A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months. I really feel like I am falling in love with him. He is physically very affectionate which I love; always holding my hand, hugging me, etc. He is laid-back, very gentle and yet very passionate and giving during love-making. He always make sure everyone is content and happy when we are out with friends. He pays for lots of things for me. His Mum said he has kept every text I ever sent him. We see each other as often as possible and he is making plans for us next year. He has introduced me to all his family (included extended) and was signing our names in cards as a couple (which surprised and delighted me!) There are so many good things about the relationship but he is so quiet and I don’t know how to get him to open up to me. I don’t want to make excuses for him, but a possible reason for this could be that his ex girlfriend hid something very important from him for nearly 3 years and I get the impression he doesn’t want to get too close because he fears it happening again. I don’t know whether he will open up to me in time and I just have to be patient, or whether this is who he is and I have to adapt to it or consider leaving him which I don’t want to do.I think he is trying his best, and this may be partly due to my high expectations and low self-esteem but I feel like the relationship is a bit shallow ie. mainly based on being physical (he gets frisky with me almost as soon as he gets in the door, although we haven’t had intercourse) and not enough on getting to know each other. I also get the sense he is getting a bit settled in the relationship and not continuing to make the effort to get to know me. I constantly ask him questions about himself but he gives me little back. He doesn’t ask me many questions and I think he has complimented me once. I am beginning to wonder if he sees me as a booty call but that could be my lack of self-esteem. I wonder if he has very low self-esteem too.I gather he is really into me, but he hardly talks to me and seems quite serious. I want him to relax and open up. Help. What is going on here? Do I need to take a ‘chill pill’? How do I address this?
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booty call, ex girlfriend, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): No you don't need to take a chill pill. Well you sure are coming up with a lot of excuses so let's clear them up. No matter what his ex did to him you are not her. He knows this. So you could convince yourself that his not opening up has something to do with her, but it DOESN'T AT ALL. All guys have a past. But when they meet the right one, nothing in their past is too big to stop them from being perfect. So that's not the reason. That is an excuse on your part.
On the self esteem issue, you might have a low self esteem but again that is just an excuse to justify your paranoia. So that is also not applicable because your paranoia is very real.
Now the truth is that 3 months is MORE than enough time for a guy to know if they love you or not (most guys know within the first WEEK). And it is more than enough time for a guy to have expressed himself by now.
It sounds to me like his family is very eager for him to settle down. So he may be showing you to his family as a way to appease them to some extent. He just wants to gain approval from them and nothing more. Because if he really loved you or even just really liked you and saw you as a potential girlfriend (family aside) he would definitely have tons of questions to ask you. He would answer your questions in DETAIL. I mean when a guy likes you, they want you to know everything about them. Remember they are trying to impress you. The fact that he doesn't have much to say or ask you is very alarming. And the fact that he is so eager to jump into bed with you the second he sees you, is also alarming. It's just not right.
DO NOT take your introduction into his family as a sign of his feelings for you. Because there is something not right about this. All that stuff is just superficial. You have a gut feeling and I deep down know that you are absolutely right about it. But that is your life and your choice if you choose to follow it or not. I don't see this relationship going anywhere. I do think he sees you as a "booty call."
Madonna wrote a song called "express yourself" I am sure you have heard it. You should listen to the lyrics. It is very applicable to your situation. It might even help you. I know it sounds lame but I am serious.
And just so you know when I was younger I used to date guys just like that because I was naive. And then I always felt used. They never asked questions either and I just justified it. A year ago I had a huge crush on my co worker (he was 35 and I was 25) He asked me out and I was a bit scared that maybe he would try to play me or something because of the age difference. And that is one thing that I was careful to really pay attention to. Whether or not he was asking me questions and really caring about talking to me and getting to know me (because I knew that was a huge sign). But in spite of my fear, I acted fearless and went with it anyway and flirted and just went with it. Yes we had great conversation. And if we hadn't believe me I would have bailed. But we did have great conversation and soon after we fell inlove. It was only about two weeks later that we told each other we loved each other. And he became my bf.
But even though I liked him and was not trying to hide that, I was also very careful to make sure that he too was interested in the "right" way. That is something you should always keep in mind when you are dating. Make sure he asks you lots of questions and make sure that you guys have GREAT conversation. That is how you know that they like you.
A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 He could just be very shy. Some people prefer not to ask a lot of questions in relationships, thinking that they will be seen as prying and nosy - they prefer the other person to just come right out and tell them all the things they want to know.
He sounds as though he cares about you a lot, and judging by the story about his ex, you're probably right in thinking that he's afraid of being hurt. His lack of conversation could come from that - he could be shy, unsure of himself, or else he could just be the kind of person who doesn't talk very much.
Relax and take it easy. See how it goes. Have you ever asked him if he's noticed that he never asks any questions, while you ask a lot of them? Don't accuse him, just ask.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): Well, you have only been dating three months, so its early days as yet.
However, he has introduced you to his family, and behaves toward you with respect, consideration and courtesy, and seems keen on you. He might just be a quiet sort of man.
Have you thought about sitting down with him and just saying you feel he hasn't opened up, and you wonder if he's just shy, or what?
I would recommend you ask this in a "light" "I'm curious" or "just wondering," tentative manner and see what he says. If you can be relaxed about it, non-judgmental and not DEMANDING an answer, you may find he will be more willing to respond. If, however, he is not, and seems uncomfortable, then it would be better to let it drop and see if as time goes on, and he gets to know and trust you, whether he will be willing to share.
You're not in a hurry about this, are you?
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