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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > Being a Good Auntie and what NOT to say!

Being a Good Auntie and what NOT to say!

, posted over a year ago

Some examples of genuine questions from the main forum and sample answers that we must never submit no matter the temptation...

Q-Is it ok to have sex thoughts about your sister?

A-Are you kidding? My sisters would eat you alive. Sex pest your own sister!

Q-Help! I keep losing my erection!

A-Typical bloody carelesness. Why don't you put things where you can find them again eh? Did you check to see if it had rolled under the bed you lazy git?

Q-I have found a small lump under my labia lips what should I do?

A-Get to the Doc quick and ask about penis enlargement surgery for your husband.

Q-Do women do sex stuff you want if you are romantic with them?

A-They sure do. I once presented a bouquet of flowers to a Wiz girl and she asks "Watcha buying me flowers for?". And the Wiz replies; "I want you to do it doggy style". She duly obliged by sniffing the flowers then lifted her leg and peed on them.

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 14:27 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Coffee spray alert! Whoop whoop!!!! Do not read this with any beverage in hand or nearby and make sure you have been to the loo first!!!!!

Warning warning to all forum readers! Warning!!!!

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 14:41 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I'm still thinking of something to add here....

Pathetic, I know. :)

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 20:40 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

For heavens sake you need a warning before you read anything on here...I nearly choked!!!!!!!!No were your comin from tisha love wiz mate pop a warning sign at the top hunny.....Im now using a baby wipe on the keybourd (:0) Squidgy hugs n all that smoochy woochy stuff XXXXXXXX :)

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 20:54 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

Is your keybuord Svedish? Ooops, that last Martini was too strong!!!!!!

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 3:1 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

TEE! HEE! Oh baby wipe me the keybourd often talks dirty to me now!!!!!!!!!!!

A cupid aunt came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, she removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then she ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when she was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, she staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "her husband sent her out for a jar of olives." He needed the computor!!!!!!!!

IS THAT A COFFEE WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 4:46 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

heh heh mandy. :-)

Tisha you thought of any yet? Here's some more examples of actual Q's fished off the main Forum that might inspire you. :-)

Q-My wife wants to be painted nude. Is this normal?

A-Its fine just make sure you use a non-toxic paint to protect her skin her skin from harm.

Q-What are some girls “turn-on” spots?

A- Most women have a shopping G-spot especially for clothes. Many also have a “feetish” for shoe shops and will try on every pair in the shop, including the assistants, before finally deciding on the first pair they saw which they will invariably return a week later.

Q-What are the signs he is wanting to move on?

A-There are subtle clues you should watch out for such as the closure of all your joint accounts, removal van at the front door, and the police officers handing you a court exclusion order forbidding you to go within 100 miles of him for the next 50 years.

Q-Weight problems, period delay and suspect urine smell - what could be the root of my problems?

A- Period disruption and sudden drastic weight loss could be signs that you have snuffed it, the suspect smell could also be an indicator you may have been dead for some time. Pop down (or up) to your nearest medium for advice.

Q-My boyfriend comes from an abusive background. Should I be worried if he abuses our cat?

A-Have you checked whether the moggy has consented or not? After all she may share the same felines fur your husband especially if she is middle-aged and going through the hot flushes of the manypaws which will make her sweat a lot and not many men can resist a warm wet pussy.

Waz

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 11:59 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

*removing lid on olive jar*

Pop down (or up) to your medium, Nice one Waz!

How about just a list of pat answers?

Yes, she likes you.

Yes, you could be pregnant if you didn't use contraception.

No, you shouldn't put that in there if she doesn't want to.

Oh, Good God No and Eeeewh.

You could be gay, or you might be bi!

If you're ex dumped you, why would you want to win her back?

You are sleeping with a married man, stop it.

Don't call his wife "to inform her" as a gesture of friendship.

See your Doctor.

See a Therapist.

See a Marriage Counselor.

Butt Plugs are not fashion accessories.

I think they are pretty much interchangeable, except for the butt plugs...

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 15:30 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Nice ones, Birdy! Some more...

Your sister, aunt, mother, daughter, and/or other female relatives are off limits as sex partners, as are their male counterparts.

Under no circumstances do you insert an object into an orifice if said objects total mass or volume exceeds said orifice's actual capacity.

Some people like to do certain things that other people don't. No one should be forcing people into the 'unwanted' acts.

Recognize the differences between a crush, lust, and love.

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 17:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I love my teacher do you think he loves me back?

