A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about a month ago. He was jealous, controlling, he was lazy and lives with his mother. I was young at the start of the relationship so I was spoon fed everything he told me.I was young and silly so I flashed my chest on a chat website. He found out but I begged to stay with him. He eventually agreed but it began a very rocky and controlling relationship. He even mentioned proposing when I turn 18 and moving to my university. I got older and wised up to what he was doing. His dad had died and he was close to him, so he ate his way to morbid obsesity which was around the time I met him. He claimed depression and anxiety for nearly the whole of the two years and only began changing when I said I wanted to leave. I want to enjoy being an adult and I have big dreams, he's 23 and only just started making something of himself.He tried to fix things but it was to little too late, it proved he was being lazy. He lives a couple of hours away from me so the long distance didn't help. I ended things with him, and he seemed to take it okay, saying he doesn't have to 'worry about me anymore'.We decided to remain friends because we get along. We also decided to leave relationships for 3 months. (Which is easy for me, I honestly don't want a relationship for a while).He also said he wants me to visit him because I 'wouldn't be his friend if I didn't'. He offered to pay the fare but not long ago he said he wanted me to pay half. (I don't have money as I am a student and my mother has a false hip and knee and is currently out of work after a second hip replacement)He is constantly asking who I'm talking to and if I've found someone else, and I've got something to hide if I refuse to tell him.He rang me up drunk saying I should get with a friend from college because 'I deserve someone nice' then got furious when I talked to him about it.We had an argument and he lied and said he'd moved on.I was furious and hurt so I sent a message to another ex. (If you can call him that, it was a silly Internet relationship.) I didn't expect a reply but he did. The other guy hates this one as I was younger and silly and said I had feelings for him. My boyfriend (the recent ex) made me break contact and we haven't spoken in 2 years till now.The old ex and I spoke and caught up on things, how our lives are etc. He added me on Facebook.I know that my recent ex will go crazy so I hid my friends list. He's noticed this and asked me to change it back. I don't like bending to his will, but it's public now and I'm sure a fight will happen.Am I doing anything wrong? It's likely the new ex will cut contact with me but as far as I'm concerned it's up to me to talk to who I want, considering the recent ex is the only person I've had sex with while he slept around and has all the girls on Facebook. Is some old flame worth losing a friend over, or should I not care because I am single and we are just friends? Essentially I can do what I like and I don't plan on re kindling a relationship with someone who I haven't spoken to for two years. I have no interest in the opposite sex.I apologise for the length of this, but I would really appreciate some frank advice. Thankyou.
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broke up, drunk, facebook, jealous, long distance, money, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (12 March 2013):
If you are so put off by his behavior, then why do you insist in putting yourself in his company by being "friends?" Any suffering you do at his hands is now 100% your own fault.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2013):
 OP you ask: "Am I doing anything wrong?"
the ONLY thing you are doing wrong is thinking you need to be friends with your ex boyfriends.
there is no need to be friends
with ex partners that you do not have children with you do not even have to be civil or friendly... you can be NO CONTACT forever and that's the best way to be.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 You're young and don't need this BS, to be quite frank. You've let him call the shots for way too long. Its none of his business who your facebook friends are or who you've been talking to. You shouldn't have to hide your friends list because of him! Cumon! Exes are exes for a reason, they're in the past. If you decided to move on right now then its your business not his and you shouldn't even care about him seeing it or his reaction. Cut him out of your life completely and move on with life. You can't be friends with this guy or you'll only be hurting your own progress in life
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Obviously you two can't JUST be friends, it's pretty clear. You are NOT doing him any favors by pretending to be his friend.
So my advice would be tell him, being friends isn't working for you and then tell him NO CONTACT. Stick by it. Block his number, his Facebook/un-friend/delete whatnot and STOP talking, im'ing, texting him. If he still tries to get in touch ignore it.
Neither of you are getting ANYTHING positive out of pretending to be OK and friends.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 March 2013):
The other advice was good, so I'd just like to add that the solution is as easy as sending him a message on Facebook that thanks him for the memories but tells him that it's become obvious that friendship between the two of you is out of the question at this point. So you are discontinuing all contact with him including blocking him on FB and your cell phone.
Tell him that this will give the two of you a period to adjust to being single and it's something that will be good for both of you.
Then, in a few months is you feel like being "friends" again you can. But more than likely you'll realize how you're perfectly happy without him.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 March 2013):
 This guy is clearly nuts, but you are allowing this behavior. Despite the fact that you broke up with him and are hours away from him, for some reason you still allow him to tell you what to do and still expend energy to satisfy his jealous needy behavior.
Like allowing him to tell you to wait 3 months? You can go out and sleep with someone the next day or get a new boyfriend, it is NONE of his business or concern.
The only point in having friends is if they add positively to your life. This guy has nothing positive to add, he just takes and controls. Cut him out completely, you don't need that. Live your life however you want and don't let him know about it because it's no longer any of his business and he just has to deal with that.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 March 2013):
 "We decided to remain friends because we get along" - clearly you do not get along because he is controlling and jealous and you dislike his behaviour. There is no 'getting along' here, AT ALL.
"Am I doing anything wrong?". YES. What is 'wrong' here is that you are trying to maintain a 'friendship' with an ex. Being friends with an ex rarely works unless the relationship wasnt troubled and things simply fizzled out. That was not the case with your relationship, you were unhappy and you chose to end it, it was not a mutual decision regardless of him pretending to not be bothered.
What should you do now? End the friendship and stop trying to flog a dead horse. You dont need 'friends' like this in your life, he is controlling and jealous and has no right to be anymore, so simply cut him out of your life and move on. Then you are free to do what you want with who you want and live your life like a normal teenager. Friends who control you and are demanding like him are not real friends, he is just hassle and he will carry on making you unhappy if you let him.
Next time, dont try and be friends with an ex, it simply never works.
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