A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was younger I was quite ill, I had to leave school and was stuck at home between the ages of 15-20. The ages of 20-22 were spent getting my life back in order (e.g education/friends) so I didn't even think about dating much then, because of all this I wasn't able to learn about relationships in the normal way as a teenager and feel completely confused about the whole thing. Now I'm 23 and for the last year and a half I've been considering dating, I've met some guys but it just never amounts to anything, I'm not sure if my expectations are realistic, if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm even capable of having those sorts of feelings.I have some new friends now who have been trying to set me up, take me to clubs/pubs to meet people, which I don't mind. The problem is if I do meet someone who is interested and we go on a few dates it seems everyone expects us to then to have some sort of 'official' relationship after only a week or two. So far nearly every guy I've met hasn't really interested me as we don't have much in common, I don't see it working out in the long run so I end it. My friends just don't understand this and seem to think I should spend more and more time with a guy until I become attached. They themselves don't seem to have a lot in common with their partners, moan about them frequently and are constantly breaking up and then getting back together. They seem to be together for the sake of being in a relationship. Is that what it takes? Is this what the majority of relationships are actually like? Are my expectations too high and should I of just continued to see someone and hope feelings develop? If that is the case then I have no chance as I think I'd be happier alone.About 6 months ago I did meet someone who I had a lot in common with but we had different ideas about the future like I wanted to go off and travel in the next couple of years. He's settled here and never wants to leave at all which is fine if that's what makes him happy and that's just one thing. So I didn't persue it as again I didn't think it would work long-term. My friends (I know I refer to them a lot but they're the only people I can really base this on) thought I was crazy and I should of dated him at least for a time to get experience. I really don't know what they mean by that, I don't see the point in setting myself up for unnecessary hurt but are they right, is there something I could've gained from it?Finally my last problem is that I haven't felt sexually attracted to anyone I've met. I've heard both men and women saying how much they'd like to take 'whoever' home if they were single, etc. I haven't felt like that about anyone and it's not just nerves because I haven't had sex before.Is that normal? When I was much younger it was briefly considered whether I should be tested for aspergers but it was decided against as I had too few signs, none of which revolved around relationships as obviously I was too young but it is something that's bothering me now. Maybe I do I have it and that's why my views and feelings seem to be so different to other people's.I know this post might make me sound obsessed with finding someone or being normal, I'm not. At the end of day I'm happy in my own company all I was looking for is someone who can add more enjoyment to life but relationships seem to come with a lot of problems. I'm just wondering whether I should bother to keep looking. I'd also appreciate other people's perspectives on relationships for example what they mean to you, what you consider most important while in them and what would you sacrifice for them?
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female
reader, Shadow Rose  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 I think the problem here is that you weren't able to experience dating as a teenager.My advice is to not do like your friends, especially since you are more practical, like me. Just forget about sexual feelings for now, and just live life, happy. The key to finding a good relationship usually isn't at bars or pubs, and dont bother with guys who dont have similar intrests to you. It's just boring, in my opinion.Maybe you should try just meeting people online/irl as friends to start out, and if you develop feelings later on, then you're on the right track! And as for sexual feelings, I'd say it's good not to have attractions to random strangers. I didn't start having sexual feelings to my boyfriend until about 5 months into our relationship, and almost a year has passed since we met! All in all, I'd say your expectations are fine, expecially if you wanted to have a meaningful relationship that lasts a long time, and you are completely normal. I wish you luck in life, and someday you will find someone who truly gets you. :)
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