Well hunny he probably thinks your back is nice but I would be more worried bout ya front love as YOU ARE BEING A TAD UP FRONT NOW GROW UP AND DO YA HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 18:23 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Good one Mandy...and a great effort from birdy ..laugh? I nearly bought a round!

Although coudn't resist adding a response to one of your answers...

"You are sleeping with a married man, stop it."

But he's my husband!

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 21:8 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Good ones Tisha, the second suggestion reminds me of a wicked thread I added to elsewhere. It had the pet-unfriendly but still funny title of; 101 Things To Do With A Dead Hamster.

Of course a gleeful Wizard just had to have a go....

"Ladies? Is it that akward time of the month and you have you run out of sanitary products? Don't panic! Simply insert your deceased rodent into the apropiate orfice and don't forget to leave the tail hanging out for ease of extraction. And remember not only is your departed pet more comfortable but also recycable. Just give him a quick spin with the laundry and you can use your environmental-friendly "hampon" over and over again."

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 21:49 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

You're one sick puppy, Waz, funny, but sick.

: )

A man walks into a chemist and asks "Where are the tampons?"

Chemist replies "Over by the cotton wool."

The guy comes back with a toilet roll and cotton wool, and the chemist says "Thought you wanted tampons?"

The man replies "This morning I asked her to get me some fags, instead she got me baccy and rizzlas, so tonight she can roll her f***ing own!"

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 22:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

he! he! wiz waz oooooh that reminds me of squeeky my hamster and NO!!!!!!I did not use the poor little bugger to plug!

Little Johnny's teacher told the class to go home and find something interesting to tell the class for the next day. The next day when the teacher told Johnny to tell his story, he went up to the blackboard and drew a period. The teacher asked Johnny what was so interesting about a period. Johnny stood up and replied "I don't know, but this morning when my sister said she missed one, mom fainted, dad fell down the stairs, and the guy next door shot himself!"

Posted on 4 May 2008 @ 12:7 (London time) - permalink
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Dr Vendetta, posted over a year ago

why do i feel this thread is dedicated to me.

Posted on 4 May 2008 @ 21:38 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

It was etched on the plaque on the door,

"In honor of Dr V, who

often rubs his grubby little mitts together

before writing his answers..."

Posted on 5 May 2008 @ 3:22 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

Answers as Chinese Proverbs!

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get "tired".

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile going sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go humgry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat prunes get a good run for his money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not the best thing on earth, but Next to best thing on earth!

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

and

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

A non-PC forward that's currently on the net...

Posted on 5 May 2008 @ 17:55 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Haha oh man, chinese proverbs :] what would we do without them :]

Posted on 5 May 2008 @ 21:46 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Not have fortune cookies for a start, LJ.

Birdy, they're so funny. But think of how funny it would be if we answered all their questions with proverbs, like the above.

Can you imagine If we had someone come on here and asked our advice about their husband frequently masturbating, and we replied with....

"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long", or...a young lady comes on saying that she had sex with her boyfriend for the very first time, but he didn't put it all the way in...would that make her still a virgin? And we would reply...

"Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone".

: ^ D

Posted on 5 May 2008 @ 23:49 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

My daughter had a fortune cookie magic eight ball. One of the descision making answers was "Outcome Sticky Like Rice". We could probably use THAT a few times here too!!!

Posted on 6 May 2008 @ 0:35 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Does anyone here ever want to write to the partners or friends of the question posters? I do, from time to time.

------

For heaven's sake, find a better place to hide your porn and learn how to delete the history on the computer.

We are going to find you and beat you to a pulp if you hit her just one more time.

Stop cheating on your partner.

She's too young and not ready to have sex, so leave her alone.

Do not ever make eye contact with a female student. Ever.

Stop dragging his heart around.

Here's a dildo for your partner to use on you so you can see what it feels like before you ask her for anal sex.

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 19:49 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

And based on the latest fetish post:

Some fantasies are better left in your head!!!!!

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 20:14 (London time) - permalink
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LazyGuy, posted over a year ago

That recent post about the woman who wanted to induce labor weeks early, wanted to make me call the cops because god knows what she is going to do to herself.

Same with the one who wanted tips on how to keep the fetus small. Some people need to be protected against themselves.

(Tisha don't forget anal stimulation makes sense for men because of the prostate gland. For females it can stimulate the vagina although of course there are more obvious routes for that.)

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 20:14 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Point taken, LazyGuy! :)

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 20:19 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Tisha, would you class a vibrator as someone's partner or other half?

Because if you do, I would suggest to the 3" cordless bullet, that did the disappearing act, to show it's face, before the little bugger suffocates!! Poor wee blighter!

xXx

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 21:43 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I think that it falls within the parameters of meriting a stern warning on behalf of all us very concerned aunties here at St. Dear of Cupid.

