A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm not quite sure where to start with all of this, so here goes;I've been in a relationship with my partner for 13 years now, and I love her very much, we have three young kids together.About four years ago I discovered that my partner had taken out a huge loan secured on the house, without my knowledge and only found out when it was defaulted and I got that all sorted out in the end.My partner has issues with talking about money and finances, and was trying to keep the household afloat and thought that was the best way forward.I was so shocked when I found out about the loan, and the lies and things about it all - that I lost a bit of trust in our relationship, and so I sought out an affair.Whether it was a bit of revenge, looking for a way out I'm not sure, but it was all discovered and when in the cold light of day - I felt that I didn't want to lose our relationship with my partner and that I was making a big mistake.We talked through and although there was a lot of hurt and bad feelings, I felt as though we had moved on - it would never go away, I realised that, but I felt that maybe with enough time we could put this behind us.Over the last couple of months, my partner has been going out with friends a lot more and generally being more independent and having a life with her friends and socialising more.Although I felt a little threatened by the change (she'd always gone out from time to time) but this was happening every week. I realised that maybe she needed space and have a life of her own, away from our business and the kids, and she always looks great when she goes out and so when she comes home, we would have sex and things were good.Then it started getting really late coming home, and sometimes the nights going out were mid-week, and I naturally got suspicious. I asked out right and was told that I was being ridiculous and controlling, and that she wasn't having an affair. I found out this week that she was. Now, in some ways I feel like I had this coming. I'm struggling with my feelings, as on the one hand, I'd done this to her, and so now I know exactly how it feels. I totally understand now the hurt that I caused her as I'm feeling it myself now. And so you could say this is poetic justice, an eye for an eye - you deserved it. I'm hurt, angry and upset, as I hoped that we could have moved on and that if she felt that the relationship was over after my affair, and even after the passage of time, that we could have just sat down and said that it was over, I wouldn't have wanted that but I'd have to accept that I'd cocked the relationship up and have to move on.I've left home now for a couple of days, and just don't know what to do anymore, I just feel like I've been such a fool.Part of me would like to wipe the slate clean, put it all behind us and sit down and see if we can work it out. I hate the idea of the kids not having a stable family unit and being brought up without me around much. I don't know if I could ever trust again and build the relationship up, which seems like double standards based on my past behaviour.I'm just looking for some objective advice please.
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affair, money, move on, revenge Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): She wronged you with that loan, no two ways about it. Her "intentions were good" does not justify that any more than her loan justified your affair. Both are bullshit justifications.
And now she has taken things another step away from a healthy relationship by having an affair of her own and practically rubbing your nose in it.
What is there to save here? Your relationship with her is pretty shot-to-hell already. Is the trust really salvageable here? I doubt it. It's time to go.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Thanks for all the answers I've received, it makes for uncomfortable reading - facing up to mistakes you've made and the consequences was always going to be difficult.To answer some of the questions that were posed;The term partner was just used as that we're not married, no insinuation of less love for her or anything by that, I've always loved her - although my mistakes and actions would suggest otherwise.Totally agree on the loss of logic for the reason behind the affair, no justification for it at all, just wrong on every level and a big mistake which I'm ashamed of.The loan story came from debt that she had before we met, and trying to manage that and household and nursery fees, talking with her about it , she felt it was 'her' debt and she had to deal with it, it had just built up to massive proportions - I knew nothing about it - It got so big that she took a secured loan in joint name (forged signature ) and the first I learned was when a foreclose was attempted at home - so it had been left until we almost lost the house - which was a massive shock - no justification for an affair at all. In the end I would have just helped her with it - just like I would help her with anything else, I just simply didn't know anything about it.Our family life and personal life over the last couple of years has been great, obviously four years ago when I had the affair it wasn't, but with the passage of time - I've felt loved completely and given the same in return without a thought or inclination to cheat at all. So her affair came as a complete shock too.So what next, I've spoken to a counsellor and would like to work hard at this and see if we can work it out together, despite all that's happened I still feel love for her and would like to see if we can work it out - whatever it takes, however hard the truth of my actions is to face. Whether my partner wants to do the same I'm not so sure we'll talk again today.I'd like to say thanks to all again, for your input and advice.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (31 July 2013):
Stop thinking about yourself for a moment. Ok I know you're hurt, but just stop and think about what the future will be like for the 5 of you ... the 3 innocent children being the priority.
