A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 26 year old single mother of two. I work a full time job, and am a full time mom. I live on my own with my kids, their dad lives over 1000 miles away. I pay all my own bills, etc... In other words, I'm completely independent. My kids dad and I broke up four years ago, the first two years I stayed single. The last two years I decided to get back into the dating the game. Well, I didn't really decide to, but I meant to just have a one-night stand that turned into a seven month relationship. After that ended - about 3 months later I met another guy- things were going amazingly well. Almost to the point I couldn't believe it. I let the guy meet my kids at first he was just my "friend" and I wouldn't kiss or be affectionate with him around my kids but as time passed and he stuck around, took me and the kids out on dates, to the movies, to family friendly places, etc.. he played with my kids, talked to them, eventually I let them know he was mommy's "boyfriend" and I wouldnt mind if they saw us kiss or hug. Things were still going exceptionally well. Then one day - out of the blue he came over with an "I need to talk to you." And he ended it, no real reason - other than he said he wasn't built for long term relationships, which made no sense. But I'm a firm believer that if someone doesn't want to be there, you shouldn't try to force them to stay - then they'll leave later and it would be worse.Anyway, I don't know why he left.I'm not a clingy girlfriend. I don't call a million times a day, I don't demand to know who he's with/what he's doing/etc. I don't expect him to come in and take over and take care of me and my kids.My friend says I'm intimidating because I don't "need" a man. Also intimidated because I treat them like they're a man and not a child. That maybe they leave because they know they're not needed, says a guy needs to feel like he's needed. Is that true? I mean do I really need to pretend to be incompetent to make a guy stick around? I just feel like I'm doing something wrong. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): It seems odd that a Guy would leave especially if there was no drama going on. Or no games.
If a guy is not happy with being treated respectful and seen as trustworthy- well then he is addicted to drama queens and probably then could do the whole fighting, sleeping around.
I think this guy was probably bored or uncomfortable with a healthy relationship and he is used to the unhealthy.
Better he left.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I knew you guys were right - just needed some sort of validation. I think I'm just upset because I did let this guy get close to not only me, but my kids. It was his choice, and then he bailed. I think though, it was just a fear of commitment. Maybe he thought he wanted all that then changed his mind. It took him eight months to decide though - we all got attached and it just made me angry than anything else. Anyway...My friend, at the time of our conversation, seemed to make a lot of sense. Sense I didn't like, but it seemed legit. But you guys are definitely right. I guess this guy just wasn't the right one, but it sure felt like it.The first guy left in a similar fashion, (I forgot to mention) things were going well, and then he slowly stopped coming around for no apparent reason. That one, though, I wasn't expecting it to last anyway - like I said, it was supposed to just be a one-night stand. So there were two guys that things were going well, and then suddenly - nothing.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (14 February 2012):
This is just one guy, it's not like it's happened repeatedly for exactly the same reasons. I know break-ups are tough but you have to keep this in perspective. He left probably because he has a fear of commitment or (and I know you won't want to hear this) he just wasn't as into the relationship as you.
Of course men (and women) want to feel needed and wanted in a relationship but you can still be independent and make someone feel that way, by being affectionate and letting them know you care for them and enjoy their company.
You only need to look at this site to see the problems clingy and jealous girlfriends cause in relationships and I can assure you that they don't have happy endings either.
To be blunt I think your friend is wrong. Also do you really want to end up in a relationship where you act as a mother and not a girlfriend? Do you think you will be any happier? You'll probably just end up being taken advantage of.
No you don't need to act incompetent and assuming you are loving/affectionate in a relationship then I don't think you're doing anything wrong either. Sometimes these things happen so best thing to do is carry on as you are, it actually sounds like you had a healthy outlook on relationships before this.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Your not.
He just wasn't the right one
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard, "You're intimidating because you don't "need" a man." How stupid is that? Why would you want to beat yourself down just because some guy left you? You DON'T that kind of man obviously. You need someone who will value the fact that you made your own life,that you can support your kids as a single mother and can pay for your bills and expenses. Someone who will treasure that! Because not a lot people can do what you did! You should let the guy go if he really thinks that which he might not and you should seriously do a evaluating of your friends. What kind of friends says things like that? I wish you all the best,stay strong.
Cheers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): You're my hero! Please don't change anything about yourself, stay exactly as you are, you just haven't yet met the right guy yet.
Are there guys who only want needy women so they themselves can feel all manly? sure there are. I know plenty of guys who married women that are almost like kids in how needy and helpless they are. (and then later on, years later, the guy complains of feeling smothered in the marriage...whatever, can't have it both ways).
Men who like needy women because it makes them feel validated are either highly insecure, or chauvinistic (they believe that women as a normal occurrence should be helpless which means they don't think much of women) or co-dependent. Why would you want to be with a guy who is any of these?
But there also guys out there who find needy and helpless women annoying and downright irritating, which is the exact opposite of attractive, by the way.
Lots of guys seek out and are attracted to strong independent women. these guys are looking for a PARTNER in life, not a "dependent" like an extra child. They want their mate to be someone that they respect and admire, not someone to whom they demand respect and admiration for being their 'savior.' These guys want to feel that their partner is someone they can rely on just as much, who is the true definition of a partner.
In my family, and my husband's family, all the women are strong independent women, some are actually the primary breadwinners and make more money than their husbands, some are working in traditionally male dominated fields as well or are successful entrepreneurs. I cannot imagine any of my male relatives or in-laws wanting their wives to become all helpless and dependent on them, or choosing to marry helpless women.
Don't change anything about yourself. You just need to find men who have a healthy respect for women, who are confident in themselves and their own manhood that they don't feel threatened by capable women, and who are looking for a relationship of equal peers, not one in which they can always feel "one up" over the woman by being her savior.
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