A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: frustrated hyprocrite I have been divorced for 8 years. A year ago we got back together and are living together. During the time we were divorced I had 4 girlfriends and she also had relationships. The other day she told me about some of her boyfriends. After hearing about one in some detail I told her I dont want to hear any more because I feel jealous and I am in lot of pain. A little while later she was asking me about my girlfriends and she seemed able to hear some details with out a problem. Than she let it slip out of her mouth about a surfer boyfriend who was 10 years younger than her who she had a "tryst" with. I immediatly yelled at her that I told her I didnt want to hear about her boyfriends and I got filled with pain/jealouse feelings. Its been a couple of days now and I am furious at her for telling me and I keep imagining her with a surfer dude in her special tryst, I imagine her having sex with him and another one of her old boyfriends. I feel like I am torturing myself and cant stop. I know I have no right to be like this because we were divorced back than. How can I stop feeling betrayed when there was no betrayal? Is ther something wrong with me? I did the same as her. I cant handle this, what do I do to stop feeling this way?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): The reasons that men feel this more than women are no mystery, they are logical when you look at the differences in male & female reproduction and child-rearing, etc.
But the truth is too politically incorrect to say. Most women dont want to find out this is true, and if a man says its true then he gets called a backward-thinking bigot. The problem is the deeper implications of it. Modern culture is very committed to the idea that total sexual liberation is fair and good for all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): You feel betrayed because even when you were divorced, you still loved her. And you don't know how she felt when she was hearing about your girlfriends. She could have been just as hurt but holding it in. I recommend that you tell her "Lets leave the past in the past and just try to move forward". If she keeps bringing up her exes, let her know how much it's hurting you and straining the relationship. If she wants to make it work with you, she'll stop. Right now it's just about the two of you and you two should focus on that. Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Recognize that it's your mind that is causing you the pain, nothing else, just your mind imaging wild things.
So take control of your mind. When it starts to go off on the fantasy outrage riff, take a mental step back, and watch yourself get all upset. Just observe yourself as the mind tries to rile you up.
Ask yourself, as you are all riled up, "what part of me is upset?" "What piece of me is getting so riled up about this?"
Sit back and observe your mind as it tries to create drama. Take 5 deep breaths and be present, "here I am, here I am."
All the feelings of jealousy to happen and then allow them to flow through you and get behind them and watch the effects. Acknowledge the feelings, embrace the feelings and then .... let them go. Watch them subside, with your breath, as you exhale the toxic thoughts and inhale cleansing loving thoughts.
Practice this EVERY TIME your mind starts to create the drama. You will reconnect with yourself and begin to see the patterns you have sunk into.
Life is short, and there will be pain, but suffering is not necessary. Accept the situation, learn to breathe, learn to sit in peace with yourself and you will be in a new, better place.
I have some books on my profile page. Read the very first one, right away. That will help you the most, right now.
Be well.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 You told her not to tell you story but she did anyway. She could still be bitter and is telling you stories to make you angry. Right now she doesn't know how much you still love her and is using your jealousy as a measure of your love. Stupid move. She heard about your girlfriends and I bet she felt jealous too. Instead of admitting jealousy she was retaliating with more of her stories. You are both desirable alright?
It's not a betrayal in the sense that she cheated, it's the kind that she's deliberately hurting you with the uninvited details. You may want to revisit the reasons you are getting back together. Sounds like there is still a lot of hate. If you decide you want to stay with her, work on building connection and attraction again. Tell her that when she rubs her past in you face again, it is like taking twelve steps back towards your goal of loving each other. Make friends not enemies.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 I think you hit the nail on the head. Most women can deal with the pain of hearing about past girlfriends but men can't...I think it must be something psychological, hormonal even??...who knows but I know a lot of guys get het up and simply don't want to hear it!!
I was having a think about it, since I am a psychology graduate and I sorta have my own theories...I think most men base their opinions of women they choose to be with based on how they see their own mother/or early female caregiver.
If their mother was a good caring honest virtuous individual, it's likely they will expect their wife/girlfriend/partner to be the same. Since no guy wants to think about his mother being a promiscuous woman, he most likely won't be able to cope knowing his wife/girlfriend/partner has been promiscuous.
Women are slightly different in how they see their fathers. Fathers in general are more remote as parents. Fathers tend to be less hands on and are often the provider and the fun element, whereas mothers tend to be totally hands on, present and the disciplinarian. The statistics for absent fathers is a much higher number than absent mothers, therefore both sons and daughters may only be influenced by their mothers.
Since both sexes tend to want to be different when they grow up from their same sex parent (Boys and Dads, Girls and Mums) They are more attached to the alternate parent.
Boys are more attached because their alternate sex parent is more present and girls are less attached because their alternate sex parent is less present.
This is only my own way of working out why men and women react so differently to the knowledge of their partners past liasons. Of course if those past liasons show up and start making trouble both men and women will get pissed off in equal measure...
But past loves?...men struggle with this more often than women.
You are not alone, you can overcome it, it's not a betrayal...it's history.
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