A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I know this is going to upset a few people and I am sorry but I really need some advice.So 4 months ago I was transferred from my office in Melbourne Australia to New York. I didn't really have a choice my work moved my role here so if I didnt take it I would have lost my job.. Anyway this is my problem I am having a really hard time adjustting to Americans. I find them to be in constant need of vindication and want to constantly talk about their feelings. Also with the small group of friends I have made the women seem to be a bit strange! I am being hounded about "respek" I assume it means respect and they over anlayse everything I say and want to talk about feelings again!At home women would just tell you how it was, I had a great group of friends at home and my co workers were not in constant need of reassurance.Is it a culture thing I am missing? I would like to try and understand this and make new friends but at this stage I think this is one Aussie who is going home :( any suggestions??
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 lsunshine, vegemite rocks. It's delicious on a cream cracker with butter underneath. Yummy! Salty and savoury.
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female
reader, 1sunshine  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 NYC :D "If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere" Song by Frank Sanatra. It's the truth! This coming from a chick that lives 1.5 hours away, born and raised. New York is the melting pot. People come from all over the world to change their lives for the better.
Yeah, it's rough. You have your fast paced city life, rude people, sucky traffic and that terrible accent! As someone had stated... Sex in the City is a prime example of that! I love that show too.
There are 49 more states to explore, all very diferent from one another. I suggest that you take a tour out to the west coast and experience what the USA is all about and let us know how you ** "FEEL"** then. ;)
ps. I heard that vegemite stuff is really terrible... lol!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Ahh Cindy! The whole "I feel like you're not listening" thing versus "You're not listening to me" makes sense. We're all taught to use *I* statements in conflict and confrontation to minimize, and to specifically use the words "I feel like" versus absolutes like "you never listen".
Sometimes we can go overboard with Political Correctness and not wanting to offend someone. I've thought that at least here in America, I wonder if we nourish hypersensitivity, thus needing the whole "I feel like" verbal acrobatics in every conflict.
On the other hand, I can't say that it's a really bad thing, especially if it's to resolve a conflict between a married couple or among friends.
Huh...never thought of that before, to be honest...that the whole "I feel like" conflict training we all get is a cultural thing. Interesting.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Relax, and give it time. New York's and New Yorkers' bark is way much worse than their bite :).
I had a sort of culture shock too , doing the transition from Italy to California to New York. In fact, the second part ( California- New York ) was unexpectedly much harder than the first. Because New York is a weird place , and can be very intimidating and confusing , as its inhabitants. But then, be open ,curious and non-judgemental, and let New York work its spell on you , and pretty soon you'll be hooked. How can anybody NOT fall in love with New York?:)
As for Americans in general , yes, at first I noticed too, very amused, that they start every other sentence with " I feel that.. " and I was like, who cares what do you feel, I just asked you can you move your chair to the side.
And their obsession with politically correct drove me nuts, once I was reprimanded by a friend because I had said " I had been working like a slave ". She told me that " she felt " it was an inappropriate expression because it might hurt the sensitivities of Afro Americans by bringing up old stereotypes and triviliazing the suffering and the ordeals of their ancestors etc.etc. I was like: WTF ? The ancient Romans had slaves, WHITE slaves . It's not all about you , guys.
But, you know what - these are GOOD traits. In time I came to see it that way, at least. In Europe we are all such cool, cynical smartalecs, we would sell our soul for a good joke, we are all glib and smooth and " cool ", it does not matter what people feel inside as long as they don't bother us and don't spoil our mood and say the right thing , displaying the socially appropriate amount of emotion and no more, and wearing the right clothes. We are so COLD in our hearts, regardless of abundant ,excited hand gestures in some countries like France and Italy.
We are so jaded, so dispassionate, so out of touch with ourselves.
Americans are a very passionate, very emotional people,matters of the heart do matter , feelings matter. What I feel, what you feel, ... it's important. They want to find it out, and they want to share it , and they want to affirm it. They want to be REAL.
Of course mine are wide ,superficial and probably stupid generalizations if we think that in the States there are 300 million people and each one comes from a different place with different traditions culture religions and values, so talking about USA everything is true, and the contrary of everything too. You might have ended up with a bunch of psychoes or irredimable bitches,who will make your life there miserable, it's not excluded . But- it's not a given either . Trust, relax, let NY slowly seduce you and... enjoy your unique adventure.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 April 2012):
 New York City is its own entity. I think anyone moving there would feel culture shock.
If I were you, I'd start asking them WHY they ask the questions they do of you. Perhaps they've never examined their own approach to life; you, as an expat, are forced to do so everyday. Play the expat card, "Hey, I'm an Aussie, and down-under, we just say what we are thinking. We don't spend a great deal of time analyzing feelings. Why do you think you do that?" Start questioning the fundamental assumptions behind their questions, basically. When they ask you a question, ask them to explain the background of their own approach or reasoning. Keep that up, and they might realize that they are coming on a bit strong for you.
Or use a bit of pop psychology words: "oversharing." As in, "While I'm intrigued by your question, I feel we are reaching my limit in personal interactions. I'm afraid we are oversharing personal data."
Deflect their questions with questions of your own and eventually they will lose interest in your personal details.
I lived in the UK and as an American there, I found the people very reserved. They didn't share personal information at all, and I found it very hard to get to know them.
Someone told me to think of it this way: Brits are like coconuts and Americans are like peaches. Coconuts have a very hard exterior but once you crack the shell, you are in and it's easy to get to know them. Peaches have a very soft exterior which is easy to pierce, but then you hit the hard core, which is the part of themselves that Americans do not share with others. It's a bit simplistic but helped me understand that I wouldn't be swept into their homes and learn everything about them right away, and that I shouldn't be too open or overly share my personal details, as it tended to make them uncomfortable.