You talk about a stable family unit for the children: having unhappy parents who are cheating on each other and have no trust or respect for one another isn't stable. Having 2 happy, separated parents is actually more stable (with you having regular, frequent access).
I'm not telling you what you should do, but be realistic about this whole situation. It doesn't sound good as an objective bystander. Even the fact that she's just a "partner" and not a "wife" after 13 years and 3 children together doesn't sound good, and that's aside from all the dishonesty and infidelity that's been going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Two wrongs never make a right.. But what's done is done and there is no good in crying over spilled milk . A heart to heart is needed here.. There is no good going to come from sticking your head in the sand .. Important questions .. Do you love her? Does she love you? This has to be more than just keeping the business going or the kids .. When the kids leave or the business fails .. Your left with each other .. There is no blame game here.. And if I were you I wouldn't play it .. If you can answer yes to the q's I already posed then get some couple therapy ASAP underway.. You both have hurt each other.. You now need to work through if you are both strong enough and in love enough to come out the other end unscathed and together .This may be the reckoning that was needed to get you two back on course ..life is to short .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): There is so much deceipt going on here. Her taking out a loan without telling you is a big breach on trust. Then the affairs are an even bigger breach. It doesnt seem that you both fit together as a couple as you're both looking for something else better. You need to sit down with a counselor and lay everything out on the table. Both of you have been cowards and equally wrong. Revenge is extreimely immature and is only damaging yourself in the end. How much do you love this woman? How are your day to day lives together? It will take a lot of work for both parties to fix this and would be healthier to start over. It depends how strong your love is. Betrayal happens all the time and the strong ones can be better in the end. Although it sounds that dishonesty is a frequent behavior in the union. You will both need to be a complete open book, passwords, phone records etc to rebuild the trust.Good luck to your
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): She lied about money so you had an affair. What kind of logic is this? Don't blame your affair on her, that was all you. She was wrong to lie about money but it came from a place of good intention as she was trying to keep the household afloat. You went and had an affair in purpose for what reason again? To get revenge. Instead of working with your wife to increase trust and increase openness (why is she afraid to talk about money? Did you have anything to do with that too?), you chose to commit the number one relationship killer. Not even on the same plane as what she did!!
So really, you are the one who broke this relationship. Your partner had good intentions which were misplaced when she lied about money. You had evil intentions or else complete disregard for her when you betrayed her.
You don't get to cry foul now that she is having an affair of her own. She has lost all feelings for you, it's probably too late for you to do anything. And you now have even more reason to mistrust her
What exactly is the point of continuing this so-called relationship? Fear of change? You think this household you have created for your kids is a stable family unit??? Where both parents have cheated and are cheating on each other? Kids cam sense the tension. You're doing them a disservice by continuing this sham of a nuclear family unit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): It was a massive breach of trust for your partner to take out a loan secured on the house without your knowledge. But I suspect you're only using that as an excuse to justify your cheating. There must have been latent problems in the relationship for her not to have communicated with you and for you to have sought the companionship of another woman.Her going out to cheat was wrong ofcourse. But she might have been doing it to get even. Whatever both your reasons for doing what you've done - your relationship is in tatters. You both need to sit down and have a really candid discussion about what is going wrong in your relationship and whether you want to work on it. No pointing fingers - just a solution centred discussion. It might even help to go to a marriage counsellor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Just get divorced or broken up already. Your relationship is extremely dysfunctional and toxic with layers and layers of selfishness, lies, deceit, manipulation and betrayal. Your kids will have a more stable life after you end the relationship because then for once there will be honesty and truth in the family rather than unbridled selfishness.
You don't "wipe the slate clean and start over". How exactly do you propose to do that? It cannot be done without actual resolving the layers and layers of toxicity that got you to this place. Simply saying wipe the slate clean is just a cop out to avoid facing the ugliness in your relationship and in yourselves and simply just sweep it under the rug. In the short term it is the easy way out. Beyond a few months it doesn't work. The ugliness is still there whether you turn a blind eye to it or not. If you want to make the relationship work you have years of therapy ahead of you both individual and couples therapy. You will have to confront things about yourself you'd rather not and on more than one occasion. Same with your partner. If either of you can't stomach that long term then this relationship is doomed.
To be honest it sounds like you two don't have it in you to work on your issues or each other, much less at this late stage of the game where you've both destroyed the relationship already judging from how you both default to avoidance, lies, selfishness and cop outs. That's why I say you should divorce or end the relationship now. I really think that is the most healthy thing you can do.
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