A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a married man and I got involved with this super nice girl at work. I love her slightly more than my wife but I can't leave my marriage because of my children. I wanted to leave my wife until my children confronted me and I had no choice. When my wife discovered about us, things blew up. I left the job and got a new job. II was forced to go on an overseas trip with my wife and had to leave my girlfriend. My phone was taken away and I had no internet access at all. My only way was to walk very very far to a public phone to call my girlfriend whenever I could. I told my wife that I was going out for a jog early in the morning knowing very well that she just can't wake up that early.My girlfriend got angry with me for going for the overseas trip. When I came back from the trip, she became so distant. I called her one day and she yelled at me, "don't ever call me again!" I was angry so I had decided not to call her again. I thought she might be desperate when she sees me becoming distant so I stopped calling or contacting her. Weeks passed. Months passed. I panicked. I tried to call her but she has changed her phone number! She was only sent me festive greetings via emails every few months. Things like happy birthday to you. Merry Christmas to you. Or happy new year to you.I missed her very much but I did not want her to know that. I want her to chase after me instead of the other way round. I did so much for her and even tried to leave my family for her. She's not appreciative of that. She told me before that she loves me unconditionally and she does not want me to leave my family for her because she said she knows it will hurt me eventually so she does not want to hurt me. She could sense that I was hurt when she left me. So she explained that it was a solution to my problem because I don't have to make a choice if she had left me.I spied on her on social media platforms once awhile when I miss her badly. One day, I found out that SHE GOT MARRIED. It was like dropping into the abyss for me. I broke down and I sent her an email implying that I KNOW SHE'S MARRIED. She said she didn't want to tell me that because she didn't want to hurt me. She said she has thought about telling me but she didn't eventually. It totally dashed my hopes of ever being with her now. I told her that I wanted to stop contacting her and I want her to stop contacting me too.She persisted on by sending me festive greetings every few months. We never met for two years. It was just email of greetings and things like "happy birthday to you, take care". I miss her once in awhile. I think of her sometimes still. Two years later, she got pregnant and she has a 6 month old son. My God! Why is she doing all these? When she sent me photos of her son, I was so furious with her that I told her don't contact me ever again! She said she was keeping her promise to become my friend when she promised me that before leaving me. I didn't take her seriously when she said she has to leave me. I asked her if we could still be best of friends and she said yes, definitely. I WAS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT THAT. I was only saying that because she got distant from me when I came back from the overseas trip. I love her and I wanted her to chase me and love me. I thought if I had told her to become friends, she may panicked and run after me.Recently, she suddenly contacted me at my new job office phone. I was pleasantly shocked. I never expected her call but I was so happy when she called. But she sounded different. When I asked her how her husband was, she got angry and told me not to talk to her about anything related to romance or her private life. She said she knows I am going to start talking badly about her husband. When I told her how much I had to go through for her, my children and wife all up and against me and I had no choice but to resolve the matter with my wife, she got angry at me and said that she does not want to talk about the past at all. She said all she wanted was just to become a friend. She said "friends don't talk these stuff. You wouldn't tell your friends about your mistress and neither will your friends talk to you about theirs. Can we just be normal platonic general friends and don't talk to me about anything regarding romance or our private lives with our spouses."Friends?! What does she mean by that?I am very angry with her for talking to me like this. All I wanted was to be nice to her and try to get her back. I want her back. I tried to make excuses to meet her up like asking her for help to do some things, but she said "and we shouldn't do small favours for each other. Just keep it simple and be normal friends please. I don't want to meet up at all."She wants friendship?! Is she being honest or is she just trying to act like she's all so mighty that I have to chase after her? I am not going to do that. Out of anger, I told her not to contact me ever again. I don't know what to do now.Yes, I still want her back in my arms. I want her to be a willing party and love me the way she did when she was single. What can I do? She has gone so far away from me that she may never come back to me again. She's even got a baby!!! When she called me and I heard her baby's voice, I feel so angry with her!She kept on saying that I am still at the "transition stage" and I haven't gotten out of the romance we once shared. She said she wants me to get out of the transition stage and then we can become friends thereafter. She said she is only able to become friends with me. I told her, "then forget it. Don't contact me again". She knows I still misses her and I still think of her. Why is she doing this to me? What does she really want? What can I do to get her running back to me? I am really angry with her that I feel maybe this time, I should cut her off completely but I am unable to do that because I still want to keep some kind of link for her to contact me. I don't want to cut her off completely.I don't know what is happening and what to do. I am at the end of desperation.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2017): Sir, not to be totally unsympathetic to your feelings; I know the heart wants what it wants. I also know you hurt inside. The pain will subside; but it is also your karma for what you put your wife and family through.
