclusive travel companies can arrange a wedding for literally a few hundred pounds on top of the holiday fee. I'd get some brilliant photos, have a brilliant day with my husband and put the mental, day of drama behind you! You could fly out to any European destination and most all inclusive hotels have a good packages, as technically you'd be renewing your vows so a proper wedding wouldn't be required!
With your family, your parents can face your aunt and uncle themselves if they have more to say. You need to be confident and refuse to be the mediator or go-between for the issues because you're focusing on your new married life.
Ultimately as long as you and your parents are all good, then anyone else can think and do what they like. If I were you, I'd stop trying with the aunt and uncle and cousins. You've apologised and can do nothing more, they are behaving with a lack of respect.
Focus on your life and your own happiness, you're never going to please everyone and you cant be solely responsible for trying to appease everyone in this situation. Your nan shouldn't have complained behind your back as it's none of your uncles business about who you're inviting to the wedding. Your aunt and uncle seem to have a chip on their shoulder about that and over the booklets... Well there are bigger problems going on in the world and they acted immaturely. Stop beating yourself up over the situation, and look forward to life with your husband and maintain good relations with your parents xx
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