( Y )

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 21:46 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Maybe we should have a little ticket or citation book like the metermaids? We could demand that followup to our witty, insanely brilliant advice be forthcoming by x number of days or else we'll sit in a corner and pout. Or worse, hold our collective breath till we turn blue?

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 21:54 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Aye.

Let's see, we have...

St Tisha,

The Virgin Irish,

Big Sis Superior,

Sister Susan of Strict,

Arch Bishop Wiz of Waz,

Mother Birdie of Numnums,

Sister Holy Water of Loo,

And Mother Tellulah of Teabreaks.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 22:17 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

I have no problem turning blue...

: )

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 22:20 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Oooh! BigSis, I like I like! We have the confessional already set up, we've got some fantastic verse for the hymnals, and the holy water font too! (Though I'd prefer not being sprinkled by it, if you don't mind....)

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 22:33 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Why? Pray tell my dear...does it burn?

Posted on 21 May 2008 @ 23:5 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

*whispering* because Archbishop Waz's last "Auntie Poll" question is still floating in there...

Posted on 22 May 2008 @ 12:56 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

St. Tisha..an appropriate name for an caring, most amazing Aunt. Thank you Tisha, for your words of support, yesterday on the site. As for 'The Virgin Irish'...lol! The only thing virginal about me is the 'virgin wool' I used last night to wrap up in! (while watching my favorite television show) Loved all the monikers and I adore your wonderful sense of humor, Big Sis! Keep them coming! :)

Posted on 22 May 2008 @ 14:51 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

that is and I meant to say "virgin wool blanket'

Posted on 22 May 2008 @ 14:51 (London time) - permalink
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TELLULAH, posted over a year ago

Big Sis!! How do you know I have long Tea breaks.

Are you watching me?

Its true! I do though. Helps that I shag my Boss, he doesnt seem to notice he!he!

Posted on 22 May 2008 @ 16:24 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Heehee Irish, the only virgin in my house is the olive oil. Well, the dog is too, but that's something between him and the vet.

BigSis, do we have any progress on the verses?

And Tellulah, BigSis Superior has omniscient powers and knows when you've been naughty!

Posted on 22 May 2008 @ 16:40 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

*Dieter's Psalm*

Strict is my diet.

I must not want.

It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.

It leadeth me past the confectioners.

It trieth my willpower.

It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweetrolls for they are fattening.

The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.

Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.

I filleth my stomach with liquids,

My day's quota runneth over.

Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

Posted on 24 May 2008 @ 1:58 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Ahhhh....Men.

: )

Posted on 24 May 2008 @ 1:59 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Aunties and Uncles, who art on Dear Cupid

Hallowed be thy names

Thy Waz doth cum

Thy BiSis's so dumb

Right here on this site ~ tonight

Give us this day our daily Tisha

And forgive our Tellulah and Irish too

as we forgive Susan and Birdie and Waterloo

And lead us not to ignore us,

but deliver us from Uncle Phil.

For thine is the questioner,

the person with the problems

for ever keepin us busy.

Oh Man!!!

Posted on 24 May 2008 @ 2:37 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

To everyone worried about their partners past sex lives:

For gods sakes take them for tests!

Ooh and the whole im married but have an affair thing going on:

HELLOO honey, its fine to check out the menu, but please go eat at home! thats where dinner is!

Posted on 14 June 2008 @ 0:8 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

LOL.... I wished I had something funny to say... mmmmmm..... But I don't...

Posted on 14 June 2008 @ 1:20 (London time) - permalink
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jay12toes, posted over a year ago

i know what you mean DiovanLestat, i wish i had something funny to say also. i think most of the time i just write stuff to get my name out there or to ask WHY DO NONE OF YOU LOVE ME? is it because i have 12 toes? it is isnt it? lol sorry, just lost it a bit there.

Posted on 14 June 2008 @ 1:36 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Jay, we absolutely LOVE your toes! Did you hear this joke.

Q: What do you do when you lose a toe?

A: You call a 'toe (tow)' truck!

*groaning here and rolling my eyes* Sorry. I know-I know. That was lame. Think I will lay off the jokes and..... the vodka for awhile. lol

Posted on 14 June 2008 @ 2:0 (London time) - permalink
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jay12toes, posted over a year ago

i thought it was funny. but i like corny jokes. besides im just glade to hear someone loves me... wait a sec, you said you love my toes? what about the rest of me? well there gose my selfconfidence.

Posted on 14 June 2008 @ 2:34 (London time) - permalink
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