You made vows to the woman who gave you the children you so dearly love. Whoever came thereafter was a temptation that you should have done your best to avoid and overcome. We have to show some self-control and management over our impulses; or the sanctity of marriage is nothing more than a joke, and marriage vows are just empty words. Commitment has to mean something. We can't be ruled by our urges.
If you no longer love our wife, divorce is inevitable. She is only refusing to give you a divorce; because she feels ashamed and betrayed. She is fighting for you; even though all you might see is her anger and hatred. Try to image how distraught she feels inside as well. It's difficult to give someone so much and see someone else just come along and take it all away. It makes everything you've built together, and every time you told her you love her, just a lie. All the feelings she had for you went down a dark hole. Her life could have gone a different direction, if not for you.
Closure came when the other woman told you to move on. She didn't have to give you an opportunity to plead your case.
You wanted a chance to persuade her to change her mind; but she apparently loves her husband more. She saw what was wrong in what you both were doing to your spouses. She has done the right thing by your wife and family.
Now it is your turn.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 May 2017):
 You don't deserve "closure"; you caused the heartache.
Your wife is hurt. You owe her.
Your kids know you betrayed their mum. You need to make it up to your family.
You *have* to realise the lady was *never* your "girlfriend". Married men don't have "girlfriends"; they have WIVES and mistresses.
Stop pitying yourself. You are in the wrong and there is no excuse. Until you accept that, you won't be able to make any improvements.
You aren't in love with the lady (*not* "girlfriend"!), you are infatuated. She walked away because she deserves a single man, not a married one. Talking only pretends everything is fine and it isn't.
You are a cheater, so fix your marriage or get a divorce and stay away from other women.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 She is not your girlfriend. She is not your friend. She is simply a woman from the past. A woman who you need to block from your life. Honestly how would you feel if some man was talking about your wife like this? How would you feel if she loved him slightly more? Stop being selfish and leave this woman alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have sorted stuff out with my wife and I have been trying to atone for my mistakes. I have stopped contacting my girlfriend (maybe only replying thanks or a short reply once in awhile), for maybe three years already. I guess I just needed a closure by knowing how my girlfriend felt. Ever since she left, she refused to tell me how she felt. She just kept saying that we should leave the past in the past. I need a closure and she would not even give that to me.
I have tried to think back what she said to me before we broke up and I tried to bring it up to her while we were still able to talk, she just would not tell me anything. It would be good if a woman is able to offer some insights of her feelings so that I can have a closure.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 April 2017):
Stop acting like you're the victim. YOU CAUSED THIS! Of course your wife went crazy and your kids confronted you.
I'm pretty sure you can get a divorce even if she won't sign it.
She is not your "girlfriend" because you are married! You have a wife and a mistress, not girlfriend.
Let her go fully so she can find a real boyfriend, not a married one. She shouldn't accept the excuses for you being married.
Either get a divorce or cut all contact with the girl.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): You are quite a selfish man. You go on and on about this love for another man's wife, in spite of the agony your cheating has caused your own family. It's like you're making a mockery of all the aunts and uncles by going on and on with your story.
You aren't really asking for advice. You wanted a place to tell your love-story; and to display your contempt and gross disrespect for your wife and family.
You seem to be very calloused and insensitive to your wife's pain, and I don't believe your claim about your profound love for your children. You're too obsessed about that married-woman.
