A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 5 yrs. All this time I thoguht my husband was addicted to my body. But,Now my husband tells me that he loves big boobs and that all this time he has been entertained himself with porn videos on Youtube, watching women with big boobs and masturbating. He has promised he wants to stop this habit and change, because he loves me madly and dont want to lose me. I cant stop the heart ache since he has confessed to me. Even though I have loved him truly, and want to forgive him. But knowing that he was never happy with my boobs and resorting to pleasuring himself with pornography is killing me inside. I feel so degraded. I feel such a secondary means of pleasure to my husband all this time. I dont know what to do. Can i love him again, even if I forgive him? How can I get my self confidence back that my body is sexy enough for my husband? eventhough, he claims he loves my body. Please, suggest me something to release me of this pain. I am losing my mind.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): it is ok.. most of men do that. do not make as big an issue
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): To the male anonymous who prefers to insult people in the name of religion - when we are actually discussing porn - I suggest YOU are the one with the problem. Shame on you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 April 2011):
 Oh my.
Did your husband either say outright or infer that because your boobs aren't enough for him that he's become addicted to porn?? I'm sure he wouldn't word it like this, but you feel like he meant this, and I don't think it was by accident.
Your husband feels guilty that he's become addicted to porn, and he's grasping for a reason not to blame himself. he doesn't say it outright, but he's exploiting an insecurity of yours in order to throw you off balance, and it's happened.
If this was really your fault, and your boobs aren't enough, then why did he date and then marry you?? Why has he had sex with you countless times? During sex, I assume that he had an orgasm and subsequently ejaculated? That's a no-brainer.
No, ladies and gentlemen, he feels guilty enough to admit a porn addiction, yet is trying to blame the wife for his addiction. The problem is...he could divorce his wife, marry a big-boobed-bimbo, and still have this addiction.
That's like blaming someone else for a heroin addiction, or a gambling addiction, or a food addiction. He has no one else to blame but himself for letting it get out of hand. You are not inadequate, and it's really slimy to make you feel that way.
I advise you to not feel that way. Hold your head up. He can not prop himself up by making you feel bad any longer about his addiction, nor should he cause you to share the burden of his guilt. Remind him quietly that he got himself into this mess long before he met you.
I agree that a majority of men watch porn, but I would go out on a limb to say that it's not a majority of men that become addicted beyond their control.
The sooner you overcome your feelings of inadequacy and emotions of feeling betrayed, the better you can make a calculating decision about whether or not you want to continue being with him.
I will say this - it will boil down to whether or not you have enough love for him to help him break his addiction, and whether you have the strength and fortitude to look him in the eye and tell him to never blame what you don't have for his getting addicted. He made his choices. He caused his own addiction. He needs to break it.
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A
male
reader, eclectic +, writes (10 April 2011):
I can't blame you for feeling betrayed by his confession. Secrets are never healthy in a marriage. Also, by owning up to a need to masturbate to a woman with bigger breasts than yours, he damaged the confidence you had in your physical attractiveness to him.
Some people are comfortable with their partner watching porn, but you were never given a chance to voice your opinion, since he never let on that he was interested in it. My guess is that you never would have approved of it as anything more than a curiosity. No woman in her right mind wants to know that her husband is sneaking off to his computer, imagining himself with other women.
The fact that he decided to confess it to you suggests that his love for you is deeper than just the physical. I'm sure he loves you in every way. The porn is a fantasy, and not an indictment of your body. However, every time he watches porn and masturbates to it, he is reinforcing his fantasies. So I believe that he has to break the porn habit if he wants to stop obsessing about these women. That means less time with the computer, and more time with doing things that are real.
If you love him, give him a chance to make things right, but demand honesty as a priority. Don't make any decisions about him without giving yourself a chance to heal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): This is his issue, not yours. There is nothing wrong with you. Even if you had big boobs he would have still done it. Don't believe that you are the problem at all. yes, you can love him again, if he is honest and makes the right choices. Porn is a choice. if he can't control it, then he needs help. there is help out there for this addiction. He can change if he wants to. Don't let him tell you it is because of your boobs. how would he feel if you told him you liked looking at other naked men because his penis was too small.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): Not all men watch porn. Not all men watch Big Brother. It's about personal preference. If it upsets you then you need to deal with this as a couple. All men watch porn is like saying all women want a well endowed man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): If your husband watching porn is disturbing you so badly then I suggest you get help. It's you with the issues not him.
Absolutely 100% of all the guys I know watch porn regularly. In fact if they didn't I would find that more abnormal. Have you ever spoken with a male before your husband? Or do you live in some sort of religious commune?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 April 2011):
 He does love your body, and you are more than just your appearance. It's the whole package that makes you special to him.
Still, this kind of thing is definitely more common than you might think. The thing to know is that what a lot of guys like to watch in porn, isn't necessarily what they want in real life.
Your first step is having an open discussion about it. It will probably hurt, but it needs to be out in the open. You might also want to seek some couseling if you want to save the marriage.
Remember, this is his issue, and honestly has little to do with you. I know it doesn't feel that way, but it's true. He has to prioritize his life and realize what matters to him the most. If that's you, then you need to know what he needs to do in order to be with you and let him know. He won't be able to change overnight, but if he really wants to change he will need your help and support.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (8 April 2011):
You don't love him anymore, because he looks at porn? I think you are really misunderstanding the male mindset. Whether or not he looks at porn has absolutely no consequence on his feelings for you. If he loves you, and is attracted to you, I don't see what the problem is. I think you need to seek help because you have unrealistic expectations for him. There are few men who won't look at porn, and even fewer who won't masturbate. I'm still shocked you have been married for 5 years and only just realised he looks at porn and masturbates. Surely the pain that you're feeling is that you feel inferior, and unloved. This is solved by listening to, and believing his reassurances... nothing else is going to do. Stop thinking you need to forgive him, because there is nothing to forgive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): I think your husband has been almost too honest and blunt to the point where he has made you feel degraded and unattractive. It is completely understandable. I do often wonder how men would feel if women continuously masturbated about men with large penis's and then told their husband or boyfriend what they did - would they get a complex about their size? I think so. Women are often told that they need to realise that men do this kind of thing so in effect 'get over it'. Trouble is, this is about how your husband has disrespected you and hurt you. Unfortunately now this information is out no amount of justification is going to take it away. The only thing I can say to you is that if I were in your shoes I would be doing everything I could do to bring my self esteem back up - irrespective of your partner and certainly not because of this 'news'. I would be pampering myself, buying some new sexy clothes, going out with the girls, getting chatted up just for fun. There is nothing like a compliment from a real human being to get your esteem back.
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