A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im so sorry this is so long! id appreciate anyone who takes the time to read through it and advise :)me and my ex broke up around 3 weeks ago due to external reasons- work hours and other commitments etc. it was his decision to break up as we had an argument in which i said a lot of hurtful things in the heat of the moment about these issues that i didnt mean. he said if i really felt like that then he thought breaking up was the right thing to do as he thought it was apparent the relationship wasnt making me happy- this couldnt be further from the truth! he was my third proper boyfriend yet the first that i properly trusted to have sex with; he knows i've been treated like crap before and i trusted him 100%. hes the only boyfriend to meet my family and after so many failed relationships felt like the one it was actually working out with. i did and would have done anything for him.i spent a week trying to change his mind- crying, arguing, contacting him non stop telling him how happy he made me during the relationship and how hurt and upset i was now (i know doing this is often considered a mistake but i felt i had nothing to lose). i was just so hurt as i didnt expect us to break up so suddenly because of all this and i was devastated when he said it was what he had decided. one week before the breakup everything had been fine. whilst breaking up with me he said i was the best girlfriend he had ever had and felt like he'd failed me and that he didnt want me to cut him off as he didnt want to lose contact. he said he wasn't going to commit himself to a long term relationship for a while as the things i had said in our argument had made him realise that he was unable to hold down a long term relationship with the long hours that he works and commitments with his band- leaving him with minimal free time (our argument had been over not seeing each other one night and me being annoyed because due to commitments on both parts we wouldnt get a decent amount of time together for a couple of weeks- but i thought we'd work through it rather than break up!). i told him that i didnt think i would be able to handle being just friends with him and that it was all or nothing.almost 2 weeks after breaking up (last saturday) i told him i had to delete him on facebook to forget him and get over him and that i didnt think we should talk anymore- basically saying that i wanted him out of my life. i'd tried to be ok with staying in contact but i couldnt cope. i was just hurting so much over it, he wasnt budging with changing his mind, he appeared to be coping and so happy and i, still obviously being ridiculously upset, needed to look out for myself and cut him off to move on. when i said this, pretty angrily (still so hurt that he could just dump me out of the blue) he got annoyed and said he didnt want to spend the evening arguing with me about it and that he'd text me about it all the next day. he never did, and i stuck to my word and havent contacted him since.i thought that was it for good and that he didn't really care, after a week and a half i accepted it; we werent gonna talk anymore, probably were never gonna see each other again and whilst it was good while it lasted there was nothing i could do to change his mind and i had to move on.however today, 10 days later, i was driving when i recieved a text from him. it basically just said sorry that he hadnt contacted me sooner and that he just wanted to wait for us to both calm down (WHY when i said i didnt want anything to do with him anymore?!) and was just asking how i was doing.said nothing about the argument or what we last spoke about, completely out of the blue.any insight into this? is he beginning to come crawling back because i stopped chasing him, or missing me or what? i havent replied- should i reply or keep up with the no contact? i still want to be with him and i think if we got back together and took things slow we could definitely make it work, but he hurt me so much that i dont want to make it easy for him. thankyou
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionadd on to the end of my last post-
i want to make it work, he knows i wanted to so now the balls in his court if it's what he wants too i feel like i've tried enough and he knows i don't want to be just friends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhoneypie, i told him a ridiculous amount of times after he broke up with me that breaking up wasn't what i wanted. i argued against it so much. he KNOWS that i still want to be with him because i TOLD him. HE KNOWS i was willing to work through this short period of difficulty because i TOLD HIM. he was the one who was acting like he didnt care, not me.i'm not going to make even more of a fool out of myself by just telling him i want to be back with him over and over again to just be rejected every time, and also being there whenever he decides it's convenient for him to talk to me. just dangling me on a string if you like.he knows what i want, and he knows i told him i'm not going to be just friends with him. which is why i deleted him on facebook when he said we can't get back together. I TOLD HIM ALL THIS. my actions are not different to what i say.he hurt me which is why if he does miss me/want to get back together i'm not going to just let him back just like that. im not going to be the stupid little girl that lets her boyfriend/ ex walk all over her and then probably gets dumped again. ive been in that situation before and i'm not letting it hapen again. if he wants to get back together he has to TELL ME, just like i told him, and make the effort to prove that he means it because i'm not getting back into it just for the same thing to happen again.i'm sorry but i don't see exactly what i'm doing wrong, i'm just protecting myself. yeah i guess the term "crawling back" is a little harsh on him i just thought it was the best phrase for people to understand what i mean :/
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 You words and your actions are so confusing. You say one thing, then do another, then lash out when he doesn't read your mind and do whatever it is you REALLY want.
And I agree CRAWL back is not a nice term. Maybe he wanted to give you space to cool off?
Him and you will not work if you keep that attitude. Why? , because you constantly sabotage it. Read what you wrote in the last sentence and tell me that isn't foolish:
*quote*
i still want to be with him and i think if we got back together and took things slow we could definitely make it work, but he hurt me so much that i dont want to make it easy for him.
*end quote*
If you WANT it to work figure out what you WANT/NEED from him and what you can give in return. Talk to him. See what HE want/needs from you. Making things HARD on him will not make the relationship EASIER or make you feel better. The whole idea that you HAVE to punish him, defeats the purpose of you and him potentially working it out.
I don't think he dump you out of the blue. I think he felt he couldn't be the guy he felt you deserved or wanted. Maybe due to his work load. He obviously knows you felt mistreated in the past and he didn't want to be "that" guy.
You two need to be on the same page when it comes to HOW you make it work. And WHAT you want out of a relationship.
Sorry if I come off as hard on you, but I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee honey. Being happy with someone takes work, effort from BOTH people.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Crawl back sounds demeaning. He just wants to know where you stand after you calmed down. I think you should stick with your all or nothing deal. Most people your age could not hold down a long term relationship. But some manage to keep their girlfriends happy by doing those sweet little things to keep the relationship alive. He's the kind that concentrates on one thing, remove emotions and other distractions. When his job is all done then he can deal with you. Other men are more communicative and expressive. You have to decide if you can accept him or do you want to try out other men who understand women better. When a relationship is good you feel secure and relaxed. No one says you need to get married tomorrow but it is important to show feelings and appreciation for each other even when you can't meet. Men who can't understand that would have problems in relationships.
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