Maybe you just need an image like that to help you navigate the new social mores you are encountering.
That being said, New York is one of the most international cities in the US; you should surely be able to find your expat group. At the very least, you'll get helpful pointers from your countrymen.
Hope that helps! And for the record, there are many many people who would love to be in your shoes. Have a thought for how you can extract the most benefit from the situation in which you find yourself. Maybe you can write the 'how-to' book on surviving New York's social scene for your countrymen. Take notes and keep track of all the funny situations you observe. A sense of humor can go a long way there, I think.
Good luck!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2012):
 I had a HUGE culture shock going from Europe to first WA and now Louisiana. Americans are so open with something and then so "let's bury our heads" about others.
I would suggest you find some other people who are either Aussies, Kiwis or simply Europeans. You might find it easier to adjust to them and then slowly adjust to the Americans.
I'm still adjusting 14 years later - and we will be moving North next year so I'm sure it will be quite a change.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I m from Eastern Europe, 23 years ago I moved to New York when I was a teen.So I came into cultural shock being a young fragile girl. You are talking about women. Let me tell u about guys!!Splitting a bill at the restaurant?! Trying to get you in bed the first night?!I was giving my phone number often to guys at that time, as I was looking for a mate. They never call!!First date with a bunch of other people, they called it,do u want to hang out, thing.I thought I would never find someone to have a family with. And guess who I married? A man from my own country. I still don't know if I could live with an American after all these years in US, though I think it's the best country in a world, and I ve been to 35 countries.Of course we all go through cultural shock, some never get over it, but with time you get use to it, start even liking it. Good luck
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reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (18 April 2012):
 I am from Melbourne also, and was in New York last year. I had an amazing time, loved the city and its natives. Yes, they are different, but I find South Australians different too. It does generally take awhile to adjust to people that you don't know, and Americans are so very open. Seek out other Australians, there are heaps there; if you need a little familiarity. But don't give up on your job yet, give it some more time. I'm envious.xx
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reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2012):
Funny, I had a bit of a culture shock when I went to New York, and I live in Minnesota. American culture varies widely state to state, and region to region. I remember a few trips to Dallas and being happily surprised by the geniality of strangers to others, as people in my state are very courteous, but seldom social to people they don't know.
I'd be interested to hear a more specific account of what you're referring to, because I think I'd have a similar reaction to you at what you're talking about, and I live in America!
I have a friend of mine who came from Melbourne and moved to Colorado to marry her LDR fiance 12 years ago. She mentioned a bit of culture shock as well, and her frankness is really refreshing to me. I hope you don't gain a negative view of all Americans based on your initial reaction to different culture!
I've gotta say...my friends aren't evil or hateful. It bothers me that that would be talked about in a discussion about American culture. "Evil and hateful" knows no culture. I know moms who would give their lives for their kids and loved ones without thought, and women who are selfless and honorable and classy. Those good qualities aren't restricted by culture either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I was born in America and I have a really hard time adjusting to Americans, I work with some of the most evil and hateful women I've ever seen in my entire life.
You're in New York so you will be just fine and will adjust very easy, you have made a changed so hang in there you will learn very quick, if I had to follow my job to Australia I would be feeling the same way you're feeling right now, there're people in New York from some of everywhere . Once you're here for a little while you will be glade you stayed.
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reader, Wisdom +, writes (18 April 2012):
 ahhh fellow Aussie, its a bit hard to start with, when I lived there I found it to be a huge culture shock. Having said that I stuck it out and made some of the best friends.
You will find at home we take the piss out of each other and speak before we think. Our humour is different.
Trust me you will adjust soon and you will love it. I loved NYC and I found that each state had its own flavour a bit like here....
Find some Aussies over there (there are lots of us) and get them to help you settle
Good luck and remember its worth it :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Honestly, I think you are homesick. When I moved here from Canada I too found it strange how open Americans are about their personal lives. Why don't you try meetup.com...its a great way to meet expatriates from Auz in new york.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): "Anyway this is my problem I am having a really hard time adjustting to Americans."Clarification: You are having a hard time adjusting to New Yorkers (as representative of a typical American as an indigenous Australian aborigine [PC speak] is of a typical Australian) and so you are experiencing culture shock shared by many Americans transferred to New York from other parts of the United States. As a quickie immersion into NYC culture and attitudes I suggest repeated viewings of "Sex and the City" (for those unfamiliar, a filmed-in-NYC US cable TV series that spawned a successful spin-off feature film, show no longer in production but still popular in reruns), lead characters are four educated successful NYC career women who spend entire episodes doing nothing but talking about their "feelings," likely based on women similar to those in your office. Obviously as an adult romantic comedy, characters and situations are exagerrated and played for laughs, but if nothing else the gauzy romantic faux-reality of TV New York City and TV New Yorkers versus real life counterparts will give you a talking point to break the ice with your female co-workers, most of whom should be intimately familiar with Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. Just make a refernce to SITC characters or storylines and then ask your colleagues for a reality check. "Is it a culture thing I am missing? I would like to try and understand this and make new friends but at this stage I think this is one Aussie who is going home"Sentiment shared with great number of Americans involuntarily relocated to in New York for business or professional reasons.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (18 April 2012):
It's always hard to move away and start afresh somewhere and when you throw in a new country and culture to that mix it's almost impossible. You are doing so well to ahve done what you have done and I take my hat off to you. I'm sure that once you get to know more people and you are feeling more secure and comfortable in your new surroundings you won't feel like people are so strange. I would suggest joining some special interest groups to meet other people away from work that like the things you do. e.g a cooking class or a book club, pottery class etc.
All the best. Hang in there it will get easier.
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