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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > How to tell you are married.

How to tell you are married.

, posted over a year ago

Once upon a time there were three women, one engaged, one a mistress and the other married. They are all chatting together and decide to surprise their men by each wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettoes and a mask. He took one look and said "You are the woman of my life, and I love you!" Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he took me in his arms and we had wild sex all over the office all night long!

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay with my mother for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings and high heels and the mask over my eyes. As soon as he came throught the door and saw me his jaw dropped and he said "What's for dinner, Batman?"

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 11:3 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

There we go again you got me with the bloody coffee!!!!!!!!(:0) As soon as you think its safe its not...TEE HEE!!!!! BERRY FUNNY! MY FWIEND XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 11:40 (London time) - permalink
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Susan Strict, posted over a year ago

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other woman has, you wish you had ordered that.

I was at a party when one of my friends said to me, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes," I replied, "I married the wrong man."

Our little boy asked my husband how much it costs to get married. "I don't know," my husband replied, "I'm still paying for it."

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.

A newly married girl looks happy and we know why. A woman married ten years looks happy and we wonder why.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen...

I saw a man opening the car door for his wife. I had to wonder: was it a new wife or a new car?

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 11:48 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

AND AGAIN!!!!!!!!

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.

LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.

MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in the footie score

LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and croissants.

LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms.

MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed to.

Im not married so I can leave the house now to get my hair done YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 12:0 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A fella goes into a bar, parks himself on a barstool and orders a double whisky. After drinking it he looks in the top pocket of his shirt, calls the bartender over and orders another one. He drinks that one, looks in his pocket and orders another one. This happens another half dozen times.

The bartender is curious why he keeps looking in his pocket and asks what he's doing.

"Well, it's like this" says the fella, "Ive got a photo of the wife in there, and when she looks good enough I'll go home."

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 18:37 (London time) - permalink
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TELLULAH, posted over a year ago

Husband says to his wife: "You know darling, I cant remember the last time that we made love" Wife says: "I can! thats why I cant be bothered to do it again"

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 19:41 (London time) - permalink
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TELLULAH, posted over a year ago

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 19:44 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

DOES THAT MEAN YOU GET A FULL ON STIFFY? XXXXXX :)

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 20:56 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A full on stiffy? Is that when the heat of the meat, plus the angle of the dangle minus the throb of the knob equals the squirt of the dirt?

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 21:4 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Oh yea baby now ya talkin you little flirty girty!!!!!!!Me goin to have meself a bevvy or 10 I think :) CHEERS ME DEARS XXXXX

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 21:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

All I can say is http://www.flickr.com./photos/phil_biggs/

Feel free to comment. There's precious few comments as yet, apart from my old mate Cookie up in Lincolnshire!

They're brilliant photo's - I took 'em!

Posted on 1 May 2008 @ 22:2 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

cant be seeing them hun, it wont let me oooooooooooooooooooooooh Im mad now I could just crush a grape! HA! Remember that on crackajack lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted on 2 May 2008 @ 1:53 (London time) - permalink
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PeterPan, posted over a year ago

All the jokes here were great!!

Posted on 2 May 2008 @ 3:47 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Ta peter we aim to please....

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.

''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

Posted on 2 May 2008 @ 19:9 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

Posted on 2 May 2008 @ 19:24 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Dylsexia Rules KO!

Posted on 2 May 2008 @ 19:29 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Have I missed somfink again my little yorkie puds!!!!!!

Posted on 2 May 2008 @ 20:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

oh god! I think I should eat and shoot of to bed luvvys Im really no the full shillin today no sweep and to much of uncy phils wum!!!!!!!

Posted on 2 May 2008 @ 20:15 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

xXx

Posted on 3 May 2008 @ 18:43 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

LOVE IT!!!

Posted on 8 May 2008 @ 15:34 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Took me a minute.. but I got there! Nice one!

Posted on 8 May 2008 @ 21:32 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! funny!:)

What are the 3 advantages of having a £50 note tattoed on 2 ur penis

1 u can play with ur money

2 u can watch ur money grow

3 ur wife can blow as much money as she wants!

WUV N HUGS MEEEEEE! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 9 May 2008 @ 9:33 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.

"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."

So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"

"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.

The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."

"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Posted on 10 May 2008 @ 17:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Nice one sis!!!!!!TEE HEE!

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!" (:0)

I OF COURSE USE IT TO KEEP ME LIPS SOFT!

Posted on 10 May 2008 @ 19:47 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

There's got to be an answer to that Mandy, but I do believe I'll refrain on this occasion!

Posted on 10 May 2008 @ 20:11 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

What’s the difference between BSE and PMT?

One is mad cow disease while the other has something to do with beef.

c[: o )

Posted on 10 May 2008 @ 21:51 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Uncle phil I'm starting to sound like a small child pick me pick me oh oh. oh Uncle Phil.... We are a little behind the times in terms of technology down here in Texas.. Some municipalities don't carry breathalyzers in their squad cars. They just have a poster of Rosie O'donnell with them and if they suspect you've had a few too many they unroll it and ask if you'd nail her. Say yes and you will be cuffed and stuffed.

Posted on 11 May 2008 @ 1:19 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Uncle Phil didn't want to refrain from his comment my dear Mandy. God didn't endow men with enough blood for both heads to function at the same time. The prospect of your soft lips and the ensueing tsunami of blood exchange from one to the other paralysed his arms and he was unable to.

Posted on 11 May 2008 @ 1:24 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

'THE WIFE'S PRAYER'

Oh Lord, before I lay me down to sleep

I pray for a man who's not a creep

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who's willy is thick and long.

Please send me a man who'll make love to my mind

Who knows what to say when I ask, "how big's my behind?"

And as I kneel and pray by my bed ~

I look at the wanker you sent me instead!

Amen.

: ^ (

Posted on 11 May 2008 @ 3:10 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT!!!!! :)

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer

under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's

family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.

How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy

ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

I better go n have some fun (:0) lie in the sun, forget the monkeying around oh ok i'll do that, n bark at the kids YEA! why not ooooh its going to be fun fun fun!!!!!!!!:)

Posted on 11 May 2008 @ 11:24 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells the doctor how this obsession he has with breasts is making him unable to function at his work, at home. His whole life is coming undone before his very eyes because he could not control this obsession. Well says the Doctor. you sound like you might be embellishing this a bit. I will use a little word association to gauge just how deep this obsession is and then we can proceed from there. I will say a word and you tell me the first word that pops into your head. Cantaloupes TITS!! ......well I guess i have to give you that one. But doctor they are round and firm and you can ....OK I said I get it. Light bulbs..TITS!! Ok explain? well they are round and fit in the palm of your hand ...OK OK I see that . So the doctor thinks to himself..what can i say, that will in no way prompt him to think of a womans breast's??? ummmmmmmmand he stokes his chin and says...w i n d s h i e l d w i p e r s .. TITS!!!!! now wait a minute how do you get tits out of windshield wipers and the patient starts wagging his head from left to right to left to right to left to right to left to right and as he gets to each side he just lets out a kissing smack smack smack smack smack smack (should be told in person I do what I can)

Posted on 13 May 2008 @ 19:43 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

This reminded of me of late!!!!!!Apart from clean like a zombie and wander around oblivious that just because Im not hungry maybe others maybe!!!LOL....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

THAT MADE ME NEARLY FALL OFF ME CHAIR!!!!!!!!That was a def coffee warning for me Tisha ....LOVE MOI XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (:0)

Posted on 26 May 2008 @ 16:2 (London time) - permalink
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