You hesitate to leave your wife because she'd take half of all you have; and you'd be living on your own. No she will not agree to a divorce; because of how you make her feel. As though she has been disposed of like trash. She is preserving her dignity before her children. She has been disgraced before her family and the community. Her husband blatantly declares love for another woman, and shamelessly continues to pursue the other woman's affections.
That woman isn't leaving her husband. Your own daughter defended her family by attacking some woman you're declaring love for; and destroying your own family in the process.
I don't think you love anyone more than you love yourself. All of this is about you.
My sympathies go out to your wife and family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am only staying in this marriage because my children came up to me and asked me what was happening and why was I doing all these to their mother! I had no choice but to appease her so that she will not keep on quarrelling, fighting and shouting at me every single day and night! It was crazy when things blew up and I just couldn't handle the stress.My wife is never going to leave me. She brings the kids in to confront me. She said she will never sign the divorce even if she was dead. I just wished my girlfriend could understand all these. She was not there to see how things had gone crazy and I was being beaten up and yelled at by everyone in my family! All she knows was how she felt. I can't answer when my daughter asked me if I never loved any of my children enough to stay in the marriage. Obviously any parents know, we love our kids more than anything else in the world, maybe even more than our spouses.No matter how I tried to explain to my girlfriend, she's not accepting anything except "can we don't talk about all these anymore?" She's only interested in being a friend right now and she made it as clear to me as she could. I don't think she was trying to be manipulative or anything like that because I know her pretty well. She's very straight forward and honest. If she still has feelings for me, she would have told me. I dare not ask her if she still has feelings for me because I am not prepared to take anything like a no or no more or stuff like these. Maybe she still has feelings for me to still care about her promise of a friendship to me. I don't know.But I guess I need to try hard to stop thinking about her. I definitely can't cut her off completely. I still want to hear from her once in awhile. I don't know the reason why I feel that way. Perhaps I am hoping that one day she may fall out with her husband and I can be there to comfort her. Maybe she will never let me know even if she has fallen out with her husband. I love her more than my wife but I love my children so much that I just want to let them have some peace at home. Things have gone quiet and settled down after all these years but I just can't forget her just like that. I hope she thinks of me this way too.It feels even worse when I am missing her badly and my wife saw me dazing into space and ask, "what's on your mind?" It will be crazy at home if I were honest to my wife. Right now, even my friendship with my ex girlfriend also has to be kept a secret. I don't want to lose this friendship with her. I know she will be gone if there is another blow up at my end. She made it clear to me that she will be completely gone if something happens on my end. I don't know what is the purpose of a friendship like this. I can't take it that she's talking to me like she's talking to her friends.One reply here was right about feeling ALIVE. I feel alive when she was around. Even her emails or messages or calls make my heart pounds. I know she is right in leaving me, she told me she can't hurt my children because of our own feelings. I wished she was not a nice person because it would have been easier to let her go if she was a nasty person. When things blew up, my wife and daughter went to confront my ex girlfriend. When they became violent and hit my ex girlfriend, I was protecting her. I just hope she can see appreciate that. She told me she didn't become violent and hit them back because they are my family and she does not want to hurt me in any way. I am all messed up. I have hurt my family, I have hurt her. I wished she would just call me to meet me up and beat me up so that I would feel better. It feels worse if she's never meeting me again.It isn't about sex as what one reply said. I feel connected to her emotionally. Maybe I'm crazy but I could sense her sometimes. When we were together, I used to be unable to call her phone because she was trying to call me while I was doing that too. It feels like we are connected not just on the emotional level, but something about being on the same frequency or the same wave length. It is not going to be possible to share this same sentiments with my wife. I love my wife as I would love my sister and brother. Like a family. But I don't love my wife in the same way as I love my ex girlfriend. It is different.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (26 April 2017):
Your wife and your children deserve so much better than you. You are beyond selfish. I am glad this girl finally saw the sense to leave you. She found a man who truly loves her and could give her all that she wanted. She now shares a baby and a life with that man. She is offering friendship but you are greedy and you are always wanting more. You have no right to be angry with her, you where the one that where married, you where the one that cheated and did not care about anyone but yourself. You don't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone. You should be alone until you can work out why you only think off yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): Great answers. Now keep repeating wiseowls last sentance until it sinks in. Go back and be the best husband you can while you still can. You may be about to lose everything.
