 Tisha-1, posted
over a year ago
Tellulah, my dear, you are 100% normal. You have just had a little bout of mourning that horrible situation you faced so long ago. Just because you've gotten on with your life and have a new love and new family members doesn't erase the facts of what happened to you.
This awful thing did happen, it was a really crappy thing to do, and it's a loss, like a death of a loved one, and you've every right to stay curled up in bed having a crying jag. Even if it was 20 years ago. If you've been in bed crying every day for the past 20 years, well, THAT'S not normal, but every once in a while, if there's a reminder of the trauma you suffered, and you need to experience that emotion, well, that's what you have to do.
If it flattens you for a long time and you cannot function, then you might need to think about Smiles' suggestion that some therapy might help you let go of these emotions. Personally, I would probably always have a wince when such an awful anniversary rolled around. You can't help blaming yourself just a bit for not seeing it coming or how you might have handled it then. No one's perfect, and I think it a rare case when there are no regrets of any kind in such a separation. But I'm pretty sure that you have done everything you can to move past it, and in fact, most days, there's no anguish whatsoever.
So, number one, stop beating yourself up for having these feelings. You have them, you should acknowledge them, and their validity. Number two, you're going to get past these feelings back to your ordinary life. Number three, holidays like Christmas are loaded emotionally anyway. We're all sold a picture of perfect family unity and happiness and blah blah blah. Guess what? It's mostly hype. Christmas, the real holiday, is a celebration of the promise of redemption and forgiveness and eternal life. The happy families singing carols, and baking gorgeous cakes and buying the perfect gifts and looking beautiful and sleek and blissful, now that's a load of hooey. If you're unhappy in the base case, there's very little about the commercial, marketing side of the the holiday that is designed to make you feel any better. So recognize that, and don't buy into the myth which can exacerbate already tense feelings.
Relax, let it go, experience the grief for what it is, a regret for a future lost, the loss of days that will never be. And embrace your sadness, let it flow over you and then let it flow past you, taking the unhappy memories with it as it gets less intense.
Realize that where you are now and who you're with and all the new happy memories you've made since then couldn't have happened without that major shift in your life. Hell, you could have wound up a miserable, sad, lonely woman trapped in a crappy relationship. Instead, here you are, living life, with a loving relationship with your guy, even if he's not perfect (none of us are), a career, a spectacular family with precious new additions, and here you are with loads of common sense. Now that's a real gift, that you share with others. Might I also mention that you have a wicked sense of humor (humour, sheesh!!) and that is something to be treasured too.
So have a good cry, then gather up all those soggy tissues, pitch them in the bin, make yourself a lovely cup of tea and eat a bit of chocolate. Personally, I would go out for a Starbucks cinnamon latte, with non-fat milk, of course and enjoy the aroma and holiday spices. I'd put on some happy music in the background and I'd dance my way around the house, after putting on some makeup and brushing my hair and changing out of the wrinkled sweats and into a comfy pair of jeans and a really goodlooking sweater (jumper, okay, already!). I've already walked the dog, so I've had my hour of exercise and fresh air.... why don't you get some too, honey?
XXXXXX
Posted on 1 December 2008 @ 18:53 (London time) - permalink
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