A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for a little less than two years. We met at work and were friend for a year before getting together. I moved to another town for grad school 7 months ago, but we still see each other at least once a month and talk every night. He would call me immediately after work and before bed to let me know where he has been doing and never failed. The past Saturday he did not contact me the entire day and when i tried to call his phone was shut off. Later at night, he called me back telling me he was hanging out watching sport with his colleague (female) and he sounded a little defensive. We have had arguments before regarding him hanging alone with other girls. I asked why did he shut his phone he says that he doesn't want to get into an argument with me while he was at somebody else's house. He says that there was nothing between them, I was upset but finally let it pass. The next day, he did not call me the entire day, and when he finally did, he just breaks up with me! I am so furious and confused. He says that our relationship has no future and bunch of BS. I couldn't help to think that it has something to do with the night before, but he totally denies it. The funny thing is that I even believe him. I personally know the girl and she is much less attractive than I am (not to be vain). I just don't understand what has happened and can't move on. I haven't been able to eat or sleep for the past two weeks. I also have finals, but can't do anything but crying and think about what has happened. It seems like totally out of blue. I even want to go confront him in person but feel like I should spare myself of the humiliation. But what can I do, is this totally hopeless and unsalvageable? I hate to give up like this when I spent three years of my life loving this guy.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 ... It is never out of the blue. Often people , for a number of reasons, start getting disenchanted with a relationship and inching their way out of it, slowly and subtly. Some times the signals are really so subtle that it would take an FBI profiler to pick them up, more often they are clear and evident but we choose to dismiss them because we fear facing the truth or because in our mind they do not coincide with what logically SHOULD be.
Without a strong love, and a strong committment, and an already set action plan for the future, .. that's likely to happen to an LDR , unravelling like an old handknit sweater.
Not everybody is cut out for LDRs, and your Bf found himself in one not intentionally, but because of circumstances. I agree with Janniepeg, you can call all you want, but an once a month visit , generally it's not enough to " feed " a relationship, pretty soon it starts feeling ... like a boring monthly obligation, not a relationship. Of course , like for everything, there may be exceptions, and I guess that if two people are crazily, passionately in love with each other , distance can fan the flames of love, rather than estinguish it. But apparently this was not the case for your Bf. It's not strange, you can like a person, in fact love hum / her sincerely, it's not a matter of pretending... just not with that steely determination and all consuming passion which would resist any distance, complication, hardship.
It's not necessarily such a bad thing, even if right now you cannot see it this way. The other girl was only the cathalyst, the occasional event, which triggered the blow up of the situation. Without her , the break up would probably have been less sudden, but more drawn out, ambiguous , stressful and painful. Rather than an explosion, it would have been a nerve wrecking, humiliating implosion.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): Distance isn't always the enemy. Sometimes it leads us to a crossroad. You have a purpose.
It was time for both of you to move on with your lives. In this case, I think it's safe to say your relationship has run it's course. It was time for both you and your ex to go your separate ways. Your lives are heading in different directions. You are growing and moving ahead.
You may have felt the need to hold on; but the separation was his opportunity to see other people. It is likely he detached from the relationship from the time you moved away. Everyone isn't cutout for long-distance relationships.
He may not have been that committed to you to begin with.
He most likely kept in touch, out of obligation. All he needed was the right-time to end it. It wasn't out of the blue; he planned it months in advance. He probably began seeing someone else shortly after you left.
Don't compare yourself to the other woman. Your ego is damaged by his rejection, and it doesn't feel good to know he is already seeing someone else. It only means he had a head-start on letting go, and moving on. You have to accept that. I got dumped in April 2013, out of the blue. No argument, we never fought, in fact we had a great time together. When we get broadsided like this; that means the person who dumped us planned it long before it happened. It also means destiny has other plans for us.
Better things are yet to come. He has to be removed from the scene first; in order for someone better who is coming your way. First, you must stay on course. Your life is heading in the right direction. Don't let him hold you back. Go forward. Start your detachment and healing process.
I think you should dive right into your studies, and not let this ruin your school year. You can't throwaway a whole semester of hard-work over some man. You'll waste money, time, and your grades will suffer. Use study to distract you. Concentrate. Do it for yourself!!! Succeed in spite of this unexpected setback.
It's going to be hard. Breakups are supposed to be hard. Your destiny lies ahead; and he is out of your way. It hurts now, but other doors will open. The future has other plans for you.
This is just a closed chapter in your life, and you can't fall apart now. Let your feelings flow. Don't bottle-up your emotions, they have to be released. You still have to have a handle on your emotions and be disciplined. You'll survive, and you'll be even stronger because of all this.
Don't give him the power to throw you off-track. Throwing up your hands in defeat is showing weakness. You're better than that. Stronger. You'll get through this, my dear.
You have to push on. Pull it together. Get through the finals. Then take time off to heal your wounded heart. Gather your friends, get your rest, and call your mother. Take a holiday for yourself. It's about you now. Be selfish.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 June 2014):
 This relationship became long distance so while the break up seems out of the blue to you, to outsiders it's not. A meet up once a month is hardly able to satisfy. The ones who are able to do this maybe those who are engaged or somehow made long term plans, and has a date of settling down together in the future. He just didn't have the guts to break up before. He said things to keep you in the relationship and when he found someone close to him, he used disappearance as a cowardly way to give you the message. Everything he did was to avoid arguments. All break ups are hard. I understand he still feels like the whole world to you but I promise you as you move on and focus on better things then he will lose the importance and fade in your memory.
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