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A
male
reader, sleepwalker  +, writes (22 April 2017):
You say that you did not leave your wife for this other woman because of your children, but have you ever considered the possibility that your wife one day may find another man and that she then will drop you like a hot potato? I ask because from your age range, I assume that your wife is young enough, and perhaps attractive enough, to find herself another man AND unlike you, she may not use the children as an excuse to continue with the marriage, especially in light of your infidelity. What then?Your lover, like many single women who have gotten themselves involved with another man, has finally come out of the fog and has seen that she does not have any future with you and so has chosen wisely to end the affair once and for all. If you truly love her, respect her choice and let her go.As far as you is concerned, get yourself into individual therapy as well as marriage counseling. Time is not on your side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): I hope venting has given you a bit a peace and sobered you some. I commend that woman for moving on.
Now go back to your family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): Hi OP.Clearly she does not have what it takes to go No Contact either.I truly believe that she is not a nice person. She seems to be getting some kick out of toying with your emotions, even after all this time. That's pretty sad. If she really moved on, loves her husband and child and is happy in her situation, she would not be contacting you AT ALL over these years. I think she enjoys having you wrapped around her finger. A part of her likes the ego boost you provide. A part of her is still ADDICTED to you. And likes the IDEA of you.Does she LOVE you? NO. She never did. Sorry to be harsh. If she loved you, she would have been more understanding that you had to go on that trip overseas with your wife. She would not have huffed and puffed and distanced herself from you because you still had an OBLIGATION as a husband. It was NOT a CHOICE on your part. You tried to contact her. As you said, you went on early morning jogs before your wife woke up. You were going out of your way to keep in touch with her. Because you cared about her. She did not see that. Nor appreciate it.And she stayed no contact for a good long time. That isn't love. Furthermore, to rub even more salt in the wound, she went ahead and started a relationship with another man, married him and had his child! All behind your back and without telling you. That is NOT love.I can tell you from the mistress point of view how it should feel as I am a mistress myself. Have been for 4 years. My married lover needs to go on trips with his wife overseas. They go quite frequently as they enjoy travel together. One of the few things that they have in common. I don't like it but I understand. I do not get angry. I hate that he is away from me and it hurts me, yes. I miss him terribly. But ANGRY? No. He contacts me every day and makes a great effort to stay in touch. And this makes me feel good and connected to him. As a mistress, you know what you got yourself into and that you are sharing a man. So you have to have a thick skin about it and accept the consequences or leave the situation altogether. It is very complicated to be in an affair. The feelings are different from average relationships. There is often more passion and intensity and anger and it is highly charged. It can makes us crazy at times. I liken it to a roller coaster ride, which is exactly what it is. The highs are incredible. The lows are unbearable. You would ask why we stick around? Is it for LOVE? Or is it because we enjoy the drama. Because we are addicted. Because despite all the pitfalls, this person makes us feel alive. And we FEAR that if we lose them, we will never feel this way again. People who try to extricate themselves from an affair often have a long, hard road ahead. Many attempts fail. It is like a moth to a flame. The allure is unstoppable. That is why you need to go NO CONTACT now and forever and stick to it. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do but that is the only way you can alleviate this pain and go back to the person you used to be and regain your sanity and emotional stability.Maybe she contacts you when things are blah in her life or when she needs a pick me up.I am not sure why anybody would want to be just friends with an ex affair partner. There is no good that can come of that. And there are too many feelings and too much water under the bridge to ever reconcile back to just friendship. After all that is said and done, this is next to impossible for ex lovers to do.I promise you, OP, the idea of her and the drama is what keeps you glued to your seat. If she became your wife and you her husband, that drama would die down and eventually cease altogether. And then what? Could you handle the stability and predictability of what used to be an exciting, heart pounding relationship? And would you then be off to seek a new mistress? And would she seek a new diversion as well? Be honest with