A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to break up with my boyfriend of 5 years but just don't know how to do it.I've been wanting to end it for some time now, but don't know what to say, how to say it, where to say it??I'm just dreading the whole thing. The thing is we met when I was 19. I'm 25 now and feel like there are more cons than pros in the relationship at this point - he doesn't have much ambition, no plans or vision for the future. He's 27 and lives with his parents. When I ask about these things, I never get answers that satisfy or make me feel like he's a go-getter in life. I want to be able to encourage him and help him with his dreams but it has to come from him first.I feel deep down that this is not the person I am supposed to marry. And honestly think it would be better to be single.So how do I end this without listing all the negatives and basically saying I feel I can do better?lol And where is the best place to do this?Please advise. Thanks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 January 2015):
 Be prepared to cry. I remember breaking up with my first boyfriend I had dated him from 15-18 and everyone including our parents felt we were going to get married.
When I broke up with him I very Freudianly said "we have to break OUT" instead of UP
he cried
I cried
and life went on.
DO it in person.
IF you are ok doing it at his home and then leaving then do it that way.
He will offer to change.. and ask for a second chance... don't fall into the breaking up and getting back together.
"honey I know this is hard for you and you don't believe me but it's very hard for me too... I think we have come to a point where we need to go our separate ways"
or what works for you.
and yeah you don't need a list of what's wrong. It's not working for you and that's enough.
do not let his tears or his promises sway you.
and FOR HIM, go no contact... he will heal faster.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 January 2015):
 You say this: We need to talk. I am at a different place in life now than when we first met, and feel we are different people who want different things out of life. I appreciate the time we've had together, and the good moments, but I have come to realize that it is time we move on from this relationship (or bring in the death sentence: I feel we would be better as friends). You are a great guy, just not the guy for me. I wish you all the best for the future, and no hard feelings.
You don't need to list up all the bad stuff, you just need to give him the clear message that things are now over. If he asks why, just say the stuff I wrote above. He doesn't need to know why, it's your choice to make and your choice whether you want to tell him details or not, but I don't see how that would help him in any way, it'll only serve to hurt him. So in this case, where the thing is you've simply grown apart, and he's not necessarily done anything wrong, then there's no need to go into details. You just don't see him in a romantic way any longer, you've grown into a different person (as has he) and the feelings aren't there any longer. You don't see yourself with him long term, for reasons of your own, but all he needs to know is that you no longer see a future with him and so you have decided it is best (for the both of you) to move on.
You can do this!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2015):
 I would tell him straight up (and in person) that you feel you have grown apart, you no longer feel you two are a good match, and that you WISH to be single. THAT simple.
It's NOT uncommon for folks to NOT want the same at 19 as they do at 25 (in life in general, but also in relationships and partners).
I would NOT go into details, NO need to kick him while he is down (so to speak). Knowing you can do better is GOOD. Telling HIM, HE is isn't GOOD enough (basically)... I don't believe is necessary.
You CAN do it in public (if you think he will throw a fit) or at his house (BUT pick a place where you can leave.) Don't drag it out. Make it short and sweet.
And I would suggest you don't offer the "we can still be friends line". I would tell him, that you wish to go NO CONTACT for the both of your sake's. AND then DO just that. Delete his number, block, remove (or just hide his feeds) from Facebook (no need to block him if you don't want to, unless he starts anything "stupid".)
Some relationship ends, some lasts. Don't feel bad for wanting MORE for yourself and FROM your partner.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (21 January 2015):
 I've been in a similar situation. 1 - Condense your list of negatives to two problems that cover the rest. 2- Definitely do it in person. I broke up at her house, but if you are afraid of possibly being guilted into break up sex, do it at a coffee shop or at a restaurant. Behave normally up until you start bringing it up. 3- When you do start, express how you feel without insulting him. I'd recommend saying that you feel that you've drifted apart, and that you're both heading down different paths. Stress how much you both have changed in 4 years. 4- Hold strong in your stance. You may feel bad when you are doing it, and will feel bad afterwards, but you know it is the right decision. Do not let him dissuade you. Good luck!
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