yourself. These are all things to think about.Affairs are not often built to last and nor often do they. At first you are swept away by the fantasy but once reality sets in, you realize that it was all about the euphoria and that if it becomes like any other relationship, why bother anymore? Most people in affairs love the highs and the shine of new sex and the intensity that goes with it. If it ever becomes routine, then that is the death knell. My situation is a little different from most affairs. We have developed a deeper bond of friendship and caring beyond the sex itself and he is committed to me; as committed as any married man can be to his mistress. Fortunately for us, the sex is still crazy and exciting even after four years. And we have had our share of issues as well but have remained together. The main one is TRUST. It has gotten in the way for me especially. I care deeply for him but I worry all the time about his loyalty. Because he stepped out on his wife with me. And it's been four years. So, I am always worried I have become more like a wife after all this time and that he may eventually cheat on me too. I worry if he is right now despite his protestations to the contrary. I know myself OP, deep down, that I should also go NO CONTACT but I don't think I am this strong; or perhaps not ready yet. I also fear that if I let him go, I will never feel this alive again. For now, I choose the happy pieces of my puzzle and ignore the sad ones. I understand how you feel. I understand how she feels.I think you have missed the boat. You can't go back. It just seems like now it's too late.Too much has happened.And it's time to move on.It will be difficult and painful and you will feel desperate but the road through the pain is the only road you can take. Otherwise you will always be stuck on a dead end street.I wish you well. I hope you find your peace. And your joy in life again. It all begins with letting her go.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 April 2017):
 Have you ever had a cut and put a plaster on it, in a place where you have hair? When you needed to remove the plaster, you had two options: pull slowly and get a little bit of pain for a long time, or pull quickly and get one swift stab of pain and then it is all over. If you liken your relationship with this lady to this plaster, you are picking at the edges of the plaster but not really removing it as you can't handle the thought of the pain. If you had cut contact properly all those years ago, you would not be going through this pain now.
Who knows what her game is? I certain don't. In any case, SHE IS NOT FREE. She is a mother now, to someone else's child, and she is someone's wife. How would you feel if YOUR wife was having this sort of contact with another man?
It did make me smile that you say "I love her slightly more than my wife". Not exactly a declaration of undying love, is it? In fact, it's very lukewarm and half hearted. As you love your wife "slightly less" than this lady, why can you not concentrate on your marriage and make your wife feel loved and cherished instead of yearning for this woman who is not free to have a relationship with you? If you REALLY wanted to be with her, you would have left your marriage regardless of your wife and children. You want your marriage AND this lady. It would seem SHE is as confused and mixed up as YOU are and can't cut contact with you.
You KNOW what you need to do: cut contact and NEVER reinstate it. However, it will take strength to do that and I don't think you have what it takes to "pull off the plaster". You will still be in this situation years down the line, still confused, still asking questions and still no nearer drawing a line under it all unless you make a sensible decision NOW.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 April 2017):
You need to get a divorce and be single. You don't need to be married to be a good father and you're not being a good husband or boyfriend because you refuse to choose.
Whether your mistress (she's *not* your "girlfriend") wants anything to do with you now or not, you can't jump from one relationship to another.
Get divorced, do *not* snoop on anyone ever and be single until you learn that you can't make excuses for cheating. Get your life in order and focus on being a good father, not your woman troubles.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): Are you kidding me? Your poor wife. Your poor children that you...Yes you are messing up. They see how you are and they think this is marriage. Leave your wife. She deserves much better than you and so do your kids. As for the not girlfriend leave her alone. You have shown you cannot be friends with a ex. Keep up your crazy ways and you will be in jail for stalking sooner than you think. Go to the E.R. and admit yourself and get the help you so desperately need. You really need help like yesterday.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): What are you on !! You chose your wife don't be mad at your ex for moving on. .leave her alone to get on with her life and you go be happy with your wife ..
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